all right, finally took a moment to read this, aaaaaand I liked it. This had all the elements of a verse I would like - science, finance, social injustices, all wrapped beneath an umbrella vague enough to contain such a wide array of topics. For that, hats off. It's not easy to pull that off, and for the most part, you did.
I do have some gripes with this though. First, there a number of typos. I know, I know, seems nitpicky, but whenever I read through a piece and consider it for HOF, the first thing that sticks out to me is polish. Typos don't help your case in that department. Easy to edit it and make the quick corrections, so do it.
Now, the gripes of actual substance. First, I think the concept never takes shape, never realizes itself so to speak. That's because the overarching theme of "advanced thinking" is only alluded to peripherally, and never dealt with directly or concretely enough to get me into it. You keep asking me questions about advanced thinking (rhetorically, of course), but the problem is I have no reference to anchor to. I don't know if they call that stuff advanced thinking, I've never heard that before. This dulls the impact of your message. Declare it to me. Tell me that they call it advanced thinking. Speak with more authority on it and I'll accept it, leave it up to me and it's hit or miss.
Furthermore, there are so many things addressed here (as I mentioned earlier), and none of them felt fully or satisfyingly developed to me. It's like your breezed through a number of issues, connected them thinly together, and moved on. What hurt you more is, none of the information or opinions seemed all that original to me - I feel like the ideas expressed here are already known and accepted. Of course, that's to be expected, nothing is original anymore they say, so it's on you to present things in a fresh way. Make me think of something I've never thought of before, use metaphors/analogies/turns of phrase or wordplay to make me see things in a light that's new and interesting. Saying "republicans are greedy! they push pharmaceuticals on us! etc etc" isn't new to me. Throw a wrench in there, weave in some of those other topics that swing by to strengthen the connection between all these things. You have the beginnings of that here, but it's not executed imo. Conceptually it felt flat, when there are so many ways you could spin it.
Finally, the writing mechanics were a little simplistic to me. Not everything has to be an earth-shattering string of multis, but some rhymes (distributed/rules it gives, finance/tyrants, giving up/millennium, enough of this/see what comes next, purpose/workers) just didn't work for me. Everyone bends rhymes, but some of those were too much of a bend for me to take. Beyond that, though, the lines were written so matter-of-factly that it didn't resonate emotionally with me. It was like a rhyming lecture on things I already know about. If that makes sense.
Sorry to pick this apart (that's why they pay me the big bucks here at NC), but I figured a) people have already been saying what is good about this and b) this is good enough to warrant thorough feedback. You have a lot of skills, and I can see the raw materials for great writing at work here, but at this point there is still some work to be done (as there always will be). I hope you take this criticism as a vehicle to refine those skills, because I'd love to see you take the strides I think you're capable of.
Strong verse, lots to like about it, not gonna receive a HOF nod from my direction though. No doubt you'll get there sooner than later.
For reference of some of the things I mentioned being put on display, check out this verse from @
dead man:
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre....html?t=441626