[PancakeBrah]

"He feels warm, relaxed, and good. Was the waitress’s smile a flirt?
Or was she smiling because she caught him nodding? Or did he smile first? "

Probably my favorite line, although there are a handful. The confused optimism. Well done.

This was something entirely different. The lack of an actual name for the 'protagonist' if you can even call him that is perfect and I'm not sure why anyone would complain about it. If you named him John or some shit it'd lose most of it's punch and flow in my opinion. Someone could complain about the simplicity of the rhymes and scheme but that in and of itself is bold and purposeful. The fact you never try to switch up the scheme or become too complex throughout the entire length of the piece (which is quite lengthy, obv.) creates this matter of fact tone and harshness to it. As in, he does this, then this, then this, then this, then this, etc. This type of writing can be absolutely horrible when handled incorrectly but here is an example where it's executed by a professional. There's no big twist, it's just a retelling of facts in the life of a broken human being. The disappointment he brings isn't the death of someone or anything of unrealistic magnitude, and it only exists off-screen after the piece's timeline. It's something almost insignificant, but acts as a microcosm and it's real. And the main decrepit act isn't the junky doing blow on his kids tricycle while he has AIDS and the dog dies, it's just him using toilet water. The reality and grounded nature of the piece makes it much more visceral than the grandiose adventures most writers take in the forum. I was riveted the entire time through, and that's a worthy accolade for such a long piece. You have shown in the past your a user of many styles, and this style matched the effect for which you were aiming.

wouldreadagain/10