Netcees - The Realist

Netcees (http://netcees.org/index.php)

- Open Mic Section (http://netcees.org/forumdisplay.php?f=6)

- - The Realist (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=8316)

The Realist.

I'm the kinda guy that gets nervous on purpose,
a masked circus of worthless to drown all of my burdens.
I've lowered the expectations to be calm under the surface,
when I succeed for my peeps it's like surprisingly good service.
I get cred for my work and I feel great cuz I was trying my hardest,
but as a jerk revising my tactics I realize I'm proud as a con-artist.
So now I'll be honest; the compound of a evil genius in motion
is the sound of psych-wards applauding the king of the ocean.
The Leviathan's me, and you bet my powers are potent,
I swore to fulfill designs within rhymes to instill all of its content.
I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned 'bout the text on my grave.
I'm complex and insane, my aim in context; vexed to be trained,
too perplex to be tamed, I named this contest ''Who's the next to be slain?''
I'm in debt to behave as OCD turned into passion,
burned bridges with flows, now I'm violent for action.
An honest distraction, contractions got prone;
the hyphens learn connections like text-into-tone.
After years of words turned into nothing I kinda feel sore and abused,
when I ask my friends what they think ... It's just boredom excused.

Quote:

I'm the kinda guy that gets nervous on purpose,
a masked circus of worthless to drown all of my burdens.

I see you Objective***

DOPE opener ....nervous on purpose means the utmost self control and manipulation mannerisms. Indeed a masked circus....to drown well, anything. Props

you follow up the next line with sense to the first...I've been really working on my game in that aspect cat.

Quote:

I get cred for my work and I feel great cuz I was trying my hardest,
but as a jerk revising my tactics I realize I'm proud as a con-artist.

good running themes, stung together well. Good flow.

Quote:

So deep into writing I'm concerned 'bout the text on my grave.

lol, indeed.

Quote:

the hyphens learn connections like text-into-tone.

smart

Quote:

After years of words turned into nothing I kinda feel sore and abused,
when I ask my friends what they think ... It's just boredom excused.

A let down closer. Here is why...you established very well your circus con-artits ways...I have every reason by this presentation to believe that this character gives not one flying f#$k what his friends think....so why ask ?

Brilliant drop, content first (just the unity of themes), schemes second, then flow. In that order of impressiveness. true multi's or mosaic rhymes with more alliteration would set this off on another level. Lot's of inner rhymes and slants though...which everyone has down...elevate (not a diss, but encouragement. You got this). I also understand how difficult it is to make sense and come with such a polished presentation in terms of rhyme word limitations. props.

English isn't your first language, yes?

ocean can rhyme with potent... and though spelled similarly, pushing content into that mix does not work. poe -tunt vs. con-tent (i make up my own phonetics, but you get the idea). i point this out and explain it because it happens in quite a few places in your verse...

...it's what leads to me believe you're not a native english speaker.

ignoring all of that, this was ok in places. you had some semi-interesting ideas and their conveyance is relatively clear. as a whole, i'm not sure what this piece was, as the mention of Leviathan (da gawd) really seemed to switch the general mood. i didn't hate it. apologies if my first paragraph comes across finicky.

keep on keeping on.

You stepped up your game here with this section:

I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned 'bout the text on my grave.
I'm complex and insane, my aim in context; vexed to be trained,
too perplex to be tamed, I named this contest ''Who's the next to be slain?''
^Nice, Objective. The first bar goes hard.

The rest of this was chill and worth the read.

Keep doing you