Netcees - AOWL Week 4: patrown (0-0) VS. ZeeDee (0-0) [ZEEDEE WINS, 5-1.]

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- - AOWL Week 4: patrown (0-0) VS. ZeeDee (0-0) [ZEEDEE WINS, 5-1.] (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=4401)

AOWL Week 4: patrown (0-0) VS. ZeeDee (0-0) [ZEEDEE WINS, 5-1.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due THURSDAY 3/7 at 11:59 PST.

Extensions are due FRIDAY 3/8 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You MUST check in.

You must vote on at least 3 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

TOPIC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A17LvIwBlJI

Good luck to both participants. @patrown @ZeeDee

Check. Nice beat, nujabes' on point. Good luck zeedee.

I'm here. Interesting topic choice.... gluck

Battle Cries of Crimson Blood

Chorus

The samauri battle cry is a mastermind's weapon
With a savage side that has to fight in pass the night sessons
Slashing skies mapped in time just for an astro-light pressence
Stabbing minds til they relax and die with the afterlife brethren

His immortal talents have restored the balance of Hell on Earth
Every force of malice is a course to challenge and impale in dirt
With blood in his eyes, nothing's disguised... there's trouble to find
Tetsuo stepped with extra blows; running with pride

His first mission was fierce, he kicked it gear with kicks to their ears
Lifting their peers with a sword he swiftly shifted and pierced
He rendered a tear with a shout to alarm his first strike
Then crimson appeared within seconds and arms dispersed sliced
His veins had turned ice on this dark dojo of violence
Who all worshipped his highness, Yoshumoto - The Tryant
Tetsuo's 5'6 all against 6 ft monsters with skills
So he cut one in half and used his top as a shield
Blocking their steel was a shock that revealed their deepest weakness
Their legs are overexposed in their pose so he chose to sweep their secret
Spinning his blade like a fan, Tetsuo engaged their ankles up
Then unattached legs start to dance on a stage paved in blood
The 1st line of defense is a joke, just to get the attention of folks
Dismissing some souls of minions they mold should really get them provoked

Chorus

He senses the elders and rebegins his blade spinning propellers
As they spit poison darts, but his defense is too stellar
They attack in circle formations with callapsing windstorms they keep making
Trying to blow him, literally while throwing guillatene horns, hat adjacent
But Tet's dodging it all, with counter measures to lock up this brawl
And stop these old dogs with no new tricks, just a lot of smoke fog
But he bypasses that and hit this basturd in the back of his head
And he flew into the other men and lied flat cuz he's dead
The others try to get up, but old age is applied to their butt
Weighing them down so he puts his blade through their mouth and sliced to their guts
United they stood, but he knew how to divide them all up
They couldn't fight so they're fucked... using magic acts to hide's not enough

Now it's time for the tough... Yoshumoto approaches
Holding a golden spear, he appears like a 7 ft roach, but he's swollen
With more skills and techniques than the others possess
Tetsuo puts this one to the test and see if he'll come with his best
Grabbing his smaller sword from side, ready to give what it takes
Running in forms with some strides, steadily whipping both blades
Yushomoto struck, his spear shifts while he holds it up
Tetsuo blocks with big blade and uses the little one for going nuts
He quickly stabs, then applies some kicks and jabs
But Yoshu hits him back; gives a slap but neither hit the matt
Tetsuo's thinking, "Did this bitch just smack me like I'm the bitch?"
Slightly impressed, but highly upset and is attacking as wild as it gets
Combination blows, one blade scrapes his nose, the other cuts eight yoked toes
Yoshumoto's weapon has no close range lessons to make him fold
One swift double chop holding both because his neck is muscled up
He kicks his eyes first, then swings with so much force, he busts a nut
Giving his battle cry as Yoshu's head pivots passing by him
His wrath has died along with his school of assface giants

Chorus

on a small piece of land they lived most their lives
gave life to the sky naming shapes passing by
fished on a lake they could see from their porch
each grew from the land, life was simple of course
parents knew about war but would rather die peaceful
to them the armed men seemed like good people
never knew about evil til the ground seizured
giving birth to shallow graves and foul creatures
packs of dogs left as bands of thieves came
so they hid under floorboards clutching keepsakes
when the rats had all been eaten for food
they left a long time after needing to move
grew up with one another seeking mom and dad
taking turns being strong let each long for the past
when the sun didn't bleed breathing wasn't a task
the greed of man leaves innocence fleeing its wrath

[url]http://artofbattling.com/forum/showthread.php?4643-AOWL-CHAMPIONSHIP-MATCH-pohfig-(3-0)-VS-Frank-(3-0)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES&p=26310&posted=1#post26310 [/url ]

[url] http://artofbattling.com/forum/showthread.php?4638-AOWL-Week-4-Red-glare-(1-1)-VS-Innovator-(2-1)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES&p=26331&posted=1#post26331 [/url ]

[url] http://artofbattling.com/forum/showthread.php?4642-AOWL-1-CONTENDER-MATCH-zygote-(2-0)-VS-Genocide-(2-1)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES&p=26356#post26356 [/url ]

ZeeDee:
That first stanza was sick. And then it slowed a little (which isn't bad) but then the rhyming began to feel a bit forced...
ex:

Quote:

His first mission was fierce, he kicked it gear with kicks to their ears

I can see what you were trying to do.. but it would have been much better if you didn't try to overdo the rhyming by forcing "gear" in there. I'm not even quite sure what "kicked it gear" means...
This was a recurring theme in the piece, where it felt like you were more than willing to sacrifice better wording or clarity for the sake of another rhyme..
Some parts of the verse were pretty funny

Quote:

Tetsuo's thinking, "Did this bitch just smack me like I'm the bitch?"
Slightly impressed, but highly upset and is attacking as wild as it gets

... who gets impressed when someone bitch slaps them? haha...
The story was enjoyable and read like a old school cheese samurai movie.. Improvements in your wording and being more selective on when to rhyme would do wonders for you imo..

patrown:
This verse seemed a bit lacking to me.. in terms of how much you could have done with the subject you chose.. and what you actually did.. I liked how you began your verse.. but it really started coming undone a bit as you introduced the rats. It felt rushed, like you were too busy or didn't put in the time to really elaborate and lure us into the story you were sharing..

Vote: This one would go to ZeeGee. Overall, he just had the better piece this week. Pat, I know you're capable of much better though

Vote - Patrown

Heres why; the line limit is 48 lines maximum. NOW, this isn't enough justification some would say. And I would agree. So what 54 lines? Who cares? Let it fly. And I would normally agree. If a topical is sketched out in a systematic style, that's obvious to the reader. The reader can understand why the extra lines may be necessary to complete the story. Here I don't see any real direction, just imagination running wild. I thought the opening couplet was your best segment. Finely tuned. I saw the word "chorus" but didn't catch one on the track? Verse this extensive needs time slots; ;12 2;34 3;10 etc etc. Also - ass faced giants? Is that what I read 60 lines for? Indie kung fu flick. 3 out of 5 stars ***
Patrown...You ever heard the term 'less is more' that could describe your writing to this beat. It was easy to give this rhyme emphasis because of the simpler approach. It allowed the reader to create their own sadness to it. Read simple like huckle berry finn. Had a hitch hiker humbleness appeal to it.

Moderators may be lenient, up to them and what they decide.

Everyone's sleeping on this battle..

ZeeDee. Lol is this Cormier? That verse was sick.. You painted a dope atmosphere right off the bat, and this helped your long story hold together... Also matched the verse really well.the structure and the scheming were ace.. The story really shone through. I can't quote lines, but the first verse and chorus were insane. Stronger multis and inners and polished flow in general would have made this verse an absolute killer

Patrown. This verse was cool... I enjoyed the perspective and choice to not have a character at all, and the vocab was idyllic and simplistic like a tale of ancient times would be. It ended way too quickly, and really doesn't compete with the epic plot ZeeDee drew up considering he didnt slip up badly anywhere

v/ ZD

I guess I did go over the line limit, but I also posted first and gave him an extension.... which I didn't have to do... but whatev

Zeedee, that was nice!! You had a good concept and really executed it well. Overall the verse read nicely and smoothly compliments to your flow and rhyme scheme. I dont have anything bad to say about your drop tbh.
Patrown, hmm your stuff seemed too simple for me. I mean its not always bad to have something short but you gotta really work with it to make sure you get your point across and execute it well enough, in this case i thought you just missed on that...

I'm giving this to ZeeDee for having the superior verse v/ ZeeDee

personally I thought this battle was lop sided. Here is why.

ZD - you came proper on this verse. Multies and flow were great and you painted such a vivid picture. Nice multies throughout - clever and original. The story progressed nicely. Reminded me of the book Shogun. Very nicely done an entertaining read.

Patrown - you came nice on this. A simple yet easy to read flow was nice to follow. cut to the chase on this verse, nicely done. However I don't think the content and wording was enough to take down ZD on this one.

ZD's verse was long and detailed with multies wordplay flow. etc. although some lines were too long so the flow chopped a bit but overall his verse had more elements to it. Vote goes to ZD

Z had a well thought out verse, he used his mechanics well to create a pretty good verse. The flow kept me reading, you used your multies effectively to propel your lines towards the end rhymes. It was an enjoyable read. Pat, you have a good base, you just need to make your verses a bit more diverse. Add some content into your lines, and make people think about what is coming next. I don't like how you cut it short, you could have made it a little more diverse, and longer. Immerse the reader in your story, I assure you that they will thank you.

V/ ZD he just came correct.