deadman - a Means to an End
 

hey


brown eyes like sunrise in a nuclear sky
you taught cupid to fly. morning doves and roosters alike
beautiful sight: curvaceous movements under fuselage light
at a dinner, drink and movie ticket's usual price
loosen my tie, cuban delight - addictive as peruvian white
mid-life epiphanies that we're confusing for fights
crisis mode activated - let our memories flood
til those REDRUM scrawls are letters of love, measured in blood
crystal glaciers melt like teardrops in effeminate thugs
the hanging gardens burned. Nebuchadnezzar was hung
from the poppy trees we sing about with Western repose
you screamed, then hung the phone up. so i left you alone
wrong time, wrong decision. set in my ways
Midol by the bucketful. you're menstrual for days
medicine and yoga pants and visits to graves
not boredom. not remorse. not affection, per se
our love's a spectrum of gray. convalescent, depraved
people always ask me when we're getting engaged.
pressure to stay. pleasure and pain, you're wetter than rain
red velvet sheets. Marlboros as we walk to the train
sometime talk about our feelings. often refrain
cause your therapist gets paid to listen. dollars and change
pacifism, veiny wrists, provocative blades
black coffee on a snowy evening. simple and plain
be my queen, be my limousine - a means to an end
odd how one creates reality. yet people pretend
to be completely content. don't pay me a check
i want happiness and God. but i can't handle it yet..







- yours

I'm on my phone so I apologize if this is brief.

The first three lines picked up very quick with an excellent succession of rhymes. Very entertaining. The better lines of the entire piece were towards the end specifically the therapist lines. I did just wake and bake, but I think this could be seen as an expample of modern American life because seemingly everyone is in therapy and there's still a stigma or taboo about it. So while everyone is more "open" that pertains only to therapy and everywhere else people are closed off. I could be dead wrong, but that's what I took from it. Nicely done as always.

THE NEBUCHADNEZZAR


FUCKK YEAA

black coffee in the snow was a dope visual

Good, Black. I assume it's an autobiographical sketch about you and wifey, I mean you guys aren't in mid-life yet but w/e.

The first portion with the same rhyme scheme opened with the great imagery and wording that is your trademark. So your girl is Cuban?? Excellent...Don't know maybe you just said that to rhyme though, probably she is tho. The contradiction and CONFUSION inherent to human life always rings like a distinct bell in your pieces, but the pain caused by this is providential, because the more you suffer the deeper your understanding of life (zen buddhism), and lends you your own unique perspective on life. At times I feel your writing is a bit self-congratulatory in a way, like you want to be noticed for this deeper than average soul you possess, which actually is a virtue imo b/c it shows your lust for life in the midst of life's rollercoaster. On the flip side, you're being real and your pieces tend to scream "I am very grounded, I don't lie to myself, I am introspective and gain insights everywhere", which is probably true and good for your mental health. This next rhyme scheme interestingly continues the idea of atrophy in western society. You nicely contrast western repose with the "hanging gardens" which I think is one of the seven wonders of the world but regardless it obviously sounds too exotic to be considered western. Then immediately in the same line you mention "nebuchadnezzar was hung", indicating to me that yours is a will against the social, spiritual, and mental decay caused by various facets of Western societies, and I feel u on that bro. The next paints a picture of a darker type of relationship. What stood out to me here most is the word convalescent - I gleaned much from Nietzsche's "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" (his most hilarious and best work saturated with profundity) and applied it here. Your usage here is in my opinion imprecise, because yes you have probably suffered and gotten stronger for it, and the same probably goes for your girl's experience and your experience together, but right before - you paint this dreary image of your relationship. If you are truly a convalescent, why is this recurring sickness still in your relationship? Still a good section though broskie. On the last part - I'll echo what I said before and say that I admire your candor and groundedness in reality. You are cognizant of the fact that we create our own reality by forming plans and galvanizing into action, yet most people are either in denial or too indolent to do so. However, in some strange way I feel like you're in denial yourself. I'm not trying to be an armchair psychologist here, just the vibe I get off this. The end indicates to me that you are solid in yourself as a human, but not as solid as you want to be. You haven't been able to fully glorify that inner spark in you - i.e, you think you can be more solid than you are now, and better than you are now and you desperately are seeking that solidity. Perhaps you've imagined yourself a father and you're saying to yourself - I can be more solid of a creator - if I am more solid I can create something far beyond myself. Anyways as usual packed with profundity and a smooth read. Thanks.

Man. Everything you write is pretty dope.

nice multiples and flow. good wording as well. title deff grabbed my attention but the verse held on to it. nice job.

word appreciate the comments everybody especially @NYCSPITZ. convalescence. the healing process seems like a reoccurring theme lately. imprecise maybe but not untrue

Amazing feed. Props.

let our memories flood
til those REDRUM scrawls are letters of love, measured in blood
crystal glaciers melt like teardrops in effeminate thugs
the hanging gardens burned. Nebuchadnezzar was hung
^^dope^^
solid rhymes at every twist so far, btw.


from the poppy trees we sing about with Western repose
you screamed, then hung the phone up. so i left you alone
wrong time, wrong decision. set in my ways
>nice flip.



Midol by the bucketful. you're menstrual for days
medicine and yoga pants and visits to graves
not boredom. not remorse. not affection, per se
our love's a spectrum of gray. convalescent, depraved
people always ask me when we're getting engaged.
pressure to stay. pleasure and pain, you're wetter than rain
red velvet sheets. Marlboros as we walk to the train
>wow. killer imagery at the end.


I loved the harmonics of imagery thrown in there. Like, "pleasure and pain" mixed with "wetter than rain" at "red velvet sheets. Marlboros as we walk to the train" on at least four different levels...
... in terms of blood/ a bitter masochism, like walking out a smoke after a roll in the hay, smoking as a guilty vice, and then the synthesis of all those ideas at once.

much like in novels, sometimes a broken tree is just a broken tree, an image that piqued your interest... sometimes it denotes the tone, or it is a reflection of how the narrator is feeling, sometimes it is a symbol that isn't quite obvious. Your writing condenses many of these connections down to a minimal number of words... I feel like I could take twenty different highlighters and outline each connected concept or idea or emotion and how it segues into the next one


it's a very desirable quality to have, imo.


at the same time, you have bars or sections that are very localized. the black coffee/ snowy evening bit. these are refreshing, too.


this piece you did a great job of switching your pace and your focus a number of times while staying on track. having gotten acquainted with your canon to a small extent, i feel like i can appreciate each piece's composition.


Keep keyin.

lasties

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4UBr7PJf0I

This was a bit melancholy for you. As promised, this was a mesosphere observation deck over a spectrum of gray. The track above may be of interest to you concerning your mood while writing. Smoke in the chamber. Mind's eye on dial tone; a deviant in Stephen King suburbia with credit card debt and a judgmental mistress. Overall, it was nice writing, very opaque. Photographic, as you choose to be.

Keep doing you