The first six lines felt like little but disassociated free rhyming, which was interesting but certainly didn't inspire me. Then the topic became more clear and the writing became more crisp. And then it became great.
Quote:
Come here. I'm a razor blade whisper. Addicted, to the way your brain quivers.
Kiss her, labor pain's blister 'til the shades of grey shimmer.
'til her face displays inner strength and in her hate withers.
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That was the beginning of where you hit your stride. The rhymes might even detract a bit from how strong the images were. I think we've all been there, been in that place where we can barely even stand to be with someone unless we're kissing them.
And then that visceral love-hate relationship boiled over.
Quote:
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My gaze is the only place where you won't die alone.
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That's such a great line that I want it on my divorce papers.