[Certain]

Before I begin my critique (or, really, before you begin reading my critique), let me say that I wouldn't have went this long had I not thought there was a lot of potential here. I also would not have went this long if I had other shit to do at 5 a.m. Anyway, away we go.

This piece was long, but it read very quickly. The reason for that is because it was overt and simple. You told the story in a complete form, but you never stopped to bring a level of intri***y. There's a value in this straightforward narrative, but I wish a higher degree of lyricism had been shown in the process. When I say "lyricism," I'm referring to the complexity across the board: plot, rhyme scheme, diction, imagery, metaphors, poetic technique, etc.

The rhyme scheme was very unusually. Clearly, you understand the concept of a multiple-syllable rhyme. You used them well in sporatic internal rhymes. But your end rhymes were simple to the point that they seemed almost out of the early 1980s. You had a lot of single-syllable slants, which really breaks up the flow of a verse. And because you chose to use end rhymes as a stopping point, (contexually and grammatically correctly) putting periods or commas after each, those end rhymes were stressed even more. You can afford to use single-syllable rhymes on occasion, but not throughout an entire verse and not on such simplistic sounds.

The diction is a little trickier. It's very difficult to balance telling a story with staying interesting in word choice. I have similar issues. But your verse read on a fairly elementary level. Given the content, the language should have been a step up. You can do this a few ways. I'm not one for the use of vocabulary to fill some sort of quota, but it definitely can strengthen writer's voice and make a piece more distinct. Try to come up with a few lines that will really stick with a reader, for one reason or another. Often those lines fit best in transitions, but they also could be unique phrasing for imagery or even, in this form's case, a great rhyme. Vulgar had a piece about a month ago that I barely remember except that he rhymed of "Silmarillion." That's just something that stays with a reader. Think about that when you write. Don't let everything blend into the story. Pop out of it for a second to do something creative and interesting. Novelists and poets do this all the time, but it's even more important when your readership has a short attention span.

In general, you needed to try to set this verse apart. The emotion of your narrator was never conveyed because, even as you were writing in first person, the narrative always felt slightly detached. For instance, the dramatic scene of the third stanza played out almost entirely in convoluted dialogue. (Note: This may be a pet peeve of mine alone. People don't talk in rhyme, so going through that long a stretch of a single person's speech really hurts. Dialogue needs to be written very naturally, which makes it so difficult to execute.) I thought your writing found a groove to start the fourth stanza, with the "tears trapped in a porcelain glass" and "fear to ask for forgiveness in my sickness" and the bringing together of a few war images. The fourth stanza was the strongest as far as the writing, though the first carried the story well. But I'm not sure you ever made the writer feel angry, and anger is such an important emotion amid all this. You conveyed confusion well in a few spots, and a morose tone hung over the entire piece. (Even the beginning felt somehow sad, as though dragged down by inevitability. Clever lines, with puns or wordplay, often are key in bringing to life a happy section. For instance, "curves were insane" could have been something like "curves came faster than the Autobahn" or something far less corny than that.)

Now, the plot issue is a tricky one. I usually try to hold back strong judgments for content because they often aren't endemic in a writer's work. But I think it's worth discussing the issue with that third stanza, which was the weakest for many reasons. The choices the wife takes simply don't make any sense, and her explanation makes even less. Moreover, after breaking the love of her life's heart, it seems very unlikely she would leave such an acerbic and off the cuff note. People tend to absorb blame in these situations even when they don't deserve it. A back-and-forth yell session might have both jolted some energy in and given us a deeper perspective. But the adoption thing in particular simply doesn't ring true. And why didn't she have money? Soldiers get paid.

Anyway, I thought this was an interesting verse. It may have been flawed, but that was largely because of its enormous ambition. Keep that up as you better yourself.