Netcees - Debut to this Textcee shit

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- - Debut to this Textcee shit (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=54795)

Debut to this Textcee shit

I said im Rolling in the Deep feel the fire at my feet
cause im on an uphill battle and this travels pretty steep
and this road is pretty narrow so make sure that you can see
come equipped with bows and arrows or prepare for your defeat
what I mean?
that this game is full of sharks trynna eat
everybody got the same goals and the same dreams
no lights we putting up fights in dark streets
don't know where im headed so I follow my heart beat
young nigga born in Nine four (94) , don't get it twisted ive fought in 9 wars
im a mo'fucking general money coming in like its revenue
the only goal I had was to always be ahead of you
and prove to you hating that ima fucking make it
whether now or in the future my ambitions never fading
and prove to you hating that ima fucking make it
whether now or in the future my ambitions never fading
i said it twice i hope that you get the memo
now roll up that cigarillo, they sleep on me like a pillow
perc got me so mellow, im so high like Hello
smoke that Lala like Melo, Eyes redder then elmo
and im always strapped Velcro,
bodies on the shottie watch how quick i let them shells go

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike rips Mics (Post 281762)

I said im Rolling in the Deep feel the fire at my feet
Solid, but lacks the strength intros usually come with, try relating the 2 more directly.
cause im on an uphill battle and this travels pretty steep
and this road is pretty narrow so make sure that you can see
The uphill battle thing doesn't correlate with "feel the fire at my feet" which makes it offputting. And I find that narrow roads make it easier to see not really something you need to address let alone make the listener aknowledge
come equipped with bows and arrows or prepare for your defeat
not feelin it
what I mean?
Cool separation though; I mean, I know what you mean. lol
that this game is full of sharks trynna eat
everybody got the same goals and the same dreams
This was kind of cool
no lights we putting up fights in dark streets
don't know where im headed so I follow my heart beat
Very cool, direct and easy metaphor use.
young nigga born in Nine four (94) , don't get it twisted ive fought in 9 wars
Elaborate or it's just talk; talk is cheap.
im a mo'fucking general money coming in like its revenue
the only goal I had was to always be ahead of you
and prove to you hating that ima fucking make it
whether now or in the future my ambitions never fading
and prove to you hating that ima fucking make it
whether now or in the future my ambitions never fading
You aint got shit to prove bruh, I felt like you should have made it about proving it to yourself, not other people. I find that as a source of weakness
i said it twice i hope that you get the memo
now roll up that cigarillo, they sleep on me like a pillow
You turned this shit around fast. Stay on point please.
perc got me so mellow, im so high like Hello
smoke that Lala like Melo, Eyes redder then elmo
and im always strapped Velcro,
Velcro aint a strap, I think that's why it's called velcro. But I get it, lyrically it wasn't good, at all.
bodies on the shottie watch how quick i let them shells go
I hear this in every mainstream rap song. Something about slugs in your chest?

@Mike rips Mics

I like the reality but in actuality the entire piece was a casualty.

Welcome to netcees.

Try putting 10 minutes into each line; felt like you rushed through this shit.

Lol at 10 mins into each line

Don't do that
Keep doing u

Good starting point for a nice writing foundation u got here

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hush (Post 282117)

Lol at 10 mins into each line

exaggerated of course.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike rips Mics (Post 281762)

perc got me so mellow, im so high like Hello
smoke that Lala like Melo, Eyes redder then elmo
and im always strapped Velcro,
bodies on the shottie watch how quick i let them shells go

cool. nice first drop. showed some potential.

nice name broski. mike wrecka wreckin mics . we may have to collab some time

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike rips Mics (Post 281762)

Some good lines here. The heart-beat line was good. Some nice concepts but there's so much of these ego/gangsta 'I'm gonna make it' pieces that you'd need to have done somethin' way more fresh than this for it to truly stand out.

Not that your scheme is bad or your rhymes were sh*t, just that the concept is done so much that it all gets a bit samey and this felt mediocre in some ways. The repeated line felt a bit overdone, and the beginning was stronger than the end. The elmo line made me laugh but it doesn't fit the whole sinister-ish vibe at the beginning. It felt like you started off gangsta and ended up pot-smokin' and havin' a joke.

you have potential but I've got a feelin' you could do better if you didn't confine yourself to this.

Anyways, just IMO.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aesthetic (Post 281768)

@Mike rips Mics

I like the reality but in actuality the entire piece was a casualty.

Welcome to netcees.

Try putting 10 minutes into each line; felt like you rushed through this shit.

Hey man thanks a lot for breaking it down for me, ive always told myself I was kind of all over the place with my rhyme schemes and the way I delivered every line, but im learning day by day bruh , bare with me good constructive criticism ,

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hush (Post 282117)

Lol at 10 mins into each line

Don't do that
Keep doing u

Good starting point for a nice writing foundation u got here

Honestly I do this for fun, wouldn't even be much fun if I stressed myself for 10 minutes every line, definitely will just keep doing me and elevating, every ones pointers will help out a lot

Thanks every body for ya feedback

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike rips Mics (Post 284606)

Honestly I do this for fun, wouldn't even be much fun if I stressed myself for 10 minutes every line, definitely will just keep doing me and elevating

great attitude, this will serve you well here, Aesthetic is 15 years old and sucks at this.

you did well to swerve his advice.

the day this stops being fun, you shouldnt be doing it

keep that pen moving!

Read through it, didn't really like it but with the pointers you get and your attitude towards improving I don't see why you wont write something that I'll enjoy. Keep it up, have fun and do you.