[Certain]

Flo Real: You have a strong mind for how to approach topics. I really liked the idea behind this take on what was probably the best topic of the week. But I thought you were way too direct about it. From the opening line, you were screaming at the reader to make the connection between the topic and your story. That's not necessary; we can connect the dots. Using the phrase itself twice in your verse was just being way too overt. In general, I thought the writing was too basic and on-the-nose, and your rhymes were still too simple. I did like that you gave both sides of the story, but I thought you could have done more to interchange, maybe six lines of each, going back and forth. I think in time you have the ability to be an elite-level writer because your natural word selection and creative approach to topics show tons of potential. But you're not quite there yet.

PiE: You really let your rhymes do the work here. You forced them here or there, though, and sometimes it was very noticeable. When you got to the third stanza, that improved. But I still have to say that I thought your flow was great, even though you kept things pretty simplistic as far as schematic devices. Anyway, the reason I say the rhymes carried you is because the story kind of rode their path for the most part. I thought you could have used more concrete details (this is a thing I say almost always, but it's almost always true) and more fleshed out characters. You brought this couple together really fast without quite explaining why our somewhat-smart stock-trader narrator fell for her (aside from pussy, which is a thin reason for marriage and massive amounts of cash). Doing more to give depth to either of the characters would have served the story well. The pacing was a bit strange, too, as you hovered over some scenes too long (all that sex near the end just seemed irrelevant and gratutious) but rushed past others. Still, the rhymes carried you and made for a very smooth read. That's the main takeaway. The story wasn't great, but it was cohesive, and the rhymes kept it moving along at a steady clip.

Vote: PiE