Quote:
Originally Posted by YDK
I write to you today my friends
To say I feel I'm at the end.
Do not cry at my demise,
I accept my fate,
I will not hide.
> simple straightforward introduction. Just on a technical note, you can sometimes get away with planting more abstract or hard to reach ideas in your opener that the rest of your piece can synthesize. Like a subconscious thesis statement.
I've been searching for meaning, values, and verification
on the rare occasion I found any, it lacked clarification.
I'm not saying the world's evil but most of the people...
Have been at war with themselves and don't know HOW to be peaceful
>felt a little bit trite
Wistful looks with despair in their eyes;
Uncaring of life because their struggle just dared them to die
Yet I share in their strife. Concrete feet when I run,
No social life to speak of but why bother with one?
>didnt like cliched references to "the struggle" and "strife"
I've only fathered one but I've been a father to some,
Now I claim just two children of my own, my beautiful daughter and son.
I was baptized a Christian under water (and rum too)
I learned to beat my inner demons without help (from sun tzu)
> ok, cool. "And rum too" added a nice touch of personality
standing at the precipice and spitting off the edge of it,
ignoring all the negatives till I blamed myself for negligence.
>strong scheme there
Subtle symptoms of depression; I oppressed them so previously
but my stresses kept pressing; eventually I set them free.
Suicidal side effects affecting lives with no regrets,
Humbling o live through so scars are just for show (in jest).
>couldve resolved that last line better. Why are you trivializing your past?
My conscience Burns from things I've learned
I want to help you too.
You will never see who I see in you,
Until you split yourself in two.
Physically and mentally; what's meant to be?
You can't ignore.
For I have climbed the mountain of insanity,
And became better than before.
When you're on the verge of stopping your climb up
And you're debating to wait or drop...
Just remember what I've said to you,
Because the view is greater from the top.
>decent end
Goodbye
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Despite the occasional cliche, the verse felt fresh. At the very least honest and/ or real. Many times you adapted complex conceptual relationships "You will never see who I see in you/ until you split yourself in two" and then fizzled out "physically/ mentally". It is proper and isn't grasping at straws, but at the same time I don't think that was necessarily the idea you were trying to encapsulate in most of the verse
Your structure and form was very free here, it helped your writing a lot. The elements are all solidly in place, your writing is starting to shine. Could have been a more meaty verse, but at the same time was very clear and not vague or ambiguous anywhere. Looking forward to reading a verse from you with more raw imagery and emotion in this practiced and refined form. Nice work! Keep keyin