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PancakeBrah vs Coup (topical) - CAKE WINS
Theme/Topic
Facts of Life 20lines due possibly tonight |
Check.
There is no possibly. |
trolling is a art
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Don't forget links
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FUCK YOUR LINKS METH
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Too drunk. Ill drop tomorrow if that's fine.
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Stare at the sun and scorch your two eyes
Feel the corners dry up as they're cauterized The sensation is like drinking acid with alkaline Bleaching your corneas into a beautiful oblivion Relentlessly hallowing, destroying all skin melanin Blink, as this synergy dissolves the retinas white Because in your mind crawl armies of parasites Pulverizing you, fed by an exercised poltergeist And you were their gopher, their torture type Pain heals but first your pupils turn to wine This is just a fact: what's beautiful is blind Now you can't see and the sun is still out Tell me, how will you judge others now ? Will you play fair, and love your neighbor ? Be charitable and remember the stranger ? Good because before you live you must die Reborn in a sense, with the mind of the blind Soon nobody will see and all will be scrutinized Discern not by sight, because by the facts of life: You don't know a thing until you're sacrificed alive |
No platitudes, mostly attitude. Just breathe and write,
because if I gave you the keys to life you'd only half-construe how to use the notes Life's a still-life statue graffiti tagged with overused Confuscious quotes. Tired movement, a heartless imitation. Time teaches this. Any spark of innovation you may have's been done, probably by Prometheus You are not the fortunate son, just another tortuous run without Creedence Just one more wrinkle eventually ironed out by the seamstress Dream less, nose to the grind stone. Invest in grains of salt You are not the rose in the limestone, Just another soul in our time zone with a brain to rot. One more name to jot, a random collection of quarters and dimes. Mundane or not, life is being twenty seven and going to Wal-Mart, for the one hundred fortieth time. How much inane do you got? Repeat some phrases and die Piqued by aimless surprise, and pray to some playground seat that lays in the sky. Maybe I'm wry. But for the most part, The majority of people should add their throat parts to a length of cable and 'High' All you can do is attempt and strive. Soulless 9 to 5 You are the 99 percent, and honestly this is the drollest time to thrive. Get interested in a vice and guns. Live on the dice for funds. And after reading this, be careful where the fuck your advice is from. |
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uping for v
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Coup.
quick note, feel like your rhythm is a bit off at times, like retina/parasite bar is mismatched. I usually don't care about syllable count, but it was noticeably off thru your verse as I read it gopher what does gopher have to do with anything most beautiful things are blind <- seems to be the theme that really took hold in the second half of the verse Like you compared seeing and appearances and the struggle to understand, and then the bliss of sight without seeing and the ease of mind that comes with non-excessive scrutiny Good imagery and descriptive language. impressive topic development with a slow start Cake. wasn't too lyrical to start, not at the level your drops are usually at. heartless imitation/ spark of innovation was nicely placed A lot of catchy phrases that upped the appeal of the verse.. rose in the limestone, fortunate son/ credence, etc Overall I liked the imagery and wording, even though it aired (erred?) on the side of Blackethy. I think I read this a few days ago and the "careful where your advice is from" really opened up the verse, but now I don't see it anymore. Pretty good battle. I think Cake's verse was more notable but purely based on aesthetics, like it rhymed nicelyier. Coup attacked the topic really well, and was a little less opaque so V/ Coup |
It is indeed 'erred'. Like error. So to say, if ones going to make a mistake/error it will be towards the particular trait you're mentioning.
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1-0 coup up
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A thought, gentlemen: The number of superfluous posts in this thread made me think it already had received plenty of votes. I only even opened it to see if this was a repost of the Writing Challenge League battle.
Coup: Your style is not very fluid. Each of your lines reads as though it was written in a vacuum, then fit with another line ending on the same rhyme. More carry-over in both rhymes and content between lines would really make these verses easier to read. With that said, the piece itself was an interesting spin through a very direct approach on the topic. The second-person approach doesn't really work here because it prevents any real character development and loses some of the emotional impact you were targeting. Moreover, I know that the things you're saying I am feeling are not actually things I am feeling. Third-person or first-person narratives work better because the reader can't simply say, "No, I'm not." PancakeBrah: I nodded throughout your verse. I'm very opposed to those who truly believe they are special and will be the ones to make differences in the world. The verse was redundant, and the writing wasn't your tightest. But the content was so relatable, and several of the lines were brilliant. This was my favorite: "life is being twenty seven and going to Wal-Mart, for the one hundred fortieth time." Vote: PancakeBrah |
Coup - cool verse, pretty solid overall ... Def painted a vivid picture in ya verse here was my fav from u
Pain heals but first your pupils turn to wine This is just a fact: what's beautiful is blind Now you can't see and the sun is still out Tell me, how will you judge others now ? Will you play fair, and love your neighbor ? Be charitable and remember the stranger ? This was real dope, nice work Pan - Had a dope verse all around was feeling it beginning to end, solid shit man here was my fav from u Tired movement, a heartless imitation. Time teaches this. Any spark of innovation you may have's been done, probably by Prometheus You are not the fortunate son, just another tortuous run without Creedence Just one more wrinkle eventually ironed out by the seamstress Dream less, nose to the grind stone. Invest in grains of salt You are not the rose in the limestone, Just another soul in our time zone with a brain to rot. One more name to jot, a random collection of quarters and dimes. Mundane or not, life is being twenty seven and going to Wal-Mart, for the one hundred fortieth time. Damn bro, shit was hot as fuck Overall both were solid but was feelin more from pan Mvgt - pancake |
I think pancake had a bit more of a introspective verse, opposed to a monotone straight at you vibe of coups. Which wasn't bad, just didn't garner enough. pb
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Coup's definitely read off more like a poem than anything, but it was elegant and well written. What's beautiful is blind line was dope, but i was slightly peeved that you used the word beautiful twice in such a short verse with the bleaching your corneas into a beautiful oblivion line, which was also solid, but they're both similar
Pancake, your rhyme scheme was more complex and interesting to read, but also more difficult to follow along with in a text verse. I feel like you had a much more realistic approach to the topic. I feel like you could've closed out your piece a lot better Overall, I feel like Pancake had more quotable lines throughout his verse. The prometheus line, seamstress, rose in the limestone. It was slightly less structured and it definitely could've used a better closing, but it was far more memorable at the end of the read, and if i was going to pick one to read again, it'd be this one Vote - Pancake |
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