[Certain]

I hog both armrests at the movie theater.
I'm a moving sleeper who rudely steals sheets after using reefer.
I scribble indiscriminately in my looseleaf keeper.
My shoes are usually sneakers that match my blueish T-shirts.
But if I move to meet her, I'll probably look the part.
And if her eyes are blue and deep, she'll probably hook my heart.
I'm open book to start, unlike these awful bros,
but that doesn't mean you shouldn't take off your clothes.
I scoff at profiles with broken grammar,
but I'm too much of a dope to hold any ho to standards.
I joke at random. My broken handle on social dynamics
makes it difficult to hold your hand when mine is soaked with man-sweat.
I'm embarrassed to be on here.
I have friends in real life, too,
but they're happy, while I'm ... on here.
I haven't had sex twice in the same week in six months.
And though I can whip up something about tryst love, let's face it:
I'm mostly here to get my dick sucked.