[Coup]

To quote Pancakebrah

It doesn't help that your writing is almost always an ethereal, floating jumble of well written ideas that hover just out of reach of your concrete point.

I cannot say myself that all your writing is like this, but this verse is....lot's of stand alone ideas that were brilliant to genius...such as this line (don't know why but I loved it)

My city skyline silhouette. Eyes cinnamon-centered obsidian.

Crazy...two ideas that were painted in a way that when I read them they instantly put a image in my head.

I could not be honest and say to you that I understood even remotly what this was about...too many separate ideas and concepts competing in each line and at the same time trying to build unity in a larger sense...

I'll try to show you what I mean...let's take the opening stanza

Elder Technicolor Irish lilt, echoes vibrant still in these open hallways.
Alzheimer drills its sober concave. Final act of humility with a close of curtains,
Reciting "Yes" in brittle curses. A bridal purpose cheapened in lonely fall-state,
Steeped in soapy dog days. Home to me is only where the coat hangs,
Churning grind of docile dimness, simply awful "Let's play house" identity,
Sad to see city strangers spilling round, dressing up the sounds in your vicinity.

We got the elder Technicolor Irish lilt echoing
the Alzheimer drills in a concave closing curtains
a bridal purpose that got cheapened
now in dog days where some coat hangs
with some dialog
and some stangers dressing some sounds in the vicinity

Now what is going on here ? This is very cryptic and esoteric. Not very clear and you loose the reader, though you are an expert in this cos you are writing it.

So many things going on at once that it's like a whirl wind...keep some unity of ideas and choose words that work, choose lines that nurture your game plan...sometimes you may think some phrases are too basic and not complex enough (I go through this) and up it up with more abstract expressions...well be carefull, because you can loose the original intention for trying to come complex in flow....

I bear witness that flow is not as important in terms of leaving an impact as clarity and good old fashioned written devices. the trick is to make sense and flow


I hope you don't take offense, because your schemes and flow can be unreal and some creative lines blow up in my mind. Good stuff. Most of what I'm saying here is directed at stanza one.

Work on clarity if you do intend to write for your audience. If it's for you, then continue on. I know my writing is not the best, so I ain't trying to flex on nobody. I speak this because I'm coming out of nonsensical writing and finally admitted to myself I need to clear up my writing.

peace my friend.