Originally Posted by Jah Homie (Post 45799)

See Smirk was always frontin' so no emcee get behind him
Til' I snuck up, cut his throat, and peeled off his eyelids
There was no punch here, kind of a horrorcore approach but no wordplay, flip, punch or anything
After his gruesome murder, Smirk's rap career was through
on the bright side, the footage hit the lotto on youtube
'hit the lotto' couldve been an okay concept, but it wasn't used well here - give nameflip ideas time, explore options for what you can do with it and see if you can make it work both ways. I see a really easy but potentially decent flip in 'hit the lotto', though the phrase itself doesn't make sense - I'm pretty sure it's hit the jackpot
Lotto's girl hittin' me up cause she like em big, brawny and violent
So I loosened her up gently and started tearin' through her hymen
Statement, there's so many more creative ways to say it
His bitch jotted down her number after homie lubed her wickets
Since she was a grenade, homie showed her where to stick it
Almost wordplay. Almost. Again, explore what you can do with the concepts before just going with whatever cones to mind
Smirk bitch made, can't get laid, he's a sad little victim
So When My Switch Blade cut him six ways, I was his lotto ticket
Didnt really make sense, and you're more focused on the scheme here than the actual concept

Originally Posted by Lotto Smirk (Post 46315)

You want to be a thug right, Compton I bet ya want to live there
But calling yaself jah homie is the closest ya ever gon get to the hood nerd
Awkward wording, no rhyme and punch was a statement
You aint winning this battle foo, herd ya a pedofile you should be apprehended dude
If jah's ever getting given a W it'll be the letter of the prison wing hes been sentenced too
Weak concept, but something of wordplay
This guys a bum, got no job but i think a funeral director would be suitable
Cause the way you bigging the battle up in disc show's ya good at promoting ya own funeral
If you can help it you want to keep the flip out of the setup - using funeral in both lined took away from it, tho it wasn't too great to begin with
and that shit had me rofl'in, had people thinking i was you, that shit aint coo
But you posting that verse proved the only one willing to be a gambler is you
I had a really similar concept in UW, this wasn't done too well - could use some thought
blah aint wasting anymore if you beat me ill gladly rematch and body you

Originally Posted by Jah Homie (Post 45799)

See Smirk was always frontin' so no emcee get behind him
Til' I snuck up, cut his throat, and peeled off his eyelids
This isnt a concept or punch, its imagery and a statement
After his gruesome murder, Smirk's rap career was through
on the bright side, the footage hit the lotto on youtube
This isnt very clever, thought out or effective even if this style was accepted - cmon man
Lotto's girl hittin' me up cause she like em big, brawny and violent
So I loosened her up gently and started tearin' through her hymen
This is a statement - you seem more suited to the open mic
His bitch jotted down her number after homie lubed her wickets
Since she was a grenade, homie showed her where to stick it
I think you were onto something here, but it missed, you should look up other battles and Namix training in UW, some good stuff in there
Smirk bitch made, can't get laid, he's a sad little victim
So When My Switch Blade cut him six ways, I was his lotto ticket
You were focusing on rhymes here, which is fine as a bonus but it needs to hurt, to be honest I think I could see how you might make this work but it still wouldnt be great

Originally Posted by Lotto Smirk (Post 46315)

You want to be a thug right, Compton I bet ya want to live there
But calling yaself jah homie is the closest ya ever gon get to the hood nerd
This didnt rhyme, its like one of you rhymes and has no concepts and you have concepts and dont rhyme... rhyming is a must...
You aint winning this battle foo, herd ya a pedofile you should be apprehended dude
If jah's ever getting given a W it'll be the letter of the prison wing hes been sentenced too
This is a concept, no sting, didnt hit hard, but its a concept none the less so you have already won this battle by default - 1 vs 0
This guys a bum, got no job but i think a funeral director would be suitable
Cause the way you bigging the battle up in disc show's ya good at promoting ya own funeral
Meh this was so weak - funeral in set up and as the punch line...way to keep me in suspense
and that shit had me rofl'in, had people thinking i was you, that shit aint coo
But you posting that verse proved the only one willing to be a gambler is you
This was pretty obvious, but I would of used something similar in terms of concept, just worded totally differently...you had smething here its a shame, probs lotb still
blah aint wasting anymore if you beat me ill gladly rematch and body you