Quote:
Originally Posted by Certain Serpent
I'm a machete-wound tourniquet with the petty, rude earnestness
of heavy-boobed surrogates who envy dudes' perkiness.
Close my clip out. Steady, true, murderous. Frozen pin bout.
Heavens' blue firmaments holding Poland Spring's spout.
|
Okay. this flowed real cool. A lot like "Juice" by Chance in my head, I dunno. Almost syncopated, but just because they were slanty multis and had some consonance mixed it.
Kinda weirdly complex. Like intellectuflexing. Taking phrases and building them up for the sake of building them up.
Quote:
Exploded ink fount. Called to write my passages over rig towns
Walter White nefarious. Sober wig out in coffin-sized chariots.
Close my clip out. Altar rites. Marry us. Halter-bride fairy dust.
Broken-wing angels often fly clear of us. Joker ring, mangled.
Votive Spring candle. Only thing handled was hoping she'd cancel.
|
why did you use "close my clip out" twice? not actually asking, just that part was lost to me
I liked the way you described a typical wedding from a dismal perspective. like that Goosebumps book where the kid found a camera, that takes pictures and prints everything living dead, then that shit dies
Quote:
I'm a faceless shadow of death. Escape the cattle call.
Vexed, strafe with paddles. Incest. Change the battle log.
|
Did not like battle log
Quote:
Crescent-moon habitual. Death and gloom, the visual.
Press it smooth. Best refuse metal tools for victuals.
Urbane elitist tested through the rituals but remained a deist.
Strange completeness strained the preachers, Cobain and Seacreast.
Cannon-fodder byproducts spray the bleachers. God'll try profit
but stain his T-shirt with the logo of ample-bodied sly foxes.
Trample hotties. Rhinoc'ros. Sands. Mogavi. Time Cop.
Cigarette-burnt fingertips. Lift the dead bird, Icharus.
Bigger heads burn quicker. Slip the sick their meds. Turn into us.
|
that last line BODIED.
interesting verse. you showed that you can stick to a scheme really, really well. Liked the abstract imagery's creativity but a lot of it was too dense and I got a lil lost.
like. the diction was top notch. the wording was very unique, very vivid, but not necessarily lucid.
so many pictures, I just didnt find the thread connecting them all, or the collage they were trying to assemble and portray. the theme of "death pervades" was cool and contrasted a few lines at the start, but complicated into something that was dope that i didnt really graps all the facets of
as a rhyming freewrite, this was a dope exercise. digged your flexability. But I really enjoyed your loose, ebbing sentence flow more. too. many. full. stops.
Good shit.
EDIT: More than I'd like went over my head ://
To the kids.