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Old 08-05-2013, 04:35 AM   #5
Certain
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This verse was a very cool take on the topic. It was original and smart and relevant to most of us, as I feel as though Gulliver's Travels was a fairly universal part of growing up.

I don't think the issue is solely about rhyming mid-sentence. I think the bigger problem is rhyming mid-clause. For instance:

Quote:
That’s the length and the width of it; One sees the parity
the other the contrasts and how we diverge
from the subtle to bombastic - It’s out of this world!
That works because each rhyme comes at a point where stressing the syllable or stopping the thought for a split-second makes sense. On the other hand:

Quote:
Their cries of revulsion are fuel to the fire
that drives my compulsion. It’s been used to inspire
me through this entire verse. It’s tough at the top
when you’re a mountain of a man & there’s nothing to stop
you floundering as amateurs wait for you to fall.
The first one, "fuel to the fire," works for that same reason. The problem is the "me" after "inspire" and the "you" after stop sort of hang out there awkwardly. This becomes particularly problematic because in both cases, the phrasing might mean something different if the reader interprets the line change and end rhyme as a thought break.

But this was an enjoyable verse and take on the topic.
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