Netcees - Tommy da Gawd (pt 1)

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Tommy da Gawd (pt 1)

It seemed to be just another regular day at the office
Taylor clicked in on line one., "Tom, you'll be late for the conference,
Greg's impatient's is monstrous, so you'd better get going
All our asses are on the line so it's best to make a good showing."
Everyone was there and settled in, Kevin, Nathan and Zoey
Sarah, Jason, and Joey, Samantha, even that lazy bitch Chloe
As tom quickly grabbed his suit jacket, he bolted down the stairs to the basement,
took a golf cart down the concrete corridor following a lighting cable, corroding in places.
As the lights flickered, he could see the ceiling sweat, forming condensation
Coulda been from the a/c that hang's one floor up and adjacent..
or the road above, rain would sometimes seep through the pavement.
On this very rare occasion he was more than twenty five minutes late
Tom was on the phone with the court, and of course time started slipping away
You see they were ordered this case pertaining to recent terror attacks
So they'd delve deep beneath the surface where their purpose was a delicate task
The job was simple, catch as many torrorists as they possibly can
And ill be damned if he wasn't the very best at his job
Around the Department Of Defence they called him "Tommy Da Gawd"

...The look on Greg's face was odd, like nothing Tom encountered before
As Greg stood in a plain white room with no fancy or outstanding decore
He was shouting "I demand more from you pathetic, lazy bastards"
this crazy vein would pop out his neck the more rage he gathered
Tom knocked softly as he peaked around the corner of the door
And seen Greg steaming red from his head to the floor
He said "are you testing me tom, where the fuck have you been?
I've been waiting six months on this case you better present me a win."
Tom said "believe me I'm doing the very best that I can
But how do you expect me to do this with no questions in hand,
I have no leads, no intel, plus we've decoded hidden messages
Put aside this petty preducide and lets put together a plan.
Greg was still fuming, with this looming look of aggression
As he threw down this book that seemed to be consuming his essence
in bold print the Title read, "classified information".
Passer-bys at the station could sense the growing hostility
the whole facility grew silent despite the violent situation.
Greg said "you want a better look Tom? I've already booked you a flight."
Less than an hour later Tom packed his suitcase with fright
in his eyes was terror, followed by a tinge of exitement
As a look of enticement perused through his eyelids...

Dude this is some fire.
Descriptive and very very smooth mechanics.
One of the better reads from you.
Dope

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Write (Post 236737)

It seemed to be just another regular day at the office
Taylor clicked in on line one., "Tom, you'll be late for the conference,
↑Im assuming the emphasis on the vowl sound is what makes this work.
I like it. I do that a lot my self.

Greg's impatient's is monstrous, so you'd better get going
All our asses are on the line so it's best to make a good showing."
↑My only qualm here is you used on line one previously
And now you're using on the line shortly later. While not
the same wording its close enough that I would have found
a different way of wording it. All in all a very minor thing. Mainly me just
nitpicking.

Everyone was there and settled in, Kevin, Nathan and Zoey
Sarah, Jason, and Joey, Samantha, even that lazy bitch Chloe
↑I guess I'm weird....but I loved this. Dope.

As tom quickly grabbed his suit jacket, he bolted down the stairs to the basement,
took a golf cart down the concrete corridor following a lighting cable, corroding in places.
As the lights flickered, he could see the ceiling sweat, forming condensation
Coulda been from the a/c that hang's one floor up and adjacent..
or the road above, rain would sometimes seep through the pavement.
↑On the technical side of things this is bonkers. Nice.

On this very rare occasion he was more than twenty five minutes late
Tom was on the phone with the court, and of course time started slipping away
You see they were ordered this case pertaining to recent terror attacks
So they'd delve deep beneath the surface where their purpose was a delicate task
The job was simple, catch as many torrorists as they possibly can
And ill be damned if he wasn't the very best at his job
Around the Department Of Defence they called him "Tommy Da Gawd"

...The look on Greg's face was odd, like nothing Tom encountered before
As Greg stood in a plain white room with no fancy or outstanding decore
He was shouting "I demand more from you pathetic, lazy bastards"
this crazy vein would pop out his neck the more rage he gathered
Tom knocked softly as he peaked around the corner of the door
And seen Greg steaming red from his head to the floor
He said "are you testing me tom, where the fuck have you been?
I've been waiting six months on this case you better present me a win."
Tom said "believe me I'm doing the very best that I can
But how do you expect me to do this with no questions in hand,
I have no leads, no intel, plus we've decoded hidden messages
Put aside this petty preducide and lets put together a plan.
Greg was still fuming, with this looming look of aggression
As he threw down this book that seemed to be consuming his essence
in bold print the Title read, "classified information".
Passer-bys at the station could sense the growing hostility
the whole facility grew silent despite the violent situation.
Greg said "you want a better look Tom? I've already booked you a flight."
Less than an hour later Tom packed his suitcase with fright
in his eyes was terror, followed by a tinge of exitement
As a look of enticement perused through his eyelids...

Well all of this was pretty fluid...
But I commented on the parts that stood out to me most.

You should find a way to part 2 this defly

The way you expand on such weird and regular topics for the common man is sort of cool. I read this thoroughly. You have a grasp on writing. It'll be genuinely intriguing watching you grow as a writer through the years, (if you seriously keep at it).

Chea this is some dope shit...imagery is pretty ill, love how you so descriptive but don't fuck up the flow even though you cram so much in.I'm not gonna quote anythin' as I felt it all but probably thru the middle you started to catch fire and all lol.

Tight ass read man,
Stay uppity.

@Just Write where the fuck have you been man?

This was some dope shit like always. You're strongest suit has always been to me your ability to capture emotions effortlessly, and you did that again. The humor was there (that lazy bitch Chloe, is she single?) and the anxiousness of the situation. It was also very good use of descriptive language as I could see everything in my head as I read it. Very nice.

You are one of my favorite reads because you flash me back to the way a lot of people wrote back in 2003 or so. And that's not an insult at all. Topical writing was at its peak popularity in that era, so the competition was strong, and people like Mac Flow and Jowelz thrived with a style similar to yours. But the flipside is that today's writers are a bit more polished, succinct and complex. While I don't think you need to change your style at all, developing your rhyme schemes to be a little less predictable and tightening your phrasing could make you unstoppable.

Quote:

This was a solid bit of dialogue-as-storytelling. You gave Taylor a very clear personality and laid out the story a bit. I'd have cut "another" from the first line, as that was awkward. And maybe "so it's best to make a good showing" could have been "so please give us a good showing," also to smooth it out.

Quote:

Everyone was there and settled in, Kevin, Nathan and Zoey
Sarah, Jason, and Joey, Samantha, even that lazy bitch Chloe

Rhyming off names is lazy. If you rhyme off a single name, that's one thing and more acceptable. But to rhyme off three names is pretty obviously a ploy. Was Cody sick?

Quote:

As tom quickly grabbed his suit jacket, he bolted down the stairs to the basement,
took a golf cart down the concrete corridor following a lighting cable, corroding in places.
As the lights flickered, he could see the ceiling sweat, forming condensation
Coulda been from the a/c that hang's one floor up and adjacent..
or the road above, rain would sometimes seep through the pavement.

This was a very strong section. The second line is a little too long, but the detailed images gave a very clear image of this place being a sloppy mess for a business that seemed so formal and high-end. Knowing that we haven't had much clarity on what that business is, these types of lines make me want to read on to find out.

Quote:

lOn this very rare occasion he was more than twenty five minutes late
Tom was on the phone with the court, and of course time started slipping away
You see they were ordered this case pertaining to recent terror attacks
So they'd delve deep beneath the surface where their purpose was a delicate task
The job was simple, catch as many torrorists as they possibly can

A little exposition never hurt. This was fine and served its purpose.

Quote:

And ill be damned if he wasn't the very best at his job
Around the Department Of Defence they called him "Tommy Da Gawd"

I wasn't a fan of this, perhaps because I have a hard time believing the nickname.

Quote:

...The look on Greg's face was odd, like nothing Tom encountered before
As Greg stood in a plain white room with no fancy or outstanding decore
He was shouting "I demand more from you pathetic, lazy bastards"
this crazy vein would pop out his neck the more rage he gathered

Greg seems a bit like a cartoon boss, but it's difficult to humanize everyone in this format. A detail or two about him would have helped.

Quote:

Tom knocked softly as he peaked around the corner of the door
And seen Greg steaming red from his head to the floor
He said "are you testing me tom, where the fuck have you been?
I've been waiting six months on this case you better present me a win."
Tom said "believe me I'm doing the very best that I can
But how do you expect me to do this with no questions in hand,
I have no leads, no intel, plus we've decoded hidden messages
Put aside this petty preducide and lets put together a plan.

Spell-check is your friend, as is careful editing as you forgot the close quote. But anyway, this section again was a pretty good use of dialogue to move the plot. The words weren't as natural as speech should be ideally, but they weren't out of place or anything. And you got the holes in the case exposed pretty clearly and naturally.

Quote:

Greg was still fuming, with this looming look of aggression
As he threw down this book that seemed to be consuming his essence
in bold print the Title read, "classified information".
Passer-bys at the station could sense the growing hostility
the whole facility grew silent despite the violent situation.
Greg said "you want a better look Tom? I've already booked you a flight."
Less than an hour later Tom packed his suitcase with fright
in his eyes was terror, followed by a tinge of exitement
As a look of enticement perused through his eyelids...

Ahh, the cliffhanger ending. I'm looking forward to the second part, but more needs to happen in it. My complaint here is that not much went down, which is essential when writing something long. Still, this was good and could have been great with a bit of polish.

Im going to up this one time because im about to put out part 2