Reality of Language
 

http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=40112

Dip n diving power lines; motion's illustrative fixture.
Fixated. Rear window view. Curator of rhythmic strives.
Ecliptic climbs. Trite systems or glimpse divine.
The mystic glisten of a strained glint. The crippled sight.
Eyes bite at the beholders slight twitch.
Did the devil curve his spine
with a better birth in mind?
Light switches; seems the sepulchre is white.
Photon Shepards sift through wide spectrums in delight.
Receptor type efforts and the messenger alike,
then what's left over... well, you can frame that as you'd like...

Microclausem. Dew embedded webs glimmer idle.
Gossamer sonnets rocketed hypersonic. Spurned style.
Wildly slung. Im finely tucked in a pocket.
Then tightly clung writing's rungs. Climbing up to an object.
Sought a wondrous finding. Inside me, lightning struck lightly plucked.
The rise was inspiring.
I forgot where I was.

It didn't matter

You ol poet you

"Did the devil curve his spine
with a better birth in mind?"

"Photon Shepards sift through wide spectrums in delight.
Receptor type efforts and the messenger alike,
then what's left over... well, you can frame that as you'd like..."

Althought photon shepards was fucked out, to me. Otherwise, dope.

"Im finely tucked in a pocket."

"Then tightly clung writing's rungs. Climbing up to an object.
Sought a wondrous finding. Inside me, lightning struck lightly plucked.
The rise was inspiring.
I forgot where I was."

I liked those.

You read like a streamlined, poetic, and slightly less verbose Split Eight. You may have been writing before him, I don't know the timeline. When you drop the vocab-pants and write an affecting thought you're at your best, in my opinion. Then again, I find words with more than four syllables scary. But you really do know how to couch a phrase or idea in this format when you're not trying to be too complex. I enjoyed this, although I think some of the denser sections could have cleaned up a bit. The spots I highlighted may not have stood out so much to me without the aforementioned denser parts, though, so who knows.

Uuuup
Ill rtf

You in a dysfunctional relationship nigga

I kill that bitch

That's whats up. Don't go to prison though.

But this was good. I see what Cake was saying that this was sorta like Split's style with big ass words that no one understands. That was excellent though. The rhyming to me felt that it could have been a little more impressive but nonetheless it moved the piece at the right pace. Nice work. We should finally collab though since we were supposed to like five months ago and neither of us wrote anything lol.

Light switches; seems the sepulchre is white.
Photon Shepards sift through wide spectrums in delight.
Receptor type efforts and the messenger alike,
then what's left over... well, you can frame that as you'd like...

^^Chea.

What's around what I quoted is tight, especially vocab wise... You had some nice multies in here and imagery imo was also a stand out.Good shit man.

Stay upwards.

Receptor type efforts and the messenger alike,
then what's left over... well, you can frame that as you'd like…

clearly your most impactful line in this work.

i have not read anything from you before fig only laughed at your comments in disc so i do not have context in which to frame this verse relative to your body of writing.

it was cool. from what i could tell it seemed like more of a mental exercise than anything too focal. to that end, i had fun reading it. some great imagery and demonstrative of a greater imagination.

idk if you're in the upcoming tourney or not but I'm really looking forward to reading what you come up with in response to a designated topic.

thanks



1

I'm not sure I can pull of a Fig translation here. This verse was less focused and less polished than "Language of Reality," and I'm not sure there was a thesis driving this. There's nothing wrong with that. The lack of formality can be a boon, and sometimes you showed that here.

You're announcing to us right away with with the "n" instead of "and" that this verse is less polished. I liked this opening part, the idea of being a small child sitting in the backseat and watching power lines go by on a long drive on an empty road.

The glint isn't all that's strained here. You sometimes seem to want to try new words out in these types of sections. "Strives" cannot be a noun. As for the description of the Sun, at best, it was overwrought, but I'm not even sure it made sense. You show such capacity for writing when you cut the bullshit that these sections are frustrating to me, as the reader.

You found it. I wasn't surprised to see most people quoting something from this section. It was the best in the verse by far, a good use of deeper vocabulary complementing rather than dominating the point of the verse. Plus the rhymes were good and flow was smooth here.

Parody? The use of "gossamer" made me think so. This was not very good, parody or otherwise. Everything about it seemed out of place.

"Sought a wondrous finding" was clunky, but the rest of this was good. I would have preferred "Then" turn to "I" or "I've" just to make the verb and predicate match. But I liked the idea of the last three lines a lot, reaching where you're going only to forget why you went.