“The Tale of Nicodemus & the Black Bard”
 

N

Hof

I found myself trying to rhyme 'countryside' with 'most of his life' in the opener, no idea why. I'm obsessive on shit like that.

I liked this couplet, second is really well written with the internal rhyme, liked the sweet and teeth thing too as the two related.

I thought the switch up in the next couplet threw me slightly, had to re-read to make sure I was at the right point in the story, the whole Phineas title had me lost completely because I'd no idea how to rhyme that place name haha! I love your batshit craziness creativity wise though, you're one of a kind in that sense, the characters and idea is completely out there.

The closing section was my fave, actually, a great little moral twist to it and to be careful what you wish for.

HOF

Thanks.

This was great. It was thought provoking throughout and was structured beautifully IMO. The story itself was interesting and the imagery was on point. It carried on perfectly and the writing was also very timely. I don't have any complaints with this. Solid as it gets. Good job man

Hof nom

You're very good at story telling. I suggest recording this. This is album material. 10/10

Hof

Thanks all. last up

This was dope as fuck shit, enjoyed it alot.
The story was good was written really smooth

This was dope as fuck shit, enjoyed it alot.
The story was good was written really smooth

Being a hermit ensured he existed meagerly at no expense of a colony
He'd give wandering beggars apologies, for he himself was the essence of poverty
This was a really powerful analogy. How you compare social and financial deprivation.

Great imagery as usual. Your level of story telling is flawless. Even though you use a lot of exotic language and referencing you still manage to make your flow accessible and read smooth. This was creative and fun to read. Keep up the awesome work, @Vulgar.

I saw you went and fed allot of others' work so I figured you deserved some more feed. First off the writing here is flawless. You would think since you used the words that you did that undoubtedly the flow would be compromised because of it, but it never was. The writing itself was flawless and that ability you showed in writing allowed to let your story develop naturally. In my opinion, this is one of the best topical verses I've ever read. It's a simple concept of greed will imprison us all (fortune cookie bullshit lol), but you paced the story correctly for creating the most impact with the conclusion.
For instance, I noticed each time a new character was introduced they were described in detail forming a clear mental picture of their appearance and characteristics. Nicodemus is a loving, unselfish man stricken with poverty who is trying to feed his niece a nectarine for supper because that is all he has. Genevieve, the niece, didnt complain and accepted what her uncle gave her, and from this we see that she loves her uncle and accepts what he gives her, but I also think she pities him and as the story concludes we see what happens because of that pity.
So far into the story at this point the description of the piece has been a 'real' setting, but with the introduction of the Black Bard everything changes. Suddenly the world has transformed into a mythical type setting. The Black Bard appears to me as a Loki type character promising gifts, but they are not without consequence.
Fast forward into the story as Genevieve wishes for her uncle to have all the wealth of the world. Once she attempts to enter her uncles new palace she is beaten to death by Nicodemus, and it concludes with the Bard telling us that he will never leave the home and will instead protect his riches. The ending is powerful especially this line:

The Bard began waltzing through the greenery, the waterfall its sentient throne
While playing a lovely solo with a violin crafted from Genevieve’s bones
^^Wow.

If you decided to look at the three characters more closely as I have, you can see them for what they really are. I encourage anyone who reads this to do so actually. Nicodemus in the beginning represents freedom and love, Genevieve is innocence and pity, and the Bard from the very beginning is in control of them. By the end of the story because of Genevieve's pity leads to Nicodemus having all the wealth of the world, and in the process his innocence is killed literally and figuratively, and now he is imprisoned by his wealth.

10/10 HOF this. Props Vulgar.