Netcees - View Single Post - Week 1 - Flo Real vs TopicalDood5

Gazette · 07-25-2013, 06:25 AM

flo, pretty good, some quirky language, it did feel as rushed as it apparently was though, and it definitely felt like it should have been longer, the opening -

'This is no acid trip; just a placid sip of rash wild life
Walking the night armed with a flash light and a pen knife'

basically set the story for some kind of adventure, but that didnt happen, it just turned out to be a description of the place - a good description - but ultimately it felt like the first quarter of what should have been something longer.

dood, yours started really badly, the first 2 lines were awkward as hell, reeeally got the impression you were just trying to pack in as many pretentious words as possible, didnt sound natural at all. However, this was less of a problem the rest of the way through and you did have some really good stand-out lines, the whole middle section in fact was very well-written, well enough to get you the W

v/ topical dood

07-25-2013, 06:25 AM	#5
Gazette Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 186 Battle Record: 2-3 Rep Power: 37	flo, pretty good, some quirky language, it did feel as rushed as it apparently was though, and it definitely felt like it should have been longer, the opening - 'This is no acid trip; just a placid sip of rash wild life Walking the night armed with a flash light and a pen knife' basically set the story for some kind of adventure, but that didnt happen, it just turned out to be a description of the place - a good description - but ultimately it felt like the first quarter of what should have been something longer. dood, yours started really badly, the first 2 lines were awkward as hell, reeeally got the impression you were just trying to pack in as many pretentious words as possible, didnt sound natural at all. However, this was less of a problem the rest of the way through and you did have some really good stand-out lines, the whole middle section in fact was very well-written, well enough to get you the W v/ topical dood Last edited by Gazette; 07-25-2013 at 06:33 AM.