Netcees - Coup vs Rawn Macdon (topical)

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Coup vs Rawn Macdon (topical) - RAWN WINS 4-0

http://i42.tinypic.com/2hs6p0w.jpg

verse 1
The Ocean Ghost

One thought he seen a marlin circling the reed
Others agreed it was dolphins surfacing to feed
It was none of these; rather just a soliloquy of screams
They drifted deeper. East between the sea and its beach
Shark! Some joked seeing ghosts in a visage of teeth
All were senseless by the summer's temperature tantrum
Scolding hope morbid as the boys were tempered by phantoms
And now offshore in open waters, over some danger lurkin'
Lost and helpless, droves of monsters set to murder them
On surfboards in serfdom; set to breathe their last gasps
Below shackles snapped, pulsating out the battle axe
As the jackal laughs, unraveling his inner man to surface his wrath

In this open ocean there was an omen frozen...
Between wonder woven under the currents of omen
Deep down swollen, in some secret asphyxiation choking
A slumber so sullen you hope it's mistaken for only boatmen
Take a breath, keep to the beach or toll the patrol siren
Then bleed to death in waters of your own soul's asylum
Because a lion lurks beneath the horizon fret:
It's Poseidon. Swallowing depth with siphon breath

verse 2
Untitled

I remember golden grains of sand and the glimmer of the waves
Running with my board in hand, down the beach I raced
Sprinting toward open water screamin carpe dium at wave breaks
Riding on the crest of life with tunnel vision saying grace
I never feared rip curls, a bull shark’s bite or being submerged undertow
But, was more concerned with the surf, the wind and whats afloat
the currents trending flow, tidal riding times or when to b catchin boats
ud think I’d have this memorized, I’d bet i don’t
I get caught up in the minute, they tend to blend over the water
Back to the sky, trying to ride high on waves I couldn’t carve in
A decorated edgin dedicate, I quested quickly for white marlins
woke up to waves, slept by injestin’ valerian shark cartilage
I paddled my hardest to service the great kahuna's sermons
Ventured into currents till the turbulence grew uncertain
Couldn’t see anemones n urchins thought the next wave id surf in
Next surge formed a maelstrom that’d leave atlantis unburdened
Rode its’ crest for what seemed the oceans length n then its surface
The board warped underneath my feet, and I was nervous
My feet slid off, Its become hard to breathe and my heads hurtin….
I may be out too deep, in the dark, but at least im surfin

...an ode to the dead surfers...

Verse 1: There was an abundance of grammatical mistakes in the verse, which didn't take away from some of your descriptive abilities. "Seeing ghosts in a visage of teeth" didn't strike me as accurate wording. "pulsating out the battle axe" read like you just needed words to rhyme, I don't know how a battle axe relates to this verse in any way. My interpretation of the verse on the surface, and as I think about it I will try to further understand it, is the traditional "below the surface" literary diagram taken to an aquatic level, incorporating humans, the soul and the deceptive energies the open sea can provide. Being that it was a short venture and no concept was expounded upon that I could recollect on at the ending, it was a stand alone piece with some amount of weight to it, with minor bumps in the wording.

Verse 2: I respect the notion of an ode to dead surfers, but wasn't wholly satisfied with that direction. I feel as though it would be better to leave the tribute as an unspoken thing, like the ending itself would indicate the ode. Just my opinion, because mentioning something melancholic or the word 'dead' after an enjoyable verse about the art of surfing gives strong contrast, albeit unwanted? I thought this was good. "woke up to waves, slept by injestin’ valerian shark cartilage" - I think I'm predisposed to liking lines like this because its conception via the more daring part of the imagination the writer harnesses.

You both did well with the picture; I almost feel like I wanted to write to a picture like this recently but can't remember where I saw it. Maybe the Smithsonian mag.

Vote - Verse 2

The reason being it was more to my liking and had less noticeable mechanical flaws. It was also lighter to read and knew what it wanted to achieve.

first verse.
overall did a decent job. some bad lines I wouldve changed/ edited out, like the battle axe one. schemes were competent but not necessarily crisp, like you're forcing it for the deadline/ forcing it, in general. didn't flow super smoothly everywhere- i mean, it flowed but it didn't feel smooth and natural. kinda bulky. the content was mildly interesting

second verse. long winded a lot of the time. great imagery. sometimes the lines were awkwardly worded, but not too bad. in terms of the story, it was interesting but weirdly delivered. like you switched from describing surfing, to trying to make it into a story, but set the scene wrong. idk, i did like it but felt like it could've been even better if edited a bit.

v/ Second Verse. felt very authentic, fit the picture well, and overall held my interest and attention better

I'm on mobile so my vote will be short an sweet

Verse 1- great execution of the ideas and metaphors you wanted to shine through with ya lines. Sometimes conveyed off topic but gathered itself later on down the stream. Seemed a bit force with the conception of it all making the read easy but the understand choppy.

Verse 2 I at times loved your plotting of words then hated it cause I felt some other word could have made it flew more with a aww shit effect or clever with thrown out the hat. The flow was smooth but the fact that it was fluid thru out kept me entertained thru out and I can honestly read it with ease and catch the fluidness of the verse

To me it's what verse entertained me more and in gonna guess on style that I'm goin with coup verse 2

thought both were dope. verse one came out more creative in my opinion, took the pic and ran with the silhouttes and what they "COULD HAVE BEEN" INSTEAD OF WHAT THEY OBVIOUSLY ARE. THOUGHT THE STORY WENT WELL WITH THAT CONCEPT. had some off the wall lines and vocab in there that seemed to just be thrown in for sake of rhyming which was a turn off to me at times.

verse two was straight forward. pretty well done and not to out of the box content and idea wise. captured the image and did what it told you to do for the most part. it was well written and didnt have to much incredible -or otherwise unbelievable things happening it that werent meant to happen

gotta vote verse 2

good battle

@Coup @Rawn MacDon

verse 2 wins 4-0, can i get the reveal to close/update recs?

yes @Sharp Nine

im verse two
coup verse one

gracias.