Wolf and the Cub
 

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Wolf and the Cub

Been indebted to the sevens since they blessed me with a heavily lit destiny
He sent me to be born with several blemished features, stories often said
That each who beckons these was meant to be Warrior, connect to reach immense achievements
Seen that I was taught by veteran weapon wielders, bested each by seventeen
Obscene impressive feats were easy since my thoughts and methods dwell supreme
The phantoms felt me forming, seen the course of war, the glory held before the prophet
And before the hellish deeds was born a cell-like carving of his swordsman father
Swore to God who forged a product torn and pious, grew to 5 and formed a bond
Befriend a fellow soldier, blood brothers with an open palm
A code earned in a cut and one we swore with honor
Mortals called him Jamakha with mastered art in both katanas
Four years onward, tragically, before my eyes, my father turned to corpse and died
Poisoned by an ordered rival, holding down the storm inside I mourned in silence
Onward we explored our lives, my friend and I, signed corporal fighters
Said that our performance strikes in war or fight were always scored the highest
Blend into the course of time, rewards are climbing high with me
Behind the scenes we orchestrated peace between the warring tribesman
But as the morning light absorbs the night, and warm horizons warn the skies
We bore a rise, the instant presence mortified my distant friendship
Two of us as kids were best friends, living legends, drenched in red to chant the vow
And now this hidden tension risks of threatening the hinges which we gripped a pledge to
Fed up friend then quit and left us, kinship severed, hid himself to build a vicious crowd
In the distant now, he hit me with a hidden pounce, winter chilled, they killed in shadows
To rebuild the count, laws rewritten, kids now given quivers and they lived on saddles
Teach them how to win with tactics, split up forces, trap the bitches, torch them, its sadistic warfare
Archers Order: Shoot out 3 or 4 so the opposing teams afraid and lost with even forces, sorta baffling
For the cavalry we tied a flaming log between our horses, driving deep into their core
We swipe their feet before we force the knife in, war with guile as a forth my riders flee the fight
Guiding enemies who leave to find them, die to the disguised men in the trees there hiding
After his defeat my rival flees, we found him when I seeked to find him, trapped, alive and pacified
They wrapped and tied him, bound him in a rack device for torture then we cracked his spine
Provided him with answers as to who's the packs lone master, acting reigning boss
Famous brain ingrained with thought, became courageous since the fatal loss which takes my father
Raising me, with grace I take the greatest honor, highest praised, they name me Genghis Khan

This was okay. Your use of language matched the lofty scope you wanted this to have and there were portions of this verse that indeed felt very feudal. Your flow and rhymes were a bit awkward at a handful of different points, though. The rhymes went from standard to off-kilter at a moments notice. The rhythm and schemes I was able to pick up were pretty good but overall this lacked the technical moment I enjoy in the best of open mics. I liked the audacity of this piece and it had a lot of good ideas strewn about but I think you needed to tighten the screws a little bit, if that makes sense. Keep writing.

ty for read and feed pancake. elevating this thread

I really like this type of flow from you:

"Swore to God who forged a product torn and pious, grew to 5 and formed a bond
Befriend a fellow soldier, blood brothers with an open palm
A code earned in a cut and one we swore with honor
Mortals called him Jamakha with mastered art in both katanas"

The rest of the verse verged on chaotic with content that managed to co-mingle at a moderate degree. I saw focus and rhyme scheme but not impact or relevance. I think you should capitalize on conquering all of those forces to make your pieces stronger as a whole. As a flow-for-sport verse, this was nice.

Keep doing you

Appreciate it Vulgar. This told the story of Genghis Khans earlier years and everything in the verse actually happened btw.