[Certain]

Brian Bryan: The first four or six lines were awesome. Then the short- and inbetween-bar structure started getting a little clumsy, mostly matters of stressed and unstressed syllables or slightly too slanted rhymes. I really appreciate the rhyme effort here, but I think you would have been better suited to switch back to something more traditional at some point. At a certain point, the only way I could really get the flow to work was to twist pronunciations. That could be an accent thing, though. Anyway, let's talk about the content because that was the point, right? Your concept was fun. I really liked the stanzas individually, but I'm not sure how well they connected. What happened to the hen? I was actually kind of invested in that hen after the first stanza, so to have it mysteriously disappear was a bit disappointed. I LOVED THAT HEN, DAMN IT! And why were all the other chickens exempt? Also, it sort of bothered me that this isn't actually at all how McDonald's was founded. Yeah, I'm a stickler about things like that. Sorry to be that guy. I liked the concept of this verse based around the topic but again thought the two tales could have lined up a bit better to bring that point home. This was an OK verse, but it wasn't your best. I do agree with what zygote said, that you've really shown a love for writing that shines through every week. This verse seemed very fun to write, and I don't think you were going for a masterpiece. I can respect that.

Storyteller: The last verse I read from you was written in 2011, and it's interesting to see the differences and improvements made while also taking note of what hasn't changed. Your writing definitely has sharpened. Your rhymes are stronger, and your grasp of flow is improved. Plus there was a bit less completely wasted motion, as the other piece had lines that simply didn't matter or mean anything. But you still are way too vague for two-thirds of this verse. That's a problem because it makes it very difficult to gain any emotional connection to your characters. They're outlines and sketches, floating with metaphors until the end. Yes, I picked up that these were two characters (I assumed brother and sister) who lived in the same house, and that the man was concerned after hearing the woman have sex through the walls with so many men. But I never fully grasped what could lead to what happened. The ending (which came after a picture fail, which doesn't help) was very direct, maybe even too direct. Instead of breaking your writing into such distinct sections, either abstract or direct, you should try to incorporate some of those metaphors and unique phrases into your direct narrative. In other words, don't try to not be you. Try to bring your styles and abilities together into a cohesive package. Anyway, because of the lack of depth for the characters, I thought your story seemed a bit trite and straightforward. You didn't match Brian Bryan's unique approach, and your flaws were more obvious than his. But you've improved over the past two years, and I hope you can accept the constructive criticism and keep improving.

Vote: Brian Bryan