Netcees - Mistreated

I've been walking around much different than you all
As my god looks down indifferent to my run into a fall
The fun has come to a stall as I hunch over and bawl
I'm tired of being ran over by the family members involved

>>okay, these two bars were a little sloppy in my opinion. The wording mades them awkward, even though the concepts were solid. As in, your "train of thought" is fine and natural, each line has a logical connection to the ones before it, but the semantics are clumsy.

For starters, you have some concurrent wordplay. You're walking around, saying you're different (presumably on a higher level/ on the clouds) and that you're experiencing a sort of fall from grace because you have lost steam. The "come to a stall" is a good connection and turn of phrase.

Semantics. The second line doesn't make sense grammatically, you need another verb to use "into" like that. You could say "that's become a fall". Obviously English is a very eclectic language that you can generally bend to say whatever you want, and it will still make sense. Poetic license. I know what you're saying. But it isn't fluid, you don't pull it off. Furthermore, it doesn't seem like it is done to complete or force a rhyme.

Bringing me to mechanics. There are no 'perfect multis' so far. You got 4 end rhymes, two internals, and some repeated vowel sounds/ alliteration w/e stuff. You don't have to have perfect multis. I like slants better, a lot of the time- or even just half-rhymes. But the flow, or meter, or pattern of stressed syllables mismatch and clash wicked hard. You have "different than you all" and "indifferent to my run into a fall"... you rhyme different with indifferent, and fall with all, and then pack some rushed syllables between. It's irregular. You end up with what feels like a failed multi

On that note, you have "than you all/ run into a fall/ come to a stall/ over and bawl/ members involved" which are all mismatched in terms of syllables. I try not to nitpick that sort of thing, but again, they are all so close to rhyming and packed together, but not a single one is QUITE there that... just feels super sloppy.

No names to hammer to the wall, they know who they are
Words are like arrows flung into the heart, rip it a part

>> "hammer to the wall" is questionable. like is that a thing? sounds like ur hanging paintings bro. I get that it is like... etch in stone, engrave in history. You could've picked a different phrase that means 'memorialize', maybe one that is commonly used OR rhymes well with one of your sections up above. Since you are, still, carrying that single syllable rhyme.

Into the heart, rip it apart is good imo. Kendrick-y rhyme. BUT. You are taling about other people... and how they don't deserve to be remembered... then you are talking about, words ripping your heart apart. I know. Ripping a heart apart is grisly doe.

But. The first thing I thought when reading that was like... dude is not framing and hanging up any topicals, and "they know who they are"... I guess they wronged him/ crossed him... and words are like... Cupid arrows... or, deadly murder arrows... that tore him apart??

It's because of the connotation of "hammering something to the wall" instead of say, etching in stone, and also the idea that "shot in the heart" means love...those combined, unfortunately, seem to make u seem either gay or butthurt or both. Unfortunate phrase choices.

Down play my sickness and embrace the wicked you got
Addicted to inflicting misery on me, scissoring memories
Mentally I bleed the chemistry we once had has deceased
It was replaced by a disease called the blood line enemies

>> lol ok. "Wicked you got" was a tight follow-up on "rip it apart". Unfortunately. Agian. REALLY. UNFORUTNATELY. Your choice of phrases here is awkward brah.

So before, you were possbily talking about

1) you murdering niggas thru the heart because you are superior and they KNOW doe they won't be rememberered as glorious warriors on the cave wall (with some shaky wording)

2) niggas ripping ur soul apart because their words stung and THEY KNOW what they did and ur tearing down what they put up in the past.

Okay. First eight bars, you was speaking in the 1st person, ya? About like. Your experiences. You're not really preaching, you're hyping yourself. So you say. "Downplay my sickness and embrace the wicked you got." i honestly do not know what that is intended to mean, the second part.

What I gather that you were trying to say is that you are insidious and then being like "psst be evil bro".

Scissoring memories. I'm going to advise you right now. Do not use the word scissoring. It is never. Ever. Good.

There is one thing that means outside of, literally, cutting paper with scissors... and I doubt you're lesbian.

I know, I know. Anyways, still mechanically unsound, and the last bar has awful delivery IMO. The lines don't really make sense, the concepts kinda do. I see the connection. You're better than this.

I've untied my tongue and unleashed the anger I've built up
The ammunition can is filled up with reality, yeah the real stuff

>> Jesus dude. Scissoring. Untied your tongue. No.

Still no solid multis. Didn't like "ammunition can filled up with reality, yeah the real stuff". You haven't talked about any rapppers w/ personals, it's redundant, and is clunky.

You can beat me down, increase the rounds, I always heal up.
I'm here to give you a taste of ya own medicine and take reign
Of your spirit and kill it like you did me in the haze of concealment

>> last two lines were arguably the best in the verse. First one, didn't like at all. This started off as a flex. You should focus a lot less on "revenge". You weakened the impact of everything by including "taste of ya own medicine", like you're saying they already ethered your soul. Not a good look.

I crave revenge and fulfilling from within, it pays to be willing
Am I crazy? The villain? The good guy justified for how I'm feeling?

>> these schemes did not bleed together fluidly, 'fulfilling from within' sorta set you up for failure in that regard. Conceptually, decent but cliche. Bad guy revenge, good guy justice. Kk, b.

I suppose you can take notes and make your own judgement
Either way I don't care, I'm not here to declare myself nothing
I'm no role model to marvel at, I just give back what's been given
If you wanna stay out of the list of this little written and be forgiven

>> still sloppy mechanically. Concepts. Okay. Still seem like you're repeating how you got ethered "give back whats been given" and have ethered everyone else (either, through this drop or a past diss) and are now calling for a truce.

Saying if you wanna stay out of this list, to back off.

It takes two to resolve the beef we've been spending our time on
If your in you can believe that I'm on the same page and line drawn
I'm on the same side your on, so let's get to work and combine strong

>> Marvel/ line drawn/ comic book/ hero villain, recognize.

Combine strong. Bad.

Same side you're on. Super corny way to end the diss. Doesn't follow from the rest of what you just laboriously painted and also you just called a lot of people out, without naming names. Seems non-confrontational.

###################################

Okay, in your other piece you mentioned how you weren't bottom tier and at least mid-tier.... for now. And that you were developing wit. And that your schemes, multis, and flow were all at the acceptable level.

okay.

Conceptually. You are more or less sound, as in you have connections between bars and I know what you are saying. Skimming through this drop... the Marvel and hero/ villains wordplay is probably the best thing you had, very subtle, but it was enjoyable. Most flexes and swag pieces tend to use Battle Structure Lite, as in they're broken into bars, use concepts, wordplay.. or just have lots of braggadocio and cool imagery.

In those terms, I would call this drop subpar. Your ideas and turns of phrase felt unnatural- even more so- contrived. A lot of the things you were saying, were not things that were normally said. Not like they were abstract or out there, but like you took an everyday idiom and then converted it into an English as a second language translation. There wasn't much bragging. There was in the beginning, which is why this feed was so negatively skewed. In terms of making yourself seem dope or cool, most of your concepts and their connections worked against you, heavily. I tried not to focus on that.

There was a lot of talk about how everyone else was mean and bent on hurting you. As well as some implication that you threw it right back...

... bringing up the fact that you haven't, really. You haven't written a murderous ill nik-a site diss. This wasn't strongly worded, you don't have a history of naming names. I only mention it, because this is one reason I would place you in lower mid-tier. Back up what you say/ let your reputation precede you.

Schemes and flow. Okay, I remember reading (and liking) a handful of your pieces on NC's 1.0. They have a very audio type-feel. I understand. I said one rhyme sounded like Kendrick. On paper, his shit doesnt flow either, but it does really well when spoken because he sort of bends and cuts his schemes around sentences in a cool way.

This rhymed, it was sufficient. It didn't wow in terms of mechanics like a Vulgar or Dull Boy verse would. No strong multis. I think to be considered good in text, something which you alluded to as a goal of yours, you do have to subscribe to the overly strict rhyming stigmas. Like. Rhyme more, rhyme better, flow a lot more.

Semantics. This was by far the weakest part of your verse. In fact, this being weak pulls down a LOT on the other categories, even.

There were many places where you could have said something better and simply didn't. Your word choice was okay, not too vocabby. But you often resorted to phrases that don't have a meaning in modern English, didn't quite GIVE them meaning, and on top of that, they usually broke up your rhyme in a weird way.

Perhaps it is rust, it's usually rust. But when you use questionable phrases like "hammer to the wall" or "scissoring memories", readers will use context to figure out what's going on of find a subliminal message... if everything around it is clear in meaning or direct, it can mean the difference between it seeming dope and it seeming suspect as fuck.

You need to pay a lot more attention to detail. A lot more places where everything is solid, tight. Think about Black D, Vulgar, Zygote... it is pretty hard to MISunderstand what they are saying, because their semantics and style are so locked down.

To summarize. Focus on fluidity and tightness. Keep your schemes fresher, don't dawdle on a rhyme. Either use more regular language, or spend more time eliminating room for misinterpretation, because there were a lot of negative/ unintended meanings that could be derived from your semantics. Edit, edit, edit. Be less passive, more aggressive. Be showier.

Find a niche... you tend to straddle the line between vent pieces, horrocore (unless that is EndSane), flexes, and topicals without any focus or specialty... try to pick one and work it until it is well-regarded... then you will move up in tiers. PLEASE. NOT. HORRORCORE.

Anyways. I tried to be in-depth as I could. You deserve it, you catch hate for no reason. Mention or PM with comments or questions.

No hate, obviously, I thought you were slept on heavily on Netcees 1, and you have- as you said- put in the time and effort to not be terrible, you just need to utilize that and take a more active approach to elevating. Imo. This/ recent stuff has been not good. But you have it in you.

Appreciate the love you showed me early on.

Keep keyin