Netcees - .:: But I Digress ::.

Netcees (http://netcees.org/index.php)

- Open Mic Section (http://netcees.org/forumdisplay.php?f=6)

- - .:: But I Digress ::. (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=39038)

.:: But I Digress ::.

.:: But I Digress ::.

More symbolic than Christ on the cross;
I'm at a loss, the skin; I'm peeling it off.
To deal with this cough is demeaning and tough,
still not feeling it's worth concealing I'm soft.
Reavealing the cost leaves bills to be found,
the weight doesn't keep my feet on the ground.
A defeaning sound shy's me from listening,
disguise the prey's vision is missing conditioning.
Shrinks positioning expose cracks in the plans,
it's recieved as personal attacks on demand.
I believed in my fire 'til it stopped igniting this
pacifist with an iron fist fighting lies with bliss.
It struck me as lightning hits all over the dome,
and my old town seems to be closer to home.
A bold clown's exposure reign mind-benders throne,
this dog settles his bone writing offenders in stone.
The pretenders has grown to humanity's clone,
when insanity phones from a palace unknown
the malice is formed, come see Alice perform
in the rabbit hole where formalities swarm.

What an odd structure. This is fluent as in being consistent as more of a letter rather than separated pieces.

last two lines were cool

"Worth" and "tough" were rhyme stumbles that cut into the general reading flow as well as rap cadence. From "a deafening sound" to "dome," the diction was awkward. "My old town seems to be closer to home" was a great single line.

I like when you write more naturally.

Wise is right, the last two lines were nice. Your grammar was a little off in certain spots which threw off my read through. My overarching problem with this piece is I'm not entirely sure of the point. Seems like an introspective piece but there's no home base for me. Also, this piece seemed scheme/rhyme driven as opposed to content driven ('defeaning (sic) sound' 'all over the dome' for example) which hurts an introspective piece in my opinion. I liked the "and my old town seems to be closer to home" line. Nice bit of nostalgia, well written. That and the ending lines were the highlight to me.

Obj... you've gotta try two things: Write short stories and also read a lot of fiction. I feel like your style is still cramped by narrow rhyming capabilities. You are from Finland if I remember correctly, or was it Scandinavia? Sorry if you are offended that I forgot. I have trouble retaining information sometimes, you can call it short term memory or w/e.

the malice is formed, come see Alice perform
in the rabbit hole where formalities swarm.

^These lines were sick. Everyone liked them because they had an extra spark the rest of the verse didn't. You have to believe in the content you write. Rhyming should be secondary, as important as it is. Say something, don't rhyme something. Say something of significance. Just my two cents.

Keep doing you

Thanks a lot for the great feedback all. Appreciate it a lot!

@Vulgar: Hahaha, the fins are annoying as fuck 80% of the time, no offense taken though. I'm norwegian. Word about the fact that rhymes should be secondary, I've focused a lot on the rhymes lately as the issues with my writtens are often reversed. Some of my older works is examples of that. Thanks a lot for dropping some words on this, going to try to focus more on keeping it up in both aspects on my next drops.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Objective (Post 226538)

.:: But I Digress ::.

More symbolic than Christ on the cross;
I'm at a loss, the skin; I'm peeling it off.
To deal with this cough is demeaning and tough,
still not feeling it's worth concealing I'm soft.
Reavealing the cost leaves bills to be found,
the weight doesn't keep my feet on the ground.
↑Fuck everybody else. Imo the above is dope.
Can it be better? Always....but one must draw a line
Somewhere on nitpicking. I enjoyed it.

↓ this line through off the cadence(at least how I read it)
But picks right back up after wards.
A defeaning sound shy's me from listening,
disguise the prey's vision is missing conditioning.
Shrinks positioning expose cracks in the plans,
it's recieved as personal attacks on demand.
I believed in my fire 'til it stopped igniting this
pacifist with an iron fist fighting lies with bliss.
It struck me as lightning hits all over the dome,
and my old town seems to be closer to home.
A bold clown's exposure reign mind-benders throne,
this dog settles his bone writing offenders in stone.
The pretenders has grown to humanity's clone,
when insanity phones from a palace unknown
the malice is formed, come see Alice perform
in the rabbit hole where formalities swarm.

They are however correct that these last two lines
are significantly stronger.

Overall enjoyable

And never sacrafice rhyming for a story
If you take that advice you should write a novel
Become the next j.k. rowling
You gotta rhyme to rap and by my estimate
you're not too shabby.
Yes be eloquent with words and try to be cohesive in
plot....but if you take away rhymes its just a book.