[Objective]

Got to agree with the shit Certain Serpent explains in his feed. It seemed rather simple, you got something going but it doesn't really come out as original or dope, it's a piece and that's it. And as he said as well; ''-ction''-rhymes is simple and too easy so I'd advice against building up rhyme schemes based on those rhymes.

I'm a sucker for punctuation so I'd like to see more of that as well. Either way, the flow is great in this so the verse isn't completely useless, but it didn't captivate me in any way either.

You got some ideas going that'll be dope once you start exapanding on them and really explore different ways of expressing your thoughts. Looking forward to read more from you and if I was you I'd sign up for the Writing Challenge League. A lot of different/challenging tasks will be given but you'll also face some pretty great writers. If you really want to improve and become great stepping into these battles is the way to go as there will always be people to pick apart your work and compare it to your opponent. You might get some losses on your stats, but you'll improve a lot quicker as well.

he's crying inside, it's like each line is slicing
his mind like a knife, as each rhyme's enticing
^ I liked this couplet, but try to stay away from using the word ''like''. Infact, your couplet would have been stronger if you removed it from the first line. That each line is actually slicing his mind like a knife is stronger than it's like it's doing it, if you get what I'm saying.

Keep writing and posting shit. Welcome to Netcees. ^^