Netcees - Told of Fame

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- - Told of Fame (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=8382)

Temple of doom my mind only resumes to be coherent,
Half the world cares for merits that dresses their own appearance.

See-
We were told as the youngest of sons to carry the torch,
But more than a plus percentage has only carried remorse.
How is one better for courage when the past is forced,
Then life hits and your at the bottom- taking the crash course.
Folding the pressure- no seat open to stay for the lecture,
Time is the sand the lessens each grasp flexed as a gesture.
Passive aggression which seems to only pass the aggressor,
Taking action is questioned when clawing to the top is measured.

"The hardest part is not letting go
It's what your leaving behind"

Now frank only knew how to fend thru the trenches,
Leaving fences half bent cause he'd shoulder down the defenses.
Minus the classic pretenses- he felt pushed to acceptance,
From being one with neglect.. now giving up knowing none who he was friends with...
Simply selling the essence to gain claps and unknown satchels,
Kept his chin tucked in the gallows of a discreet betrayal pattern.
Rode along with the masses and circled the globe like Saturn,
But just like the planet he stays at a distance from -warmth in the shadows.
Never tending to who truly cared only witnessed life being robbed,
So he followed like chalk, outlining every chance that he got.
Noticed the scrutiny that battled for him being amended w/ props,
The act was over, CUT and take two... Now the actor was shot.
Killed the buzz over night and left the relief pill on the desk,
He said it'd be hard to swallow but his life was already a mess.
No one cared to see that note so how's one to confess,
When his life was like that paper- written then crumpled and never addressed.

Frank lived for the fame but never for the attention he asked,
So his life was crystal clear till someone took a swing and shattered that glass.

Sorry just trying to shake the rust off.....

I liked this man, i'll break it down a bit over lunch. stay up

@Witty @ill nik-A @zygote @EtH @Vulgar @namix @TopicalDood05 @Adonis

Give a look if ya could fellas just getting back into this

@ work. Read a few bars so nice start. Will hit more depth later.

But what alias is this yo? Respond or die slow.

And its @TopicalDood5 Gee!

My alias is Mr.Write
@Witty @Coup @Whys Ways @Vulgar @dead man

Hit me up...

I got you friend.

Bout to fall asleep tho. Book marked this joint.

dead at the replies so far.lol

Quote:

Passive aggression which seems to only pass the aggressor,
Taking action is questioned when clawing to the top is measured.

Dope^

Quote:

Kept his chin tucked in the gallows of a discreet betrayal pattern.
Rode along with the masses and circled the globe like Saturn,
But just like the planet he stays at a distance from -warmth in the shadows.

good imagery, brilliant texture created...lot's of this in here. That's you doing you.

you were talking about a lot in this written and I have no idea what to anchor it to...whatever you are about to say to me in your next post as to what this was about: it should have been woven and established in this text. This was a middle of something I feel you left out, like a time, place, reason or a concept that was clear. This whole piece just felt incomplete and confused.

I guess this sums it up, but rather cheaply cos the main body was a bit all over the place:

Quote:

Frank lived for the fame but never for the attention he asked,
So his life was crystal clear till someone took a swing and shattered that glass.

decent flow...this was not so hot for example:

Quote:

He said it'd be hard to swallow but his life was already a mess.
No one cared to see that note so how's one to confess,

no hate, just honest thoughts. I know what you can bring to the table, so no worries man, I seen some of your work, and it's dope. This OM has high standards (prolly why I hardly posts lol jking)

Pretty entertaining and nice writing, only criticism is the mixing between third person meta-view (first paragraph) and storytelling of a specific character (second paragraph). Can't really say which part felt stronger, they were equally good. Perhaps it would have been more focused and stronger if you had gone for a either/or approach. Some good liners and thoughts presented well, but it is slightly weakened by a lack of unifying focus from mixing between the two writing perspectives.

Yeah I feel you... Still adjusting to trying to keep it on a one perspective approach but with a wild array of views of how to see it

Thanks @zygote @Genocide feed me bitch lol @Just Write I'm still waiting even @Adonis lol

my bad, i forgot lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by Storyteller (Post 88842)

Temple of doom my mind only resumes to be coherent,
Half the world cares for merits that dresses their own appearance.

See-
We were told as the youngest of sons to carry the torch,
But more than a plus percentage has only carried remorse.
How is one better for courage when the past is forced,
Then life hits and your at the bottom- taking the crash course.
Folding the pressure- no seat open to stay for the lecture,
Time is the sand the lessens each grasp flexed as a gesture.
Passive aggression which seems to only pass the aggressor,
Taking action is questioned when clawing to the top is measured.

bold opening, i liked the plus percentage line. I didn't get the time is sand line, i think you meant that instead of the, either way that one went over my head. as far as technical goes this is on point though.

"The hardest part is not letting go
It's what your leaving behind"

Now frank only knew how to fend thru the trenches,
Leaving fences half bent cause he'd shoulder down the defenses.

very descriptive here, i like

Minus the classic pretenses- he felt pushed to acceptance,
From being one with neglect.. now giving up knowing none who he was friends with...

I didn't like this last bar, think you could have shortened it up and still had the same meaning, just didn't flow smooth to me

Simply selling the essence to gain claps and unknown satchels,
Kept his chin tucked in the gallows of a discreet betrayal pattern.
Rode along with the masses and circled the globe like Saturn,
But just like the planet he stays at a distance from -warmth in the shadows.

this was nice, i liked the circled/saturn's ring reference. also the following line, dark side of the moon type shit lol.

Never tending to who truly cared only witnessed life being robbed,
So he followed like chalk, outlining every chance that he got.
Noticed the scrutiny that battled for him being amended w/ props,
The act was over, CUT and take two... Now the actor was shot.

i like how you put these together, that 3rd line was a little choppy to me but i enjoyed the following line very much

Killed the buzz over night and left the relief pill on the desk,
He said it'd be hard to swallow but his life was already a mess.
No one cared to see that note so how's one to confess,
When his life was like that paper- written then crumpled and never addressed.

that last bar went hard.

Frank lived for the fame but never for the attention he asked,
So his life was crystal clear till someone took a swing and shattered that glass.

nice impactful closer, not too much, not too little

Sorry just trying to shake the rust off.....

overall i enjoyed this, you have a good grasp on descriptiveness without substituting vocab, illy piece brethren. stay up

Quote:

Originally Posted by Storyteller (Post 88842)

Temple of doom my mind only resumes to be coherent,
Half the world cares for merits that dresses their own appearance.

Decent opener, captivated me and makes me want to read on. However, I do think that some punctuation or better structure of the first sentence could do some minor improvements though as ''Temple of doom my mind'' seems to be a bit chaotic to me. But that's just my opinion though.

Quote:

See-
We were told as the youngest of sons to carry the torch,
But more than a plus percentage has only carried remorse.
How is one better for courage when the past is forced,
Then life hits and your at the bottom- taking the crash course.
Folding the pressure- no seat open to stay for the lecture,
Time is the sand the lessens each grasp flexed as a gesture.
Passive aggression which seems to only pass the aggressor,
Taking action is questioned when clawing to the top is measured.

You're vs. Your mr. Write. Beside of that the entire section was dope to me.

Quote:

"The hardest part is not letting go
It's what your leaving behind"

Now frank only knew how to fend thru the trenches,
Leaving fences half bent cause he'd shoulder down the defenses.

Is it correct grammar to leave out ''the'' and keep it like this; ''cause he'd shoulder down defenses''? If it is I think it'd flow better with the first line and seeing how the rhymescheme follows through to the next line as well I think it'd be a perfect start to that whole paragraph tbh. It's nitpicking tho'.

Quote:

Minus the classic pretenses- he felt pushed to acceptance,
From being one with neglect.. now giving up knowing none who he was friends with...
Simply selling the essence to gain claps and unknown satchels,
Kept his chin tucked in the gallows of a discreet betrayal pattern.
Rode along with the masses and circled the globe like Saturn,
But just like the planet he stays at a distance from -warmth in the shadows.
Never tending to who truly cared only witnessed life being robbed,
So he followed like chalk, outlining every chance that he got.

^Dope shit.

Quote:

Noticed the scrutiny that battled for him being amended w/ props,
The act was over, CUT and take two... Now the actor was shot.

^ Kinda just wanted to give you props for structuring it the way you did. It's something about keeping the lines even that makes the reader feel that the entire verse is better written/structures. Example: ''w/props'' & ''take two...'', the extra periods serves as a short pause but it also evens the sentences better. I like that. Great execution and a tiny detail I think a lot of people don't even think about/notice, sometimes even while writing, but I just realized it helps a shitload. Maybe I'm just weird, but that's what I felt, lol.

Quote:

Killed the buzz over night and left the relief pill on the desk,
He said it'd be hard to swallow but his life was already a mess.
No one cared to see that note so how's one to confess,
When his life was like that paper- written then crumpled and never addressed.

^ Pure dopeness, really well written. My favourite lines of your piece. I liked how the couplets correlated with eachother to bring out a stronger message.

Quote:

Frank lived for the fame but never for the attention he asked,
So his life was crystal clear till someone took a swing and shattered that glass.

^ Pretty cool closure as well, but I actually think the 4 lines prior to that works better. I kinda agree to the points Zygote put forth as well, but wither way this was a pretty dope piece overall. Looking forward to read more from you.

@Objective honestly appreciate the time you took to critique this with honest feed thanks man