Pent... nice shit. I feel this verse was really well planned. You knew where you wanted to go with it and took it from there... I also get the feeling that you started writing the 3rd stanza first and tacked the first two stanzas on after that.... the 1st two stanzas didn't nearly have the scheme and imagery as the climax of the piece, so it made it harder to gain an entrance to what you were doing... once you got into the climax I felt like I was watching a movie... created great mental images and that's a real skill. Storyline was inventive and pulled off nicely. Nice quality drop.
Adonis... went the more conceptual route. I had the feeling that the top part of your verse was very wordy, and hard to stutter out in my head while I was reading it
Quote:
Complex congress with confused subconscious,
Converse progress...
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I see the exercise that you're doing here... but like, it just sounds not good when I say it in my mind... it comes out very staccato.
Flow really picks up in the middle and brings your verse some needed punch and I was really feeling it... this whole section:
Quote:
I mean God Damn! Every action has a reaction,
But petroleum has the white man living lavish,
His passion's so tragic, a yacht to dispose black gold in Atlantis,
His specific goal? To erode a bloodline into ashes,
As it floats to outer core and demolishes the atmos...
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really nice... I hate the line before this which says "gland to gland" tho.... doubt you would ever hear a phrase like that in real life.
Anyways, my tendency is to lean towards storytelling more than conceptual drops. Adonis did have a story in his verse, but I almost felt like it was more of a backdrop to the critique of militarism that he wanted to make. Pent had a compelling plot and better rhymes to pull it together... although I still think the first two stanzas could have used some more polish.
Vote for Pent up