Thread: Inadequate
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Old 08-17-2013, 03:17 PM   #5
Vulgar
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@Storyteller, in general you have all the ingredients to being a future behemoth. You also lack key disciplines, specifically in your diction. Brittle mechanics and wording that leaves something to be desired doesn't help your verses make a substantial impact. I'm going to see if I can offer you anything quality & constructive in the form of feedback.

The hands of the clock strike and light shuns from the dark,
^shuns from the dark doesn't really make sense. Shunned by the dark would.
Speaking withered; in fright, crows feast it's way to your heart.
^Forced. Withered speaking tends to frighten as crows lunge at a functional heart* is my suggestion
Molded emotions, golden age motion for purpose,
^Whenever writers mention emotions in a verse it is like an unnecessary disclaimer. If there are characters involved, show us their emotions, i.e. like you did in the previous line 'fright' - show, don't tell. This line was deadweight.
Searching with scars open but hands hopeless and worthless.
^Good rhyme but weak connection @ 'searching with scars' - searching FOR visible scars might make more sense.
Perfect! ...
Now my attention for such direction, consorting the train of thought,
^consorting is not the right word. Assemblage in my train of thought, maybe.
Nervously flips with intention; A misconception; the plot.
^Ok.

"Alone Again"
^This is useless.

But only for the time being, seeing as the sun will rise,
Consortium bandits cleaning bodies from the inside.
^grammar in the second line is off but I like the image evoked. I doubt you will capitalize on it though.
Showing truth through such angles, leveling thought,
Creation of what is sought to be a mistake that was brought.
^Way too general and monotonous. The rhymes should be more magnetic too. For me personally, I try to make the reader look forward to seeing what I rhyme with.
Mumbling names a few months ago now she's screaming,
Glum with dreams and blaming her actions on demons.
^Same as the above line, this is too 'regular' sounding, like anyone can write it. Put an original spin on your creations and you will be rewarded.

"Unfortunate Accident"

In minutes, after seconds, that light shunned is now capped,
^Smh. Is it minutes or seconds? Decide lol. And stop rushing your wording. Use correct English: that light that was shunned is now capped
While we slack to clear the trap she cracks; reacts with a snap.
^Best line of the verse so far.
An instant too Late, as the once blue clouds, remain black,
Prayer from within is lacked to retract lucifers hand in this act.
^'is lacked' doesn't make sense. Lucifer's hand retraction is a good concept.
A grimace with poise grins as the noise shrouds aloud,
^shrouds aloud is very forced.
An alabaster, though beautiful isn't allowed to float with a crowd.
What do you mean by an alabaster? This is weak.
Instead of clouding emotions the ocean flows through the pupils,
^The remark I made about emotions still stands. You don't need to state there are emotions. Prove there are emotions and as the reader I will respect the circumstances without question.
Be what you choose to but make sure the squeeze is more fruitful.
^don't need the word 'more' here but it's optional I guess. I liked this line.

When that same hand of time struck difference around,
My heart beat paced a pound for pound eutrophic surround.
^Not feeling.
Jotting my visual with imperial clots contorting so serious,
Knotting what's visible and empirical; the nots of these businesses.
^Comes off as banter, doesn't contribute to the storyline at hand.
Impeccable words dilute the truth which absurd to most,
^Cool. Comma needed after 'which'
Sure we chose but the decisional hope was made from the others throat.
^Nah not feeling.
Now that they're choking we pay the broken consequences,
Maybe if they came to there senses and stop swinging for the fences-
Then maybe.... Just maybe they'd open their eyes to such recklessness.
^Makes me say 'okay' but doesn't entertain me or provide me with the generous amount of food for thought I am craving.

Keep working with your style but take your time with it. Don't rush, and stop referring to emotions - display them by fleshing out your characters and most of all, make sense. Even if you are writing in a surrealist manner, the reader deserves the illusion that you are reporting truths to their mind's eye. I hope anything helps. Keep elevating.
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