ZenLand Part II
 

Part I-The Declaration
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?398-ZenLand

Part II-The Revolution

Each day is harder gettin slain by Karma wondering when I became a martyr?
Che Guevara. Things best change tomorrow or I'll leave in a flash of bullets,
Blake, relax and cool it. "Fuck that them bastards blew it,
You're an avid shootist, Couple magazines, gasoline and a match'll do it,
Face it mate this path you're cruisin is a disaster brewin,
You wanna nine to five til the time you die? Then collapse into ruin,
But if you're the Master...Prove it."
I AM the master of my destiny I just mask my complexities,
"What about your past felonies?" Those were from bouts of doubt and brash jealousy,
Now I'm past that, I'm on rap tracks tryin to grasp the melodies,
"HAHAHA Hashtag backtocelibacy!! You lack the relevancy
To make a success, What happened to breaking necks and taking techs
And blastin persons?" That was my last version, I'm past that person,
"Fuck that moment of doubt, foam at the mouth like a rabies bite!!"
You know what?

Fantastic, the flow is on point, the images are crisp, I read part one and really liked the whole rebel tip that both pieces are on. The switch in this verse was tight, really a great dialogue going between the first attitude and a new more communal attitude where you are seeing that there's a job to do and its not just about you.

Dope verse

Appreciate that Bent.

Hey you guys remember when I fed your pieces and then you didn't return the favor? I do :)
UP

craziness man. you def swinging around some nice vocab on some crazy multies and complexity. very interesting to read, this is skillfull work. i liked the last half when the pace sped up and you kinda just got on a rant and let off some steam. dopeness. u had some good slanting too like: enemies to industires.. works well.. there were a couple parts that weren't EXACTLY perfect like missing a syllable but thats getting picky. this is really good shit man. enjoying ur pieces here so far. you ever get on aim to keystyle or anything? at the very least u should drop some in the cypher section

I did a keystlye drop in OM called Ghost that's Livin but idk where it is lol. And my last battle in the AOWL was a keystlye @CopyPat. If you got anything that needs feed let me know

my nucca..

Each day is harder gettin slain by Karma wondering when I became a martyr?Che Guevara. Things best change tomorrow or I'll leave in a flash of bullets,Blake, relax and cool it. "Fuck that them bastards blew it,You're an avid shootist, Couple magazines, gasoline and a match'll do it,Face it mate this path you're cruisin is a disaster brewin,You wanna nine to five til the time you die? Then collapse into ruin,

that shot was tight, coulda quoted the whole thing.. just some great vocab with a rapid fire delivery.. you write with a beat or what? if so what did you use here? def gunna peep the other piece.. so far everything ive read from you ive enjoyed so kudos to that. you be interested in collabin on sumn? if so pm me.. stay up n keep droppin them fresh joints.

Appreciate that JW and on the collab maybe sometime. I've got a few people who say they wanna collab at the moment but if you've all ready gotta topic to collab on them PM and I'll get something written holmes @Just Write

Feed here later

It was sick. It had a cool beat goin with it.

There was no beat there. And I appreciate you dropping one sentence after I gave you a paragraph of feed.

Made me think of Immortal Technique listening to it. You could put *insert da circle member here* to that middle verse. Visually it was well constructed, loved how many syllables you incorporated into the rhyme while staying on point.

I'll admit, not a fan of this line though. It was a little gimmicky, and # in my opinion doesn't belong in a song. While I like the squishedtogetherwords conceptually they aren't repeated to continue.

Still, that was super dope, and I loved the "mirror-effect" across the page. It felt like a poem, and after all, that is what rap is supposed to be: Poetry over music.

Your welcome. Everythings got a beat

Go away.
And thanks @Jah Homie

Impressive work here, Zen :)

The main difference between this and part one was the tone.

Part one had a theological vibe to it. This appeared as more a social intonation (Though the interrelation is there).

Loved the dialogue. It was natural and pretty convincing; Not an easy feat in regards to this type of writing arena. I'm not quite sure if there's internal dialogues going on but i felt it (dialogue) was appropriate well executed.

I'm horrible at feedback so i will leave it at that.

Overall great job ;)

HonestlyI Think That Was Really Impressive It Flowed Really Well. The Lines About Being A martyr And Che Guevara Is what Reminded Me Of Immortal Technique. I Really Liked The LineS

"I AM the master of my destiny I just mask my complexities,
"What about your past felonies?" Those were from bouts of doubt and brash jealousy,
Now I'm past that, I'm on rap tracks tryin to grasp the melodies“

Because ITs Redemption And Pretty Profound, So You Had Good Content Too.

Appreciate the feed @Matriarch and @fathead

I'll be back later to critique this bro.

Hahahaha

Beasted it son..

I literally spit that aloud so fast, the flow was boss.

The content and flow....it was totally up my street. I might even record me on that just for you!

I AM the master of my destiny I just mask my complexities,
"What about your past felonies?" Those were from bouts of doubt and brash jealousy

Gave me a bit of an old shady feel in some places, that bit above specifically, not sure why but meh it isnt a bad thing.

Keep writing boss

Flo

Actually edit - it could be longer ;)

No lol.
But I appreciate the kind words fella