Disengaged.
 

My friends are happier than me. So fucking magically complete.
We're on the same side of the fence, but their grass is always green.
I try grasping hold to last afloat, but tragically, I sink.
A practically obese 20-something still trying to grapple with his dreams.
Take a gasp and hold it deep. Release. Even smoke will fade.
And I've already choked away half my odds to procreate.
These bitches pose and wave with diamonds the size of herpes blisters.
Duck-faced, perfect picture. Raise your glass and burn your liver.
I'm fucking happy for them. Or at least I'll take my turn, deliver
the kind of worthless sermon heard in wedding toasts and bourbon whispers.
Never mind those nervous whimpers coming from the corner stool.
I'd rather be alone amid a hundred drunk and horny fools.
I breathe the muck and sordid gloom. Escape, a sunken, torn recluse.
Alone again, I stumble toward another sullen, poor excuse.
Alone again, I need to reprioritize.
But when I sleep I feel the horror slice deeper than reaper's sharpened scythe.
Awake. I keep one darkened eye on the pillow lying next to me.
It's empty. It's lonely. It's jealous.
I hide my empathy.

some real shit here, I dug it. these types of verses come out of me periodically, shit to just clear the stormclouds in your brain. reflections. as a result, to me these don't exist for feedback, not really the point. I could say the flow was smooth and on-point, or that there were some cliches I didn't care for, but ultimately this was just a verse about real shit that most of us can vibe with on one level or another. keep it moving, I enjoyed this.

It's unfair to judge cathartic scribbles under the same scope you would a piece that's written purely for creations sake. There's cleverness in this writing. Mostly in the observations and the way you manipulate wording to fit the topic/steer direction. The only critique I'd offer is to say that what was lacking from this was perspective of the situation as a whole. It's not closed out. You give no discovery beyond misery and its hopelessness. As far as a journal type entry, who cares? It's mostly for you. My suggestion is purely from a readers standpoint. Fuck readers. They get what the writer gives.

Dope.

Very strong disenchanted description. Loved the truncated rhymes and strong, sure fire multis. You're all over, you're not. You're crossing over into subtlety.

Weakly rhymed bar, in comparison. You dwell on the alcohol and dyssynchrony of it all. Reminiscent of some to your earlier drops, in terms of angle.

Are we human? Or are we pancake?

Loved the emphasis on the ending line, as well as your use of imagery.the slow roll of a static panic attack.

Overall I did enjoy the drop, and your writing in general. Occasionally I wish for a change of tone, or perhaps the hints of something lying beneath the surface of your rhymes other than a purely emotive description. You have captured this fugue state over again, a change of pace is nice, but not demanded. Your lateral descriptions and powerfully posterized colloquialisms could be well applied to many facets of life and casually bring out more advanced, hard-to-grasp themes and motifs.

Keep keyin

Split Eight, I hear you. But I do think it's worth remembering that my earlier drops are about four weeks old at this point. I've got some shit on my mind, which is the basic goal of these brief open mic drops and was the primary reason I came back to the world of textceeing. I think of my Writing Challenge League verses as an outlet for something beyond being an angsty, whiny bitch.

Seriously, though, you're right. And maybe I need to cheer the fuck up, or at least take my frustrations out on something that matters to someone else.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy these types of writings. In fact most of my pieces are dominated by a single theme. I just thought I should point it out, on the basis that I noticed it lol. Writing is the best outlet, trust, I dig this stuff

Not to mention, when you have recurring ideas/ themes it really builds your identity as a writer. A lotta times people think that reusing a style of figurative language or emotions will get stale, but it actually gives you depth as a writer..... Look at Bukowski, Kerouac, Tolstoy. You can see growth/ change/ mastery. But you're already very fluid.

Just talked about this with Void I believe.. Write what you want to write about!

This was fucking dope as shit bro. Really loved the wording and the flow. Kinda reminded me of some Kendrick/Lupe shit. For a short verse, this was some great writing man. The concept was pretty cool for its simplicity. This is the reason I came to this site, you guys can actually write lol.

awesome man. you opened up a little on this one had some emotion behind it. some realness, but u also kept it legit with stellar flow and good scheming.. some good complexity. good vocab. it had it all man. short and do the point which i like.. usually dudes on some venting shit post wayy too long. this was good. real top notch writing dude. always been digging all ur stuff since u started posting, stay up, hit the cypher too

some of this resonated, some of it was lulz, some was like nah nigga why you emo (it's ok to express your feelings, srs, just jabbing u playfully)

already choked away half my odds to procreate.

ouch. so cynical. i dig.

These bitches pose and wave with diamonds the size of herpes blisters.
Duck-faced, perfect picture. Raise your glass and burn your liver.
I'm fucking happy for them. Or at least I'll take my turn, deliver
the kind of worthless sermon heard in wedding toasts and bourbon whispers.
Never mind those nervous whimpers coming from the corner stool.
I'd rather be alone amid a hundred drunk and horny fools.
I breathe the muck and sordid gloom. Escape, a sunken, torn recluse.
Alone again, I stumble toward another sullen, poor excuse.

^ this was funny, tough, nihilistic, melancholy, and almost evocative. in turn. interesting.

ultimately, i like your style. cathartic scribbles is a good way to put it.

this was cool for a few reasons. you used wit to strengthen and otherwise depressing and most narration and made it sound somewhat insightful. some good flow and and smooth delivery on a topic that we all can relate to as well. making fun of society is an easy target cuz this world is fucked up and has no intent to change. you captured that well

I try grasping hold to last afloat, but tragically, I sink.
A practically obese 20-something still trying to grapple with his dreams.
Take a gasp and hold it deep. Release. Even smoke will fade.
And I've already choked away half my odds to procreate.

^^Thought that was nice with it, for some reason when I read it flow seems off tho...yet the multies are all on point (could be the 'trying to' in the second line...reads better when I replace it with 'tryna') but whatevers lol.

But when I sleep I feel the horror slice deeper than reaper's sharpened scythe.
Awake. I keep one darkened eye on the pillow lying next to me.
It's empty. It's lonely. It's jealous.
I hide my empathy.

^^Dope closer.

I like your style...you incorporate alot of wit into stuff which I admire, had some nice shit goin' on scheme wise and at times there was emotion laced amongst good rhymin'...so yeah tight stuff man.

My bad for not gettin' to this sooner as I thought I hit it up already, and thanks for gettin' to my joints bro...'tis appreciated.

Stay uppity.