1984-2014
 

July 4th has passed, although I still hear the explosions..
Still fearing the omen, scolding.. spilled tears into oceans
The river is flowing, glowing much like it's bioluminescent
As lighter fumes fry my views to crime & doomed expression
Violent moods, depression, silent rooms, compression
Claustrophobic utopias entering minds then move to trenches
Life closing in, I feel the ground shake.. only fields of battle
Scattered, each wrong choice consequently steals what matters
& my father told me that some bridges can never be mended
But I never intended to burn them, hoping heaven accepts it
I can't cope, sweating, a sedative death grip is locked into me
God listen, see.. see.. I didn't get it... I slipped to fall endlessly
Bloodline a distant memory, so who is there to fend for me?
Me..? One dubious & foolish enough to ruin plans relentlessly
I've been mainlining Lucifer daily w/ no regret or remorse
Just memories torn.. enemies born.. no direction or course
Follow me into the abyss, where this nightmare is eternal
The blind stares, the cries layered.. as if Christ airs the inferno
I see thier faces, abrasive.. missing thier kisses. I can taste them
Human flesh I once caressed, a distant vision lost to mayhem
My intuition cost me gravely, I've embarked on a terrible journey
No returning to the surface this time.. just the man on a gurney

...........*pop*.....

Will drop links in am.

Smoked a lil.. wanted something off my chest here.

NB didn't really get it like bold

Youre a smart person yo

Appreciate it. Tho if I was just a tad bit smarter that piece woulda never been written.

This was dope, tbh. Shit flowed nicely and provided some nice imagery, bro. Never really peeped your shit before but this was nice, son. Props.

...........................................

Violent moods, depression, silent rooms, compression

i think theres a certain degree more expected from a member (of this site in particular) that is not only a frequent contributor to the disc forum but has become a character of sorts in the social dynamic of the website. you are a prevalent personality on NC and as such, anything you write (especially something personal and revealing) tends to garner more attention than that of a person who does not participate very actively in the more 'social' realms of the site.

people already feel they know you so your writing reinforces that. i, on the other hand, reveal myself almost exclusively through this weird sort of writing. say what you will but i prefer it this way.

moreover, there is a certain pretension and expectation going into a verse of yours based on the personality and troll persona you've developed. it surprises some and may even change their opinion on the work itself. none of this is absolutely relevant to the verse but they are all things to be considered when viewing a work. context is always important. nothing in this field is objective.

the fact that you haven't received any commentary on this is a bit staggering. maybe people are intimidated or perhaps not used to seeing you around these parts.

this struck me as a bit melodramatic if I'm being honest. the letter to myself and others, farewell for i am dying now because of my mistakes is sort of a well beaten path at this point. i hope you can understand that.

what struck me most surprising is your technical ability to translate a thought or feeling into such succinct and relatable rhyme-work. not terribly typical for someone who focuses primarily on battling and really one of the cornerstones of written work that i believe is very pigeonholed in the battling realm.

its nice to take a breath and write with freedom now and again. its almost a shame so many of us only find ourselves channeling the negativity but thats the melancholic creative mind at work says the science.

the capt. obvious quote was a highlight for sure.

this was a bit vague and overly idiomatic for my taste but you are clearly testing the waters here. this was very interesting for what it was. i found myself back in here skimming the lines and relating them to the anecdotes youve revealed in disc about your situations and whatnot. whether honest or not, we always look for a pattern.

i hope you continue to write and post work in here strik.

thanks


1

This reads like the last letter of a suicidal man who knows his going to hell. It had very strong images that invoked such connotations. There's also a hint of irrationality which fits quite nicely with the theme of it all. The reason why this is is because it displays the rushing of the stream of irrationality of the last thoughts filtering as one's final closing approaches. It had a cynicism to it that displayed the virulent, and pestilent emotions, and state of mind that leads one to depart into the abyss.
And you made this abyss come to life in a very unique way, although obviously influenced by Abrahamic beliefs of some type of redemptive "purgatory".
"Follow me into the abyss, where this nightmare is eternal, The blind stares, the cries layered.. as if Christ airs the inferno"
That line is brilliant, and entails an idea that has haunted many individuals destiny for eons it seems.

Well anyways, keep writing.

Didn't think it was bad. Liked it way more than the cubans. Will update with feed.

And we're both better than u

Was dope

Ive been Mainlining satan

Wat an awesome way of putting it

I had read a few of ur topicals in the NWL a year or so back....zo i knew u couod write these type of pieces. Schemes seemed cleaner tho.

Topic not fully innovative at all...but i guess in a sense that makes it relateable by default haha.

I liked it. Nice drop.

This was great, word choice was properly selected to really get the point across and make the imagery vivid, I could picture this in my head as I read it. Schemes were all dope the whole way through as well as the flow which rolled off of my.tounge as I read it aloud. Definitely a dope piece, the way you put your thoughts and emotions down on this piece really made it great. I was feeling the topic. Great work.
Keep writing and stay blessed.
Peace.

Wording was buttery, imagery was integrated very naturally & the flow of ideas was upper level.

The river is flowing, glowing much like it's bioluminescent
As lighter fumes fry my views to crime & doomed expression
Violent moods, depression, silent rooms, compression
Claustrophobic utopias entering minds then move to trenches
Life closing in, I feel the ground shake.. only fields of battle
Scattered, each wrong choice consequently steals what matters
& my father told me that some bridges can never be mended
But I never intended to burn them, hoping heaven accepts it


"utopias entering minds" was shaky but that whole section was ill

Dope & concise.


Thought the subject matter was a little old hat, and you could've easily reached out & pulled down some bigger themes. Be more ambitious with your writing, you can take the topicalist route, be less direct & just wow ppl with finer writing. I'll say you could be more ambitious with your rhyme schemes, though the bold part was money. Do you though.

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=81076

if you get time

you write a bit like a person who has an ignorant view of one aspect of writing and then builds on that misunderstanding. that probably doesn't make sense but i know exactly what the fuck i mean. it wasn't an insult, either. i wouldn't say this was bad. you definitely had some good lines, but on the whole, it didn't read naturally to me. i know you can write, though.

pz