Swag & Flow (Battle With Blanco)
 

I'm metaphorically a beast.
with a angry rage contained with pain in a daze my brains a force thats full of greed.
I fade away like David Blain once I engrave ur face in ways it makes it horrible to see.
I'm dishing out major payne like I'm Damon Wayans w/ a razor blade, for a cause I must achieve.
I beat the boss like Ethan Hawke in Training Day with basic state of order in the streets.
A change of pace is forcing u to pleed. You'll need the strength to face - ur oracle will seize.
Once it fades away the more you'll know it seems, that ur just a waste in space - like orbital debris.
I'm actually havin'..
the perfect day impersonating a person placed to earn the pay of - a prodigy, in mathematics.
While I'm being served a plate of bourbon flavored urban angus from a Turkish waitress - honestly, her ass the fattest.
Had u in a nervous state, yet I've turned away from the murder rate of worthless skanks I had to manage.
Now I'd rather capture, a burst of strength in this perfect place I first complained wasn't even half of average.
I'm turnin faces with this urge to rape a perfect asian w/ an act of malice.
& days'll tell, u couldn't save urself - if u were a virgin waiting after marriage.

& that was tragic, faggot.

Links
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21513
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=21393

PS - if u aren't planning on giving honest feedback and are someone like bags who downplays everything plz just do me a favor and don't leave any feed, thank u.

Shit was raw cous9n. Training day line killed it. Stay up whoadie.

Thanks v, appreciate the honest feed fam. U always been real wit me an I appreciate it man.

this upsets me.

i wanted to come here and feed like a page worth of verses.

i read this, first.

killed all impetus. what is the opposite of inspirae?

it's yours.

this upsets me.

Don't really understand why ur upset? But thanks for the feed

Can't I get some feed fellas? I dropped alot of feedback

My main complaint with this verse is there's no continuity in each line. It goes from I'm Damon Waynes (wayans btw) to being Ethan hawke. Idk man. I want to like this truly and I don't hate it but I didn't enjoy either. The point of a swag and flow verse is to bring yourself i.e make yourself seem better than the other person but it has to be done in a new creative way and what this was was basically a swag and flow verse with no swag and a generic flow. Find your own style and run with it and stop trying to do too much in each bar because it bogs down everything and becomes repetitive very quick. Change up the flow from time to time instead of recycling it over and over. That's my constructive criticism take it or leave it.

Thanks bro, much appreciated

You gave a lot of feedback and haven't received your fair share, so I'll try to make up for the slackers by giving you a thorough breakdown of this verse.

Overall, two simplified bits of feedback:
1. Your lines are way too long for you to only use end rhymes twice. Because of all the crammed internals, by the time we're back at the end rhyme, the previous line's end rhyme no longer even seems relevant. When the best swag-and-flow writers here use long lines, it's because they're building off those rhymes with the same or slightly twisted internal rhymes.
2. The cntent here didn't make sense. Yes, it's a swag and flow. But there wasn't much swag because so much of it seemed so loose and disconnected.

Stay away from words such as "metaphorically" or "figuratively" or "lyrically" because they're unnecessary. We all understand that you're speaking metaphorically. I don't care much about the punctuation used in these verses, but here it would have helped because I can't decide if you meant your "angry rage" was "in a daze" or your "brain" was "in a daze." A comma or period would have helped matters a lot. Either way, the second line has too much going on in it that doesn't really appeal or make much sense. It's very generic.

This is better but very formulaic. Three similes about famous people in a row make you seem like you have nothing more than vague comparisons to actors. The wording is a bit choppy, particularly around the end rhymes on the first two lines of this section. "In ways it makes it horrible to see" really was a stretch, and there are so many other ways to word that sentiment. I know some members were trashing the Damon Wayans line, but he does shave his head, which I think is what you were going for. The Ethan Hawke line probably had the most potential but was buried as the third in a row, taking away from its effectiveness.

You've built so many different images at this point that it's tough to grasp what exactly "it" means in "Once it fades away." Obviously, you're not telling a story with this verse, but more linear thinking and less throwing out whatever rhymes would help a lot. "Ur oracle will seize" was particularly out of place. I did like the finisher on the second line, though.

The rhymes were really strong here, though I don't understand (or like the wording on) the middle line.

Again, the rhymes stayed good. But I quoted this block to finish because for once you've managed to be somewhat lucid. This all sort of makes sense and fits in the context of a swag-and-flow verse, for whatever that's worth. So this was the best section by far.

Thanks bro, feed was much appreciated. I'll work on that.

I thought it had swag and fairly consistent flow ... would like to hear you talk yourself up more instead of being more on the dark side ... training day line was a standout take some of those negative stereotype and turn tjthem positive

Im Suboxone king, loaded gloves in a boxing ring, end of discussion my shits raw
Like and ox when I swing, the bell does it obnoxious ding now u in concussion withdrawal

not awful. some good concepts, but the scheme really got old by the second bar and wasnt that impressive to begin with. edit more, you have some ideas that were mad corny u could have cut (Damon Wayans) and some rhymes that could have been cleaner.

keep keyin

Damon Wayans was in a movie called Major Payne.... But thanks for the feed

@ frank that shit was dope lol