Netcees - Make. Believe.

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Make. Believe.

We were only seventeen! Both wild childs, but had good hearts
Our family lives have amplified the smiles we had bookedmarked
I took to rye, she was more a Gewürztraminer wine girl
Bright as porcelaine diamonds, she was sure to shine up my world
We were forced to try and snort some lines as highschool soared on by us.
Our portrait was important, we conformed to hide in normal sight
A chorus of adepts advise the forming of a mortal minded Mordecai
They said It’s time for an investment, spend in credit, it’s the best way!
Just pay for education, pick a trade, obtain the best grades
The stress, it gave me chest pains, mind would wander where it shouldn’t
I would ponder where they took him, why his sons life wasn’t looked at
Sometimes I’d find old books to read of father and his goodness
Mom provides me with a bushel, and as eyes both stalk the pile
She confined one, said it’s gloomy and did not want me to look at it
Guess Dad was wild in his youth, it seems like all of us are crooked
But he glided up to Chief of the police before they took him
Ratted by his own policemen, he was swallowed for a good rest
But was honored by his team and I responded quick with good sense
Just like mice pursuing boots of cheese... I followed in his footsteps

. . .

Soon as I got off duty, just to swallow off the blues, I thought I’d call a hooker
Of all the slags to choose and send me, why’d the booker have to choose her..
I described the bluish dress I had requested on the new girl
I’m Lieutenant. been accredited with excellence, the truths blurred
My blemish is embezzling percentages to screw girls
Deception in it’s method, yes unethical, but Lou serves them!
Tap, tap.. Finally! Race off to the door to find my maiden
She had huge curves, boobs firm, bet her juices mighty tasty
Her hat was slightly faded and it’s hiding sight from faces
Such nostalgia as she prowled, it’s the liveliness I’m craving
She said ‘Thousand for an hour’ price was high but I still paid it
To my amazement, as the hat tipped backwards and our eyes drew
I find the grace of my past chapter, lady love from back in highschool
As I go to make an action, grasp a thigh or maybe swipe her cooch
YOU BITCH! Its bad.. No sex for me, well SHIT, since I’m a cop, I’m screwed
She quickly flips a badge and then arrests me for soliciting a prostitute

Up, will be droppin some feed soon.

Lol this was tight dude, flow was solid but had a lime or two that seemed a couple syllables too many. The story an imagery were dope as fuvk tho, the whole following in your father footsteps an assuming both getting taken in for the same reason. The nice twist of it being by your highschool Bunny was cool too. Honestly wish it would have had another stanza explaining life in jail as a cop would have been a more complete ending but that could be a whole another verse altogether tho.
All in all a dope piece bruh keep it up

You try to rhyme so much, and you do, but I don't think you consider syllable stresses enough. This is a consistent issue, probably your biggest. Rhymes should come off naturally, but you stack them so deep that the awkward ones really stand out. A good example was this couplet:

"My blemish is embezzling percentages to screw girls
Deception in it's method, yes unethical, but Lou serves them"

Aside from saying "Deception" instead of "Deceptive," everything works really well there until the last rhyme. Then, because you demanded "girls" be two syllables or the rhyme not match up and because the wording was weird, it comes across as really forced. There seems to be about one of these instances every four lines or so in most of your verses, and if you cut those types of things out, you'd really improve.

In general, I think it would help your verses read more naturally if you backed off of the internal rhyming. Your rhymes are not particularly complex, they're just frequent, overly so, and they dominate the discussion of your verses and come across as more important than the content as a result.

Anyway, aside from those lumps in the rhyming, this was OK at best. I think you are much, much better when you focus on grander aspirations and more abstract writing than this sort of down-to-Earth human storytelling.

I always say there's nothing dumber than a seventeen year old.

First stanza hot, with the German broken English.. as his learning the langauge and developing himself..

the catch up on the second where he meets her again, and gets caught up in demoralizing, flushing, probing and down right abusing her with the turmoil his horded for this lost beauty queen.. was huge - kinda like you can see his German fade out but his been Americanized with the broken streets of (wherever)

:)

Oh last line flip on the conclusion, as usual awesome..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nigma (Post 260360)

Make. Believe.

We were only seventeen! Both wild childs, but had good hearts
Our family lives have amplified the smiles we had bookedmarked
Solid opener. Solid multi's book mark/good heart etc.

I took to rye, she was more a Gewürztraminer wine girl
Bright as porcelaine diamonds, she was sure to shine up my world
Syllable count is off, and no idea how to pronounce
gewurztraminer...German wine no doubt?

We were forced to try and snort some lines as highschool soared on by us.
Our portrait was important, we conformed to hide in normal sight
soared on by us or on by us and hide in normal sight or
Normal sight....however it was intended....does not rhyme.

A chorus of adepts advise the forming of a mortal minded Mordecai
They said It’s time for an investment, spend in credit, it’s the best way!
I see normal sight/Mordecai rhyme(though odd place to do so)
Then best way doesn't rhyme with Mordecai but does rhyme with the next line
Best grades.....very weird scheming for text.

Just pay for education, pick a trade, obtain the best grades
The stress, it gave me chest pains, mind would wander where it shouldn’t
Syllable count is off.

I would ponder where they took him, why his sons life wasn’t looked at
Sometimes I’d find old books to read of father and his goodness
meh

Mom provides me with a bushel, and as eyes both stalk the pile
She confined one, said it’s gloomy and did not want me to look at it
Stalk the pile/look at it does not rhyme

Guess Dad was wild in his youth, it seems like all of us are crooked
But he glided up to Chief of the police before they took him
I suppose a little assonance could make this work.

Ratted by his own policemen, he was swallowed for a good rest
But was honored by his team and I responded quick with good sense
Meh not a fan....assonance or not.

Just like mice pursuing boots of cheese... I followed in his footsteps

. . .

Soon as I got off duty, just to swallow off the blues, I thought I’d call a hooker
Of all the slags to choose and send me, why’d the booker have to choose her..
Rhyming inner with end rhymes and then not having the
end rhymes rhyme....I'd say legit....dope...if I heard you
pull it off via microphone....but as text nah. Smh.

I described the bluish dress I had requested on the new girl
I’m Lieutenant. been accredited with excellence, the truths blurred
My blemish is embezzling percentages to screw girls
Deception in it’s method, yes unethical, but Lou serves them!
Tap, tap.. Finally! Race off to the door to find my maiden
She had huge curves, boobs firm, bet her juices mighty tasty
Her hat was slightly faded and it’s hiding sight from faces
Such nostalgia as she prowled, it’s the liveliness I’m craving
She said ‘Thousand for an hour’ price was high but I still paid it
To my amazement, as the hat tipped backwards and our eyes drew
I find the grace of my past chapter, lady love from back in highschool
As I go to make an action, grasp a thigh or maybe swipe her cooch
YOU BITCH! Its bad.. No sex for me, well SHIT, since I’m a cop, I’m screwed
She quickly flips a badge and then arrests me for soliciting a prostitute

I'm skipping to the end. The entire piece is off and on like that.
Bottom line is(in my personal preference and personal opinion)
End rhymes must rhyme. Inner can rhyme with other inner
And the end rhymes....but the end rhymes must still rhyme with other
end rhymes....
There ARE a couple exceptions if pulled off correctly...
But that is nor applicable here.
My two cents

This was weak to me. The ending felt really rushed and also a little anti-climactic/predictable. Some of the rhyme patterns were uber-forced:

I would ponder where they took him, why his sons life wasn’t looked at
Sometimes I’d find old books to read of father and his goodness
Mom provides me with a bushel, and as eyes both stalk the pile
She confined one, said it’s gloomy and did not want me to look at it
Guess Dad was wild in his youth, it seems like all of us are crooked
But he glided up to Chief of the police before they took him
Ratted by his own policemen, he was swallowed for a good rest
But was honored by his team and I responded quick with good sense
Just like mice pursuing boots of cheese... I followed in his footsteps
^You could've easily had much more variety of rhyme words than this.

You spent 20 minutes on this, tops. You did a decent job of comparing the son to his father and having it tie together at the end. Not feeling this one though, I've seen far better from you @Nigma.

Keep doing you