Netcees - lanvin

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- - lanvin (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=42157)

im the cause and effect the thought the neglect the fork in the road
that leads to the end of the dawn animal farms live large
fouler then howitzer bombs gamblers charm wrist flaunt shakles of gold
battle for souls malice with flow rattles the bow bends the arch
not grounded no more mince meat mini me enters the stars
we in the same boat play dough is whey though serpent and the rainbow
spiked your ice tea like urchin armor in turks and caicos volcano plato
ace tho stud producer cable guy humor draino drink straight drug seducer
leave your guts ruined lookin like tomato sauce and cheese papusas
red and white aminita mushroom sky trooper wine hue divine clues
hide in plain sight of the sine tune train track journeyer
loner from the start for the lonlier holier then thou thats holier
classic like polo ground fairs your clowns tears drown my sound surround bears
and beat them to the ground till they sound scared
deal with large shares pass the drugs they want theres
no love jus loyalty no honesty cause honestly the truth hurts
and i rather keep you in fools bliss then hit you with a full verse

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenhal0 (Post 236687)

im the cause and effect the thought the neglect the fork in the road
that leads to the end of the dawn animal farms live large
fouler then howitzer bombs gamblers charm wrist flaunt shakles of gold
After a couple reads I understood how this is meant to be flowed.
However Imho the way you did it is risky for text. Either readers will catch it
and find it to be dope(like me) or fail to see it and fumble over flow.
Food for thought.

battle for souls malice with flow rattles the bow bends the arch
not grounded no more mince meat mini me enters the stars
↑Good schemes. I do think you should do more to emphasize to the reader how this should be read....may that be adding periods...comma's....multiple dots when you take any longer than a 2 second pause etc.

we in the same boat play dough is whey though serpent and the rainbow
spiked your ice tea like urchin armor in turks and caicos volcano plato
ace tho stud producer cable guy humor draino drink straight drug seducer
leave your guts ruined lookin like tomato sauce and cheese papusas
red and white aminita mushroom sky trooper wine hue divine clues
hide in plain sight of the sine tune train track journeyer
loner from the start for the lonlier holier then thou thats holier
classic like polo ground fairs your clowns tears drown my sound surround bears
and beat them to the ground till they sound scared
deal with large shares pass the drugs they want theres
no love jus loyalty no honesty cause honestly the truth hurts
and i rather keep you in fools bliss then hit you with a full verse

The content is avarage. I think it would help you to be a little more cohesive in you're thought process..
You're scheming(the way I'm reading it) reminds me very much of mmlp2 lol. So that's dope.
I see massive potential here. Keep scribing bro.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Natural (Post 236702)

Lol pls stop

thanks everyone natural i ex[lain this all the time lol i dont know how to punctuate form correct sentences word paragraphs correct or structure verses in the typical pattern i write on a 3rd grade level its un natural in a text scheme sense but i do it for me

lol @ you're/your mess ups. redeemable. Some of this just read a little off to me. The part about urchin armor volcano just completely just.. idk. It was almost like where a teacher starts talking about random stuff to see if you're listening. And that's what I thought this was during the middle parts. The opening line was cool. I thought you were going to go like that throughout the whole verse, but you didn't, but it's fine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenhal0 (Post 237412)

thanks everyone natural i explain this all the time lol i dont know how to punctuate form correct sentences word paragraphs correct or structure verses in the typical pattern i write on a 3rd grade level its un natural in a text scheme sense but i do it for me

Do you man.
I just gave my two cents. No doubt.