AOWL TAKEOVER TOURNAMENT FINALS MAGAZINE!!!!!! THIS ONE IS FOR ALL THE MARBLES, DOMINATE VS MMLP, CHECK US OUT NOW!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
 

@MMLP vs. @symetrik:

This battle was one with a little history, both combatants having climbed to (almost) the #1 spot of the AOWL - reaching the lofty heights of its Championship matches… but ultimately falling short at its final hurdle. I don’t believe either have ever won it. Symetrik, of course, managed to make it to The Topical Tournament 2024 Finals where he had a genuine shout at being crowned champion once more… only to be beaten by Etherwave in her maiden voyage of these pea green seas. MMLP has previous pedigree in the Black August II topical tournament, where he too fell short, falling victim to Inno in the finals match but has managed to exact some form of revenge by ousting Inno in the opening round here (albeit by Robranda vote, which I would much rather have not had to count). Which brings us to this clash between two of Netcees nearly men. Almost accomplishing something, but not quite. Falling short where it mattered most. I personally consider being a finalist at all an achievement, I’m of the opinion that a first, second and third place finish should be recognised with an accomplishment - though I’m also aware some here consider second place as tantamount to last. With neither of these guys having taken that final step required, yet both seemingly having reached their respective ceilings, this one makes for a very interesting matchup between two evenly matched competitors looking to challenge for a title once again. Let’s take a look into this one with more detail:

The topic itself to me was somewhat open in what could be done with it, there’s a lot of visual imagery to be toyed with and incorporated into a storyline by way of this apparent smoker - and drinker - with clear vices. Who is this figure, and what makes him tick? The opportunity for exploratory world building is there, by working not just directly to what is displayed in the image itself, but around it. The character having lost his head is surely a focal point of interest, some sort of action that has lead to that happening. I’ve mentioned before that conflict drives great stories, and the idea of this setting being some sort of bar definitely opens to the door to a bar fight or some kind being the conflict required. Perhaps the idea of could be that this is an off-duty fireman or similar - stopping by at a bar to describe the events he’s witnessed that night could work. The smell of the smoke persisting in his nostrils, him needing a stiff drinking after watching a child consumed by the flames, smoke filling up the room. Perhaps a step further as a twist and something wronged him that lead to him actually being the one that started the fire. He’s an arsonist. No one will suspect him though because he’s the fireman in his day job. He wouldn’t commit arson, would he? Just an idea. Anyway, enough from me, let’s see how you guys played this one…


*
Is battlefield one word instead of two? I believe it is. No big deal really, just a quick point I noticed when reading this back. I felt there should have perhaps been a comma after field, and maybe make the couplet one sentence rather than two. The scheme is there, with its internal and external rhymes, but I will say that I did feel the opening couplet felt a little disjointed. The two sentences – for me at least – didn’t really relate to each other and I’m already looking for more cohesion between the lines. I will say, however, the metre here is used well in these opening two lines and I imagine that will prove difficult to keep up (If you do decide to).

*
I wasn’t overly keen of this couplet, again there is a disconnect between those two lines in my opinion and the context seems to getting lost amongst the attempts to adhere to such a rigid scheme. It is a precarious balancing act, I know this and how difficult it can be, but your verse last round regarding the Octopus certainly seems more inspired than this particular piece so far. The final line here is your best so far, IMHO. I feel you’ve now set your stall out and this is where things really begin.

*
There’s perhaps a comma needed after God, and after support, but it’s a small thing really. It just makes the line read cleaner, the third line seems to increase in length slightly from the rest at this section. It’s crept up, I think due to the inclusion of ‘purposefully fall’ which adds several syllables seemingly unnecessarily at this section. I think with a little more time and care, you could have eliminated that and shortened this up. I can see why you did it, for the alternating internal/external scheme, but with that rhyme in particular it’s placed soooooooooooo far into the line that it is barely even noticeable. We have, what, six syllables before we get to that internal rhyme? It doesn’t sound a great deal, but when you read this back to yourself you’ll see that it is quite far into the line before the internal rhyme comes into play. You want to shorten that gap considerably to make it more noticeable. Perhaps get it as closely as you can to the one from the end rhyme in the line before. The rhyme placement is key here. It’s actually a pretty good example on why it’s so important, so worth highlighting not just for you but so that others can be made aware too.*
*
The opening line was a fun one, I enjoyed that. I actually felt this segment was where you started to really hit some form. Those before this seemed to be you feeling your way out somewhat, but I felt it wasn’t really clicking for you for whatever reason. Here it seems much more focused and attentive. The schemes were there, the lines short and crisp, its more free-flowing and rolls off the tongue easier when read aloud.*

The first line here is quite wordy, there’s a lot of syllables to that line when compared with others by you, but the mention of “6ft under the table” and “coffin” introduces to the reader that these vices are amounting to his death? At least that what’s I gauge from it. The smoking… the drinking… may appear fun right now in the moment, but the price he’ll pay for that will come further down the line.*


If I can be honest here, I feel like you’re trying too much with the adherence to your rhyme scheme and it’s hurting the writing. It’s most noticeable here, but there has been several instances throughout this one where I’ve picked up similar. The “sobering” thought idea was clearly intentional, and I get why you would try to include it (especially after the previous lines), but I honestly feel this would be better without it. It adds to the length of your line, elongating it, when you didn’t really need or want to. You want to truncate it if anything, making it shorter, cutting the excess and keeping that syllable count down per line. The addition of the “sobering thought,” and also “To find God,” in that second line pushes the internal rhymes towards the middle of your lines – around 6/7 syllables into the line – and they almost become lost and unnoticeable. From a purely rhyme placement perspective here, you again want them to be closely in succession to each other. It reads better, it’s more noticeable to the reader what you’re doing, it gives it more of an implied rhythmic cadence when read aloud, and it keeps the lines shorter. The switch-up between ‘propose me a quest/divine intervention/open express’ and then into a different ending couplet felt like a mistake also. It reads as if it’s missing an entire line or end rhyme or something there, feels like an oversight.


I know I’m largely ignoring this first line, and that it’s meant to be read as rhyming off the one before it, that’s why I’ve chosen to skip it somewhat. There’s nothing particularly bad about it, the issues were largely with what came prior to it and it reading awkwardly due to its mix-up – possibly due to your formatting – but it is what it is.

This was better, again more concise wording wise, the line lengths again noticeably shorter, the rhymes more compact and closer together with less excess between. Less is more.


Alcoholic tears was worked in well with you drowning your sorrows I thought, the comma created a pause here that felt out of place or unrequired for me. I get the internal rhyme was why you did it, again probably just an unwise choice of wording on your part where you were attempting to do too much almost. It really didn’t need it, the line would have been fine without. You’re almost trying too hard rather than letting it come more naturally, and the few times where you have actually let your guard down and it’s felt more free and natural are the sections that have stood out as your better work here. You should take that on board.


Trundled was a great word choice. I liked that one.

Hold my breath / hospice bed doesn’t rhyme for me I’m afraid. I’m not sure how you enunciate the word hospice, but for me it starts like hospital – “hosp-iss”. The rest is solid all round, again the line lengths are compact, they read much better and cleaner rather than the overly worded and crowded ones littered throughout.

This second line was much better, very Dominate-esque in technique actually, shorter sentences being utilised to keep what is being said brief and easily digestible, yet still pushing the narrative forward. I see you with the internal/external rhymes being the same multi-string. Due to the sentence being short, it reads quite briefly also, giving it a sort of different pacing than the rest of the verse so far. There’s a change in the writing, it feels like we’re accelerating towards a point.

The first line here sort of threw me at first, on the initial read, as it read almost like it didn’t rhyme. It was a risky move, particularly as it came as you were anchoring the verse where traditionally most play it safe. I can’t say it entirely worked, but thank god you kept that last line with the same end rhyme as the first two in this quatrain. It may work in some poetry, like a limerick or something where it’s somewhat expected, but it was a miss for me here – and especially right at the ‘death’ of your verse. Lol. I would definitely recommend you play it safer next time and make the two end rhymes rhyme!

Sheesh. A rollercoaster of a verse, sometimes up and sometimes down. A lot to like, a little I loathed if I’m completely real, but overall consistently somewhere in the middle. I think formatting was a major issue I had with it, and you refusing point blank to take your foot off the gas a little so far as schemes were concerned.


Sym:

I actually thought your opening line was great, a real conversational tone adopted early on with your writers voice and plonking the reader directly into this tale. I thought the end rhyme there in that second line felt a little clunky with “proper” weight, but I can understand why you did it so I won’t penalise that too hard.


Oscillates is a great word, maybe the vocabulary not as conversational sounding as the rest of the piece so far - which had adopted a very Everyman type narrators voice besides that - again it felt a little out of place in that sense though I can understand why you did it. It’s just something to perhaps be more mindful of. I will say here that your use of the same multi-string at the end rhyme is serving you quite well otherwise, you’re definitely showing huge improvement in that area and coupling it with a short lines and a great conversational writers voice. This is making your verse instantly more accessible than your opponents here I feel. The use of the word “still” in those first two lines helps give them cohesion, something I noted MMLP lacked himself early on, so it’s putting a clear distinction between what you’re doing and what your opponent is. Your implied rhythmic cadence has been the stronger of the two, and while he was attempting more from a technical aspect with his interchangeable scheme, bobbing and weaving in and out, you’re still showing there’s a technical aspect to your game - only without as much rigidity - and you appear to be starting stronger here in truth. If we can use a boxing analogy a little further here, you’re up with a 10-9 round in this opening exchange.


I’m not keen on “perfectly,” break if I’m real. I see why it’s been used there, for sure, and I did show a little leniency towards it earlier in the verse with “proper” weight but you really want to try and kick these small kinks out of your game - especially when it comes to the better pengame type guys. These might appear like minor faults, but with them being at the end of the lines they become more noticeable. They stay in the memory as the line finishes, and they stand out like sore thumbs. You could perhaps try to incorporate these as internal rhymes so that they’re nestled within the line a little more perhaps, camouflage them a little.


The third line here is longggg, I think you’ll know that too, it was actually a case similar to MMLP’s where you’ve tried for the scheme / internal rhyme and it’s stretched the line out because it was too tricky to do so much within a short space of time. The handcuffed section lengths it considerably, could it have been just “The urgency wakes me. I find myself covered in hospital sheets,”? Possibly, without losing a great deal.


It was an okay resolution, sort of felt a little flat at the end for me if I’m completely honest and the dialogue was less natural sounding which is unusual for you generally speaking. MMLP ended up edging this one, barely, but it was a close battle.


@Dominate vs. @Etherwave

This one was an absolute pleasure to read, one of the better topical battles of the past 12 months and you would have to trawl back a considerable way further to find something of an equally good standard I’m pretty sure. The topic image itself was a challenging one, both writers did well to navigate around it, with two very different takes both in terms of their approach and execution (as I expected to see happen here). Etherwave went first, so without further ado let’s give her verse a closer look and throw it under the microscope:


Etherwave:


Etherwave opens strongly here, taking heed of the feedback from last round to incorporate far more multi-syllable rhymes than last time out. I see you. The over arching rhyme scheme was done well, no doubt with one eye on going toe-to-toe with her opposition in that department, as a more minor point I thought “my wife and kids,” would have served you slightly better than “my wife and my kids,” which added an unnecessary syllable to that line in my opinion. I found it interesting that you adopted the masculine role here given your female, it was somewhat irrelevant to comment on but I enjoyed that you did rather than base it on you as many tend to do. The final line has a black humour to it, which I again enjoyed, you’ve taken a risk here and that again for me is testament to you and your belief in your writing ability. The subtle mention of Headless being “last to get fed,” was noted, a nod towards last rounds shenanigans without it bogging down the rest of the verse in it. A sneaky little jab aimed towards him.


The choice of name here with Cherry, coupled with the sudden adaptation of style to include a barrage of multi syllables (sometimes slightly mismatched, perhaps due to accent) is reminiscent of Frank and so I can see why that accusation was levied your way. I say that like it wasn’t me that threw it out there. It was very Frank-esque, I’ll happily be proven wrong (and unhappily be proven right as he owes me money if this turns out to be him). For me the Cherry drop out of nowhere along with the style change was too coincidental for it to be an accident. If it was an unfortunate name choice, so be it, but I’m standing firm on that one for now. It wouldn’t be the first time he has pretended to be a female here. Regardless, that’s all a side show, so let’s stick to the verse at hand and stay on topic. The Headless comparison continues with the “All I’m seeing is red,” based on last rounds meme and his overall antics. I see it. The diss topical isn’t an entirely new thing, they’ve certainly been deployed before - and successfully - usually against the opposition rather than their previous opponent. I will say that they have, generally, proven to be more successful when used in a league setting over a tournament one. The arguably more competitive nature of the tournament setting seems to favour a more tried and tested approach over attacking an opponent, even subtly, and there seems to be a thin line between either whitewashing the opponent from an entertainment perspective - or falling victim to a more standardised traditional storytelling verse. It’s a risky choice, and I enjoy that you’ve taken the gamble here, but I couldn’t help but feel it was a real roll of the dice (particularly against someone of Dominate’s calibre).


This section again was quite solid, both in terms of the multi syllable rhyming and your narration driving the story forwards. Yes, there was some syllable mismatching, which I haven’t completely overlooked - but this was stronger than some previous submissions by you. I wasn’t the greatest fan of “all his habits are set,” even though there’s nothing particularly wrong with it per se - it just reads slightly clunky and in need of some quick rewording. I see why you did it regarding the scheme you were using, I just felt it could be stronger still. Again, it’s thin margins, and a thinner line you’re having to walk between balancing the technical profile by whilst still retaining the clarity and story progression so the reader gets everything on first read. We could highlight the structure, as you tend to format your verses in a different way to what is traditionally used in these topical things, but I honestly have no real issue with the formatting and find it reads just fine. I can’t speak for everyone, mind, and I can see some unfamiliar perhaps having a little more of an issue with that. To me it’s no problem personally. I felt this section was much needed, it built the character up in the minds of the reader, honing in on their thoughts and fears, while still leaving some room for interpretation and reading between the lines somewhat. It showed a trust in the reader to form their own opinions and fill in the blanks somewhat rather than beat them over the head with it to ensure they got you. I liked that.


I wasn’t particularly keen on the opening lines to this one with “life is to in smoke and I’m starting to choke on my cloak,” if I’m honest. This stanza felt a little basic and less focused than those earlier on, from a purely technical standpoint it holds less weight and merit - especially given the opposition and how their style is so dialed in to those exact technical elements. I will note, however, an often overlooked factor in the rhyme placement to this which is what gives it the implied rhythmic cadence it has going for it. It’s perhaps most noticeable in the “Cat in my hat I’m sat on the brim,” line which really had a simplistic sounding Dr. Seuss-esque feel to it. The rhyming words are placed closely together for a reason. This is one of the main noticeable differences between someone that does audio songs and text, in an audible submission this would sound far better than it reads, I’m sure of it. It doesn’t work as well when read, but you would hear it if this were for a track. I won’t fully discredit it because I can hear how that would sound in my head, and I can see why she chose to do this, it wasn’t a mistake but more of a misjudged misstep really. Inexperience at play perhaps, in this environment, or an example of her experience in a different field to be more oddly specific. It’s a difficult balance to attain in text between the two, where you have an implied rhythm but also maintain the content. I feel the content suffered slightly as a result here. There is a rhyme scheme to it, which I appreciate, but the scheme seems to have taken precedent over the content itself on this occasion.

I thought this particular line was a good example of you utilising the multi well, but it also was a good example worth highlighting of the rhyme placement mentioned being used to good effect too. The “mASTered the cRAFT of taking a bATH” with an emphasis on those masculine rhymes leading into the first syllable of your multi syllable rhyme really helped it, creating a sort of barrage of quick-fire rhymes, and it’s a more subtle use but an effective one none the less. This is harder to pull off than is perhaps given credit to, but we see you Ether. If you had managed to cram in another around the word “taking” it would have sounded even better IMHO, more of this going forward please.

It’s just a minor point really, and it really is, but since I’ve picked up on it here I’ll mention it - the use of the word “stuck” twice here so close together really stood out like a sore thumb for me personally. It may have been intentional, building upon the line preceding it, and it certainly does lend a little more weight to that second line with the repetition - don’t get me wrong - but for me, one or the other of those should have been substituted out for a different word. The rhyme placement is important, but also the word choices can be just as important in keeping the readers interest. I’m mindful this is purely my personal opinion and preference, but I would be thinking ‘What could we use here instead of repeating the word “stuck”?’ Well, there are a few options available with a little rewording: stranded, left behind, abandoned, frozen out.

A nice little indiscreet dig towards Headless again here I’m sure in retrospect.


The anchoring of the verse did its job in the sense of confirming it was what we thought, a partisan shot fired at your opposition from last round and his reaction. I suppose you had every right to have him weighing on your mind, though I do almost wish you had ignored that little sideshow and instead crafted something less Headless-orientated really. I certainly didn’t select the topic with that take in mind, so it was a creative direction to take it in - and unexpected if I’m completely truthful - so kudos to you in that regard but I didn’t feel this was the best version of yourself we have seen unfortunately. If I can delve a little deeper for you here, titling the verse as you did up top perhaps already put in the readers mind this idea of it being about Headless Verseman from the get-go, so when we reach the conclusion right at the end it perhaps takes some of the impact act from the realisation about what you were doing throughout. We already knew who it was about, so the resolution didn’t offer us up anything more than a knowing nod and a slight chuckle that you would choose to do this after last round. I think you may have been better off either removing the title of the piece - leaving more of a “twist,” if you will with an unexpected revealing at the end as to what you’re doing - so that with a secondary read they could peel back the layers and find more and more subtle jibes OR titled the piece with Headless Verse Man as a sort of misdirection and maybe including those thinly veiled barbs but not dedicating the entire thing towards your former opponent. The concept itself does have some mileage, don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy your take and admire the fact you took such a risk against an experience challenger - it was more the execution that let you down here rather than anything more. Just as a quick sort of afterthought for you while I’m at this juncture: The diss topical has been deployed several times, to varying degrees of success, and usually directed at the current opponent (rather than a former one). It seems to be far more successful in a league setting than a tournament one, where competition is arguably higher, and I myself have attempted this power play at the business end of both leagues and tournaments (the failure rate has been higher than the success rate, so they’re probably best avoided at the top of the game I’m afraid!). Still, they’re interesting to read, and an entirely different strategy to what is traditionally done in topical battles - so for that, I will always give props because you’re trying something different creatively and it’s only through trial and error we begin to see what works (what doesn’t) and why.



vs



Dom opens strongly here with an interesting use of end rhymes to keep the user engaged as this unfolds. The second line is especially Lars-esque in technique, wording and execution, I must say. Someone has clearly been paying attention in class. Get it, because he’s a teacher? Maybe not. Oh well. The overarching rhyme scheme is done well, some of them perhaps requiring a little allowance to account for your accent to me as I read them, plus the internal subtle rhymes of the third and fourth line may have gone largely unnoticed by some - but I see you with ‘shifted and coalesced/fixing him in its pen-‘ don’t worry. Nicely worked. The great thing about stuff like that is that there’s a complexity to its simplicity. It can be appreciated by just about everyone, whether they know enough to break it down at the extent I choose to or not. It’s easily digestible and readily accessible, no matter who it is viewing this from the audience, it has a technique to it that the purists can appreciate as well as not being too heavy that it immediately stands out to the reader and distracts away from the overall verse. It had a subtle quality. It doesn’t divert their attention away from the bigger picture you’re painting, but those that will comb through these things for the more technical aspects will also be able to appreciate what was done and how. Anyway, enough on this point, the scheme continues through into the next segment so let’s move on…

The rhyme between ‘expecting to wake/misgiving remained’ obviously works more so in your accent than it does mine. I can hear you leaning into with yours, but less so for my part of the world. It’s not a slight per se, more just an observation you may wish to be more aware of going forward so as to not alienate the audience. There are some real nit-pickers out there. Instead here what I pointed to point out for people is the use of dialogue. It’s short, it’s crisp, it’s punchy. This is, in my own humble opinion, how it should be done. Many make the mistake of creating a storyline that is rather heavy on dialogue. I’ve seen entire paragraphs of it written out, line after line of interchangeable dialogue between two or more characters and it presents its own set of problems - sometimes confusing to follow, others overly wordy and convoluted due to the line restrictions, often coming off unnatural sounding as they attempt to make the lines rhyme at the end. The difficulty in maintaining clarity between who is saying what, and when, is also fraught with issues. I’ve seen people attempt to colourise certain sections of dialogue to try and differentiate them. I’ve seen italics, bold font, underlines… all sorts, when really that problem is just due to their execution being wrong. If you’ve done your job correctly as the writer, there should be no ambiguity around who is saying what to who and when. Keep it simple and to the point. Say what needs to be said and remove the excess, trim the fat, get rid of the unnecessary and really be quite hard on yourself to hone your sword. If it isn’t driving your storyline forwards somehow, it’s not worth it. The dialogue, when done correctly, can be a great tool to utilise - and also relatable to the reader because they can easily associate with its conversational tone. It is, however, all too often done poorly to the point it becomes unnatural sounding and clumsy. Dom works around this here by adding descriptive actions around the dialogue, it’s not merely “He said,” or “The cat added,” but you’ll notice how he uses things like the stammering and beginning to shake - giving a visual to the dialogue being spoken also. A great tool to create a clear picture in the readers minds eye.

Implored was a good word choice, again keeping the readers interest. The follow up with the descriptive ‘smouldering orbs’ was also a nice deft touch. Again the dialogue is kept to a premium here - telling you only what you need to know - but t’s pushing the narrative forward all the time toward his next plot point. From a purely critical standpoint, and I am enjoying this verse right now as I write this, the third and fourth lines here seem to have crept up in length slightly - longer than those proceeding them for sure - and he will want to reign that in a little more to keep the didactic rhythm he has. I think he will, but let’s keep an eye on it and see as we continue…


The second line here has again crept up a little in length, especially when you compare it to that first line (EDIT: and third, and fourth). I’m not sure if it’s the use of “reflected” and “disquieting” both being used with the same line that has caused that - quite possibly - but it’s easy to see how vocabulary can also have its detriments which is worth touching on while we’re at this stage and it’s highlighted. Interesting word choices can be a great idea in terms of holding your readers attention, so that they don’t merely glaze over what is said, but do exercise caution as in doing so here the syllable count in that second line had slowly crept up. It feels noticeably lengthier than the others surrounding it, and as the implied rhythmic cadence has been established prior it stands out that little bit more to me. It wouldn’t perhaps be as easy to catch had it only included one of those longer pieces of vocab. It’s not a major flaw, just something to pay attention to, these are fine margins were critiquing you on as the rest has been of a high standard really. I’m sure @oats would enjoy this as it is very much in what was the “RapBattles.com” style of carrying the same end multi over four lines. I don’t think you ever did a topical battle there, which makes it slightly more interesting to me still that you would incorporate this into your own style. It isn’t something I generally choose to do, personally, but that’s more just due to me setting my stall out differently. I had an idea where the concept was going around the third line here, by the way, I just wasn’t sure how it would all play out - but the concept of Schrödinger’s Cat is one I’m familiar with so the third line in particular all but confirmed things for me. Still, I was intrigued to see what you were going to do with it…

I actually look a little silly here because I mentioned earlier on how some will try to rhyme out entire lines of dialogue, and you didn’t, only for you to do it here a little later on. Oh well. I still didn’t think this little couplet was anything particularly bad. It’s still written well enough that it comes off as natural sounding, isn’t clumsy or convoluted, and it is still “driving” (pun intentional) the overall narrative forward while building the scene towards something. We have the concept of the backseat and wheel here, but the more subtle tie-ins to this particular segment are around the contrast between “Reality,” and “perception,” which are setting us up nicely for the idea of Schrödinger’s cat. It’s some clever foreshadowing taking place and planting those seeds in the readers mind, the word choices are used to good effect, all alluding the central concept at its heart. They certainly aren’t there by coincidence, it’s a calculated drip feed of information where you’re working toward the pay off before drawing back the final curtain for a big reveal.


The hanging rhyme in that second line was cool, not something you see from the more inexperienced topical heads. You’ll find deadman uses those a lot, perhaps me from time to time in a free write session - but rarely as often in a competitive context in truth. I can appreciate it, and having seen you toy with several different schemes and plot devices throughout this tournament I think you’ll also appreciate how difficult it what I do with my own style can be to pull off. There aren’t many that adhere to such a rigid rhyme scheme consistently, fewer still that will attempt a dual rhyme scheme choc with internals and still manage to pull off a coherent story - often with dialogue, imagery and all manner of literary devices whilst still adhering to a rhythmic cadence and flow. It’s far harder than people first give it credit for, and can perhaps only be appreciated fully when you attempt to do it yourself. It’s not easy, sure it can look deceptively simple at first, but there is a lot going on beneath the surface. The appreciation for the degree of technical skill in the topical realm is very much different than that found on the text battle side of the board.

Snapping was a great action word here BTW. As you were.

Hmmmmm, okay, so on first read that pause where the sentence ends after ‘shake the dream off’ seemed to break the line up for me slightly as I read it. I don’t know if others read it the same way, maybe it’s just me, but I almost wish it hadn’t because of the cadence to the two lines before. The same thing occurs in the final line, with the pause, but there it works due to how the line is formed and its context. It’s a puzzler. I think what I may have done here is reworded that third line so that its cadence read the same as those first two, and then had the fourth lines execution be kept how it was for impact at the right moment. The three lines prior sort of building up a crescendo before you deliver the fourth line, a three bar setup to a punchline if you will (to use a text battle analogy). I’m aware the payoff doesn’t really land on that last line and is essentially a bridge into the next segment here - but you get the general idea. Everything is still working towards that next plot point, pushing the piece forward, there is still some slight intrigue as to where this ultimately be heading. You haven’t revealed all your cards yet, but we’re “tantalisingly close”.


I’m a huge fan of physics so I perhaps caught on to where this was going earlier than some who will read this, obviously the first four lines with its overarching end rhyme scheme again here was done well. The alliteration in the fourth line was another little deft touch, sometimes those things come quite easily and I imagine that one did too here as “putting pen to paper,” on its own is already a little alliterative idiom anyway. The grand finale to round things out confirmed my early thoughts, not necessarily a twist for me but a solid resolution and its the fact you managed to extract this conceptually from that image that was the most impressive thing about it. This was a high quality submission, worthy of our semi-finals, and there are few active right now that would have fancied their chances up against it I’m sure. A monstrous showing from someone who doesn’t consider themselves a topical head. You not only came here and told a story, you offered up a creative take on the topic and incorporated various different technical elements from the rhyme scheme, the hanging rhymes, alliteration, your rhythmic cadence (rhythmic cadence/alliteration rhymes there deliberately. I’m so good). Regardless, good work Dom. Keep that pen moving.



vs.

HAVE AT IT YOU FILTHY ANIMALS. EXCUSE THE ASTERISKS, IVE BEEN DRINKING TODAY!!!!

Dope mag thanx for the shout out lars..

And thanks to etherwave for giving my cherry hill a shout out

Lmaooooo.

Thanks again for the considered feedback. And you’re quite right - a lot of my writing is just my best impression of a few people I feel do certain things particularly well. Very insightful Larzipan.

always fire, thanks yo

Lit.

Also, I'm not Frank. That's wild I have to keep saying this lol.

Is frank a woman!? Wtf lol

yo Ether- go vote on the finals

He certainly pretended to be for a duration of time here