hide//seek
 

I'm a holographic flash flood. free-reeling in art...
remapping Man's atlas with these blurry intestinal scars,
after perceiving the catch that there's no perspective to stars.
when nothing remains, unhinge the projector, at the back of your brain-
voila- nothing remains! inject a syringe in a vignette's coagulate veins.
coddle the past and yet nothing remains, rosy ashes in a vase or a vase.
glimpsed the big picture's vanity phase- open pastures, an absentee's space,
taught to believe ancestral wisdom, go pray in the ablative case,
phrased a kid and his horse:
"breathe in the corpse- death's but an axiom away".
hitchhiking roads to perdition. sticking a fork in the local tradition.
defying this hopeless addiction. handsome eyes sin has silently cauterized.
hide and seek, with phantom delinquents you've promised to find,
Humanity's essence- step forth and sink your omens in closeted light,
awake and question your passions before the Colossus can rise.

I liked it


(Prolly the best feed of the yr, I know)

This was cool man vocab was nice an the flow was clean. Nothin negative to say forreal just a solid drop bruv

hitchhiking roads to perdition. sticking a fork in the local tradition.
defying this hopeless addiction. handsome eyes sin has silently cauterized.
hide and seek, with phantom delinquents you've promised to find,
Humanity's essence- step forth and sink your omens in closeted light,
awake and question your passions before the Colossus can rise.

^^Nice.

Thought the beginnin' was slick, some tight content was found thru-out...had some good imagery also.

...enjoyable shit Split.

when nothing remains, unhinge the projector, at the back of your brain-
voila- nothing remains! inject a syringe in a vignette's coagulate veins.
coddle the past and yet nothing remains, rosy ashes in a vase or a vase.

partial to this section for sure. pretty dope.

i had a verse roughly centered around an idea introduced in the first line entitled 'life is a motion picture'. this sparked a remembrance of writing that one.

final line was epic. iron giant shit.

wish this was longer but i definitely appreciated what you brought here with a few words.

thank you sur



1

did not like this statement...seemed to peppy in tone to suit the retaliative mood of this, also would preferred you used imagery to show us instead ...but that's just me..

liked

liked


cool drop

Seemed like more of a ironic/mocking exclamation point to me, Coup.

thanks for the feed, YDK and Whys

Coup- thanks. noted. trying to take a lil more direct route in my writing, and get in the swing of storytelling.. I rely on imagery more than I should

Black- appreciate the insight. this was almost like a little experiment for a bigger drop I have in mind, since I don't think I've ever dropped a directed piece more than 20 lines in the OM. I agree.

Exis- glad to have you here dude

Cake- you are correct

I will get everyone back on a piece, I'll keep my eye out for one I got something good to say on.. or you can PM me a link idc



Last bump

It's interesting how you connect the "holographic flash flood" to the "projector, at the back of your brain-" part. You probably know about the Holographic Principle in String theory, I'm presuming?

Nonetheless, some dope parts, some parts not so much. Good read, mate.

Hai, you're not rusty as far as I can tell.

voila- nothing remains! inject a syringe in a vignette's coagulate veins.
^Original.

phrased a kid and his horse:
"breathe in the corpse- death's but an axiom away".
^not sure what you meant by 'phrased a kid' but I liked this line, calculating the measurements of death is a cool concept.

Colossus line was tough but this was my favorite of the piece:

"step forth and sink your omens in closeted light"

The poet's society has its perks.

keep dewing u

I read this a few times, connecting the dots. There are a lot of fragmented thoughts here, which required further examination. But there is a thread running through most of the verse, unifying a theme of self-definition and the emptiness of religion.

Individually, several of the lines stand out for wording alone:

I took this to mean definition comes from within. Gazing at the sky will lead to a false view of the world. I really like it, and it took me a few reads to see how connected that couplet was.

This is the strongest section of the verse. I love how you twisted your entire premise with the last phrase. Immediately after calling gods "phantom delinquents" and demanding a personal rejection of established belief, you warn that it's important to do those things before one of the oldest Greek gods can return. It reminds me of Homer Simpson's logic for not being religious: What if you're praying to the wrong God?

I liked certain serpents feed quite a bit and caused me to reread the piece. I disagree with his final summation. This read to me as an atheist piece of writing. In all fairness that a personal lean for a critique. I never quite know the mark youre trying to hit (reading you is like reading vulgar in that aspect although for drastically different reasons). Regardless this had some outstanding lines and ideas. The axiom idea was one of my favorite standalone lines of this month. Well worded and great conceptually. You can be too verbose for me sometimes (not in terms of flow but in vocabulary) but that line was air fucking tight. The absentee space and vase lines were right on that level too. The absentee line is dope under my interpretation but I'm not 100% sure I nailed your point. The projector line was well written and I liked the rhyme. The aforementioned ashes scheme was the high point in terms of technical ability. The closer was dope in that respect as well and tied my presumed point together well. Live life now because their isn't anything after? Could be wrong. Regardless of my interpretation this was really enjoyable. One of my current favorite active writers in the section.

Posted from phone so apologies for any typos and no quotes.

First off FUCK YOU for making me re-read this because of the outstanding use of vocabulary lol...ok now


when nothing remains, unhinge the projector, at the back of your brain-
voila- nothing remains! inject a syringe in a vignette's coagulate veins.
coddle the past and yet nothing remains, rosy ashes in a vase or a vase.


Loved this section...Imagery was definitely felt here, flow is smooth and was particular to the part quoted


taught to believe ancestral wisdom, go pray in the ablative case,
phrased a kid and his horse:
"breathe in the corpse- death's but an axiom away".

This was my favorite segment! weirdly constructed but yet it came across perfect. Definetly haven't seen anything written this way(though I don't read OM's much)..

Overall this was a solid piece. Strong points I would say are imagery and the flow of the piece...downfall maybe tooo much vocabulary? for me anyways, but a nice piece regardless

Is vocabulary that forces a reader to go back in order to properly comprehend a verse actually a good thing?

Great job here, very good imagery here def enjoyed this drop... Not gonna lie though some of the vocab got away from me here lol

Fav parts

hitchhiking roads to perdition. sticking a fork in the local tradition.
defying this hopeless addiction. handsome eyes sin has silently cauterized.
hide and seek, with phantom delinquents you've promised to find,
Humanity's essence- step forth and sink your omens in closeted light,
awake and question your passions before the Colossus can rise.

Killed that shit dog, stay up