IMO this was written in away that was very digestible and smooth...no confusion, no jarring moments, but also no real depth to me...it was safe in the sense you described common situations known/experienced to us all and because of that it was relatable... and almost like a blanket verse, covering all with one...and because of that, it read like you barley scratched the surface and did not offer 'you' in this...
As letter to one, I figure and expect specific details to the symptoms written about would be revealed and not just hinted at in a board way....Not sure your purpose but more finger pointing could serve you better. Even though this was a 'letter' it still is a verse.
I do understand how I may sound contradictory because you did offer details, such as how you fathered kids, and were a figure to others, your baptism, your faith...but then you branch out into generalizations.
Quote:
I've been searching for meaning, values, and verification
on the rare occasion I found any, it lacked clarification.
elaborate and finish this off, make it personal to the context you establish
I'm not saying the world's evil but most of the people...
Have been at war with themselves and don't know HOW to be peaceful
elaborate and finish this off with poetic deceives or something to bring this into the world
Wistful looks with despair in their eyes;
Uncaring of life because their struggle just dared them to die
Yet I share in their strife. Concrete feet when I run,
No social life to speak of but why bother with one?
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Each of these statements could have benefited from a few lines offering exploration
I liked the quite reflection of your closing lines...a slow build up and your fizzled out carefully with some food for thought
Quote:
My conscience Burns from things I've learned
I want to help you too.
You will never see who I see in you,
Until you split yourself in two.
Physically and mentally; what's meant to be?
You can't ignore.
For I have climbed the mountain of insanity,
And became better than before.
When you're on the verge of stopping your climb up
And you're debating to wait or drop...
Just remember what I've said to you,
Because the view is greater from the top.
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besides these lines standing well on their own you did not really touch on them in the developments above it. For example, what did you learn ? Who is this person you want to help ? You state obstacles to climb and conquer but did you show us any ? They are just statements.
all in all there are two sides in this letter. I felt you focused on only one...which was describing the situation via feelings...the other side would be context and build examples around those to express it outside of saying it only as if only in passing or small talk...
The other side of this that I felt left out would be to include things tangible that either in imagery, metaphor or other poetic device or exposition to set this verse up on another level...
this is just me. I'll stop at the risk of sounding like a douche.
not bad...just a thought I had. don't get me wrong this verse works and is actually well done...and if you are opening to others reaction then you just got mine. if not, continue on cos this was good.