Netcees - Cyborganic

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- - Cyborganic (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=56244)

I feel like..

The moon is inverted. No light, no luminous surface
An anorexic mother earth, a womb without purpose
The opulence of the son of apes reduced to a hermit’s
A fusion of murmurs. A whisper in the Carbyne storm
Under an eye of Ruby makes me miss the starlight’s warmth
A monster. Slithering out of a pool of binary code & metal limps
A fiery rose with petal tips that bite & corrode the pendulum
Poison the sands of time, yet I remember the honor of candlelight
It’s what brings joy to December, to paupers, to men who cry
It reminds me of my carnal nature; the tale of Adam & Eve
Lust of the flesh. A double-edged arrow to the heart of the seed
A martyr’s disease. The freedom of motion from a jejune state
Divorce from a menu’s taste. Return to a charity venue’s plate
Drenched in vengeful hate, a slave to old enemies
Tautologically walk the faultlines of my own memories
A ghost in a stone cemetery. Worms meshing to skin
When you’re controlled by software you realize this;
It’s a curse to live by the law.. it’s a blessing to sin
The flexing of wings, in awe of the age of technology
Einstein to Newton, let us await the new face of a prodigy
A pebble, a stone.. climb a rock or a mountain
Broke my chemical bones, sap youth out of a fountain
Hold your breath. Don’t you dare inhale my mixture of dust
Listen my love; these robotic arms are no longer worth a picture of us

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http://www.btchflcks.com/wp-content/...op-image01.jpg

its ok i guess...u seemed like u new what u were doing

Slithering out of a pool of binary code & metal limps
A fiery rose with petal tips that bite & corrode the pendulum
Poison the sands of time, yet I remember the honor of candlelight

very cool, thoughtful imagery

I like that woman in the picture. Is it a screenshot from a movie? That'd be cool if it was a photomanipulation.

A double-edged arrow to the heart of the seed
^This was my favorite line. Interesting idea.

You have a knack for wording your lines well, and also for imaginative concepts placed in concession with one another at a steady pace. You allowed room for your lines to breathe, rhyming them with finesse. I would've went a little heavier on the relationship aspect. There are tons of opportunities for using man and woman in a cybernetic/organic context.

Good work. @Mael

Keep doing you

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vulgar (Post 299019)

Thanks for the feed, @Vulgar.

lol.. yeah, that's Abbie Cornish in the new remake of Robocop.

yea your wording is pretty solid. it's crispy. i feel like you probably refine your lines from the get-go until they meet your standard, or trim the fat afterward. idk it's hard to decide on the process when i've only the product to view. this was pretty good. definitely resonated with more poetic allusions. conceptually i wasn't up on this. i give Abbie Cornish an 8.5/10. the film itself a 6.

it don't happen too often, but ya know when you read somebody's work and be like dannnng i wish i wrote that

this was amzaing

Quote:

The moon is inverted. No light, no luminous surface
An anorexic mother earth, a womb without purpose
The opulence of the son of apes reduced to a hermit’s
A fusion of murmurs. A whisper in the Carbyne storm
Under an eye of Ruby makes me miss the starlight’s warmth
A monster. Slithering out of a pool of binary code & metal limps
A fiery rose with petal tips that bite & corrode the pendulum
Poison the sands of time, yet I remember the honor of candlelight

whata bomb of a opening. original, fresh imagery that cut you....a pace that flowed seamless.

dat imagery

HOF

edit: the picture took away form the verse

@Eŋg - Thanks for the feed. I wasn't too keen on the movie either.

@Coup - Appreciate the feed and the HOF nomination. I suppose I could have left out the picture, but it sort of rebelliously tide into my last line of him thinking he isn't worth a picture of them.

Will RTF to anyone if you provide links.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coup (Post 301227)

edit: the picture took away form the verse

but it doesnt take away that much! I enjoyed this thoroughly. Some words seem very tight wound! Part what coup quoted was exceptional! keep it up brethren

Thoroughly enjoyed this. No complaints, really.

This piece was gorgeous. I can definitely appreciate something that expands possibility of abstract thought with a focused destination. This was well written and even better paced and rhymed. I enjoyed this and wish for you to post more. This was inspiring.

@razor wayans damon blades
@El Pancake
@Vividlyvague

Thanks for the feed, fellas.

Again, to anyone, I will return the feed if you leave a link to your piece.

This shut made no sense lol