it won't be too long whether i'm Right or Wrong
 

slightly aged write-up that i like.

...

It’s early, I’m thirsty, staring at dirty train tracks,
Near where rain slaps window glass next to this grey cat
Scribbling furiously in his ink-stained pad,
Fuck him.
Thoughts shift back to my day,
Panoramic anagrams shift through my mind state
I’m irate
& set a twine of two snakes around a rod; I find quaint,
Sorry…distracted,
just wondering how might a fine wine taste,
My rhyme rates…here are forever zero,
Where the penman is a pauper & never hero
Peeping through whatever keyhole;
Statuesque manifests sans aggression never transgressing,
Nothing inspires this writer with veritable fire
I thought it’d be interesting to be a celestial insider,
But it’s boring! It’s always sunny…so saccharine,
They’re pouring honey & vats of milk, clad in immaculate silk,
-- I should really get that stain out of my clothes,
Right after I write writes to get the wife outta her robes,
I’m out of control!
According to what the seraphim sing,
But I’ve learned to detest ‘men’, who can feather their wings,
…Elegant rings from a Peking Bell
Do not match the fiendish knell
Telling all in earshot a heathen’s fell, as if he’s seeking Hell,
Man, I miss the earthly charms where my verse would spawn
Artful nursery songs to put coins of worth in palms,
Back when I could bear the throngs
Of people aligned right…when they veer from wrong,
That’s virtually gone, I’m thirty one
Years past my prime, with Time nearly on
The borrowed clock,
Do I give a fuck what tomorrow’s got?
Hit repeat. The playlist’s Illmatic,
It ain’t hard to tell I’m imbalanced;
…distracted, still placid, impassive,
A TV shrieks with Sgt. Drill tactics,
Fuck yo…don’t need that noise stealing poise,
Conversing with an alter ego in my reading voice
Over a nightcap, the site’s sad, he’s quite mad;
His wires seem a little loose,
& smiles show a gap all up in his middle tooth,
Riddle-proof, I’m sure his image spoofs
This guy I think I thought I saw,
In a sort of awe I find all the more
Reason to keep speaking….
’ALL ABOARD!’ - On second thoughts,
Stop that train, I’m leaving.

Yo fa real lol...I come into this thread thinkin' aint sure if I know this dude so it'll probably be short, but yeah this was tight shit no doubt.A long ass read yet well worth it...some really nice imagery thru-out this and your content from top to bottom is sick, thought the scheme was fire also.I'm not gonna quote anythin' as I like it all...dope stuff man.

I already fed this! Don't do dat.

sry vulva. triangles are my favourite shape.

Where the penman is a pauper & never hero
Peeping through whatever keyhole;
Statuesque manifests sans aggression never transgressing,
Nothing inspires this writer with veritable fire
I thought it’d be interesting to be a celestial insider


i like the vowels.

This was ill shit, definitely read it before. But its dope oxus. Thankx for the honest feed in my shit. I agree with you btw.

Good read for those who havnt peeped. Definitely should.

I really don't understand the motivation to request feedback on old verses. It appears this is at least a year and a half old, and I would hope you've evolved one way or another in that time. I don't really have much in the way of constructive criticism about writing style or anything that could do much to help you in the future because of that, so I'll just stick to my thoughts on this individual verse.

The attention-deficit disorder that ran through this verse made it a bit choppy. There were some good thoughts, but nothing about it stayed consistent long enough for me to find any groove. For the most part, the rhymes were fine, though the flow jumped around as much as or more than the content. I really liked the "I should really get that stain out of my clothes" line. Exclamation points are the worst. You're obviously talented. I'd rather read something that shows what you can do now.

did not know you were english. you have hidden yourself well


SUP DOE

gave you clues, tho. told whoever asked too... not so hidden.

thnx for the looks.

ok, not again.