"Unfurgettable"
 

"Unfurgettable"

Tossing the hair that framed her pallid cheeks,
“We’re off to the fair!” she claimed ecstatically.
Her name was Natalie. “Waddaya say?!”
I lay back passively, lost in her gaze.
“C’mon ‘cause we’re late!” I jumped to her side
where her mom was there waiting for us to arrive.
With a tut and a sigh and a slam of the door
Nat’s clutching me tight by the hand as we walk.
My eyes cast to the floor as we’re taking strides
until standing before us is a cascade of light.
Illuminated rides shriek upward and plummet
as Natalie takes her time to summon her courage.
She looks at me worried, pulls me next to herself,
as much for encouragement as anything else.
She leapt as a yell of giddy excitement
had then been dispelled by the kiddies behind us.
She was a little bit frightened but climbed up to pay
the ticket provider while the ride was delayed.
The silence became ever more harkening too
with what was lying in wait as we started to move.
Darkness consumed both carriage and track
and harsher it grew to a gradual black.
We were sat at the back with her mom to my left,
where Nat had me clasped, pushing onto her chest.
The fog up ahead disappearing from sight
as we plod through its dense cloud & veer to the right.
A mysterious light unveils a murderous scene
its appearance is frightening, Nat squirms in her seat.
Blood-curdling screams greet a bump in the road
and I’m hurled out of reach by the shuddering blow.
Squashed under its rolling wheels, with soft fur everywhere,
who will she cuddle at home, now Nat’s lost her Teddy Bear?

This was dope baron

respect on the peepage bruh.

you got anything needs feeding?

I think this was just okay. I'm not a fan of twists, really. The fact that the first person narrator was, in fact, a teddy bear didn't really shock me or anything. Just kind of went 'huh, okay'. You still wrote well, but I think you've written better before. Maybe this is just me, and it is weird, but if this read in the same cadence as a 'Night Before Christmas'. Just repeating, over and over. The rhymes weren't as good as your usual standard. Far from a bad piece but not as good as your average, I think.

keep that quill metriculatin'!

Dopest section to me....
The silence became ever more harkening too
with what was lying in wait as we started to move.
Darkness consumed both carriage and track
and harsher it grew to a gradual black.
-smooth

sral a big teddy bear??? haha ay' this was a dope read..

some sections flowed flawless...a few were a lil' rocky wit' the words you chose to rhyme wit' but overall pretty smooth all the way through...
as far as tellin' a story...nothin' bad to say, you held my attention an kept me guessin' how you were gonna flip it...

Like a mini' movie played as I was readin'...so thats how you know you did ya job!

word...i dig this

HoLLaz

Baron this was a cool little drop. I feel like I might have read this on rr from you. The opening 4 lines were my favorite. Your rhyming came naturally, except for the "slam of the door//hand as we walk" bit, and I felt the bar for bar rhyming pattern was a bit overdone. Although smoothly worded, just became annoying tbh. Good shit though as always. Prolly read the soab verse today at some point.

had to add real quick....I juz noticed the spelling of the title....haha missed that when I first checked this

I am very fond of this kind of children stories, albeit with a sad ending. To summarize this is a nice short story. It would be nice if it you crafted a tale with this kind of language, and with this kind descriptive imagery. Doing so you can expand onto an imaginative journey that takes the reader onto an enchanted ride of vivid exploration and childlike wonder.
I will say though the piece sometimes had a languor to it. So a splash of more colorful language will keep the piece fluid and as enthralling as the rollercoaster.
This was still very enjoyable, and honestly it's a hard piece to critique since it is a story coming from the perspective of a Teddy Bear, and though I never had one I always thought they were a lovable companion to have by one's side.
Thank you.

Very well-written. Perfect, almost.

Filling ending (most plot twisters tend to leave you with an almost anti-climatic conclusion), elegant structure, and I fancied the wording.

** NOTE: This is a prime example of how grammatically correct pieces carry THAT MUCH more properness to them and leave you with a better understanding of what is going on.

Well done. Very enjoyable.