WEEK FOURTEEN: MASTER ROCK (5-7) vs RAWN MD (1-0) MASTER ROCK WINS 4-0
 

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AOWL Season X WEEK FOURTEEN

@Master Rock @Rawn MD


Verse Due: MONDAY JULY 25TH @ 11:59 EST

Line min: 10

Max: 40


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:
https://i.ibb.co/02325zf/573098-F7-F...2-D051-C40.jpg





GOOD LUCK

Chomp.

Check

Pier'ing Out
 

https://i.ibb.co/02325zf/573098-F7-F...2-D051-C40.jpg

Geoffry grew up a G, but his team played him as soft
Got cased up in his teens, took time delayed in a stall.
Would not screech yell or scream, but he could paint, tint and draw
Geoff spent his days set in intrigue, and traced him a boss.
He had first spotted his mentor, stone-faced playing hearts
Playing wasn't the right word, one doesn't play from the heart.
He had saw the quick movement, set the sun to its spark
His paragon's bruteness moved like music in pitch dark.
A lion among cheetahs, which doesn't need to roar
Liar among cheaters, leave lying the cleanest corpse.
His mind was the meanest, been steeped in schemes that bleed more...
...red, in the same degree than the biggest Supreme store.
Geoffry took to his side, followed direction and learned
The best weapon's the mind of the dejected, unheard.
Never affected by whatever occurs; assured-
Paying attention to every sentence and word.
Playing affection for dependence and worth; alert-
For breaks in deception like a pickpocket or perp.
Geoffry reminisced about the snitch neighborhood kids
He then began to think about his friends where he lived.
Each person's character, their aptitude, and their wit
Their attitude, who could pass as food, and who would quit.
Upon his release, he let the beast out from its cage
Inhaled his last breath, stagnant air, refreshed and depraved.
He could feel the air tense, as they circled round each way
Geof foresaw this, deep in his drawing of drowned seascapes.
They'd smelt his foul stench, his flesh, his thoughts clouded his brain
hypnotics the Nautic when meditated for days.
He’d marauded, fought death, and penetrated its gaze
so, when the sharks set target on Geoffry as some prey
he posted on his peers acting chummy with brusque bait.
Peer to pier cut and paste, Geoff met his threat unafraid.
Sink or swim, Geoffry crept in the frenzy proud and trained
pulled his plunger, and got wet emptying out the drain.

https://i.ibb.co/02325zf/573098-F7-F...2-D051-C40.jpg

She pulled me into her summer song
so enticing me to see if I would sail along
as she raised my hairs whispering in a cool breeze
stimulating me to the core, my soul's shivering me timbers...
easing, so softly, I heard her say, she was on board as I walked along her the path of way,
down the plank, testing the bits of her limbered display
bending her ever so carefully trying not to break her into splitters like the freezing cold winter
Within her, I surfed inside of her waves,
and I dove deeply diving for days scouring the depths of her concaves
into the corner pieces of her mind,
I stood still, mesmerized by the unpredictability of how she behaves, "my mistress, let me test the waters while I bathe", cautiously seeking to uncover if her body was ok,
she nods in a wave stating that she's fine..."It's cool, whatever you say"
I tuned into her storm, hoping she'll play,
I listened to her state that this form is her way that she sways
as I fell into her mist her ocean spray on my lips I taste her spray,
in it, is exactly where I needed to reside and stay,
listening to me, she heard me say, "let me dive deeper into the depths of your dreams",
not sure if she understood my means, then she remained calm before the storm broke and her silence beamed as I stared into the endless blue sky.. so serene
we stood divided but I landed standing in the sand of the ocean lying in between
I once was a child scribbling messages in bottles, painting pictures of us from what I have seen, a future of us, a sweet tomorrow
salt of the season...I've been begging to borrow, every bit of your essence
rock me gently with your presence, you gave plenty, when I'm sick I see
sail me down, your everywhere, but in the middle... I'm free
my style converts adaption I'm hurting when I'm away I still hear the sounds of your waves
hellos and goodbyes
never, did I want to divide, greatly let me intertwine
the feels of your insides
so wet
I'm absorbed
your whispers tickled me as our sands eloped, overboard
met, petted our offspring at the coast
I daydreamed on the boardwalk, docking the seeds of my spokes
I watched them circle and I prayed as I wrote
with the tide combined, I've seen the sea turn clouded with red dye
spreading on the inside those are our babies... peace of you and mine
paper is the only time I ever drew the line
I dipped into your tide as they innately dripped into their demonic design
They're evil evoked upon the horizon line spreading on upon the distance they dragged my body in
Sharply biting into my trust, gullibility, self inflictive was my only crime

RAWN MD - Enjoyed this piece definitely a step in the right direction compared to last weeks while your story was engaging and your verse flowed smooth the use of the name Geoffry throws off the flow at times its such oddly worded name that it stunts the momentum of the rhyme scheme at least when i read it to myself that's my only complaint that stands out.

Masterrock - I enjoyed this while i think your opponent went more of straight line in terms of his story yours kinda drifted here and there but the emotional connection to the imagery and the wordplay kept me engaged i found it to be enjoyable.


MVGT - TIE I feel like both verses are equal no one really did better then the other

RAWN MD --

Very good verse here, It was a good ''SHARK TALE'' -- I really have no critique.. it was really nice. A NICE READ. Good rhyme scheme, and good rhymes. I really enjoyed the read -- nice..

MASTER ROCK --

I enjoyed this piece, crisp writing -- good flow-- NIICE ONE..

OVERALL --

I really enjoyed this battle -- GOOD WORK -- I really enjoyed both pieces..

I have to give it to ''MASTER ROCK'' -- NICE BATTLE..

Rawn MD

I immediately don't like where this is going... "Geoffrey grew up a G" just doesn't seem to have a place in this topic and I hope we don't continue down this path but let's see... Okay, so gets a little better in terms of staying on topic... I mean, a little. Your phrasing is awkward, my dude. You're dropping multi's which is appreciated but they seem forced and don't read naturally - There is no point to multi's if you sacrifice clarity... NONE. I'll take clarity over forced technique all day. But that said, your flow is nice and when you DO come across loud and clear to the reader you flash BRIGHT... Problem is whenever you do it's usually followed up by more wording issues.

You're an intelligent dude, I can tell just by reading this. But I think a little more thought and editing could go into your verses. You owe that to yourself and to your ideas. They are begging to be given more depth because they have so much potential.

The story here is just so mediocre, man. It's so basic. This topic should lead us in tons of interesting directions but everything you're doing in the first half is just surface level material. I think overall this piece does pick up at the end A LOT and you started ro find your groove but it was too little too late, imo. I get the metaphorical approach to your story but I just wasn't invested in it at all. I didn't care about Geoffrey and I should have. It would've made the strong ending so much better.

Rawn, I felt disconnected reading this at the start. I understood what you were going for with the Pier/Peer wordplay (which in and of itself is just a played af wordplay concept) but to base your whole narrative on this was just a waste of the massive potential of this topic. I know this seems like a harsh critique but for someone who is a vet like you I expected more and this just sort of fell flat. Again, the ending was strong with some deep metaphors on display and good connections to the topic, but all of it lay upon the shaky foundation you placed it on and it just didn't hold up.

So overall, great flow with some flashes and cool lines/concepts but they were too few and far between and stacked on top of a clumsily built narrative with no real driving force behind it. Wording choices were below average in the beginning but vastly improved near the end. I think if you would've carried that ending vibe throughout the entire piece and added some unique twists and turns this would've been much better. Great, even.

I think your voting and breakdowns are spot on though so just use some of that knowledge and apply it to your own verses going forward. I think you're still shaking off the rust... but that ending showed some great signs for the future.


Master Rock

Is it just me or does this piece lack a beginning? I felt like I was dropped into a verse that had halfway run its course already.. I was thrown for a loop immediately and struggled to absorb myself into it for awhile. Some wording choices were... strange... "shivering me timbers" and "break her into splitters" were the worst offenders. You have a thoughtful style, Rock... always have. But it only works if you allow your verse to breathe a little. The harder you try to guide it the worse it usually comes off... Your strong suit is flowing naturally like a stream and letting your deep concepts and ideas take over. I felt this was just forced in the beginning. Presentation was jarring as well.

Relation to the topic was more on point than Rawn's though and definitely had some cool moments in the middle section. I enjoyed all the water metaphors because even though they were on the nose, you just flowed into them so well that it all seemed so profound - This verse, when it worked, was like taking a dip in a natural spring... so cool and refreshing. That said, your wording choices were off here and there throughout, some repeating words ("spray" used twice in one line?) left a bad taste in my mouth.

Also, as stated, I didn't really like your presentation in the beginning... just seemed clunky with no real direction. But when you switched it up you started to hit your groove...

"sail me down, your everywhere, but in the middle... I'm free"

Definitely reflects your style as well. You are SO good when you free yourself. Did you mean "you're" everywhere though? I suppose "your everywhere" can still work in a sense...

As I said, the switch up of flow worked and read much better. You should've written the entire piece like this. The ending had a nice touch, with some emotional impact and related to the topic nicely. Both of your endings did, actually. But I felt Rock's was more organic and had prior signs and set ups while Rawn's kind of just changed out of nowhere after stumbling out of the gates. I think that's the main difference here.

I think flow and presentation-wise I would definitely favor Rawn but in terms of level of depth (which this topic was begging for) narrative, and unique connection to the topic Master Rock gets this hands down. I just love his emotional resonance and he usually travels so deep with his thoughts it really let's the reader disappear into his work. That's the difference here. Rawn is a volcano though, BRIMMING with potential... and about to blow.

But for now...

Vote: Master Rock

Great Battle
 

RAWN MD

Sketchy verse... There was this element of shiestyness to it: as well as, this element of "whimsicalness." My main gripe is...these two elements didn't really mesh real well together. The element of "shiestyness" was like this oil spilling. In a sense, because the content matter was slicker and grimier and heavier.
(Ex: Delayed In A Stall, Pass As Food, etc etc.) While the Whimsicalness element was like a Water: refreshing & pure & innocent. (Ex: Drawing The Seascape, Painting And Drawing, etc) When you combined these two elements together, without sufficiently mixing them properly, it just didn't settle right.
The verse kinder teeter tottered between a tale of playing the victim and some tale of some little kids imagination running wild.
The vibe was kind of Bob Ross, one minute, Federal Watch, the next. You never circled around to make sure all of your elements co-existed.
I like the name Geoffrey, cause it's similar to Greg/Gregory and that allows you tell his personal story behind the visage of a moniker. Also because "Geoffrey" "G - Off" (Out Of Jail, Beating The Case). Clever, also intentional, because you refer to the character as G & "Geoff".
After analyzing this bit, a bit further, it does appear that your elements could've worked together in hindsight "IF" you had had other elements helping out. Don't get me wrong: Your verses premise is hard body, but the content was just baby buns. That juxtaposition made it read awkwardly. If I had to nitpick, pet peeve of mine... I don't like how you mentioned land animals. "A Lion Amongst Cheetahs." Why not a Shark Amongst Piranha? A Flounder amongst Snappers? A Shrimp amongst King Fish? The point is (SPEAR POINT) This picture called for more Water World references. Maybe it could a be a Lion Fish or a tiger shark? I'm just skimming the surface really. This verse left a lot to be desired. There is so much more you could've done with it. You drew from a personal experience, but it was just a chummy rehashing. Your interpretation of the picture was abstract and metaphorically enough, you just didn't hook the reader. And at the end of the day, I couldn't really sink my teeth into it.
Hmmmm. Your verse didn't really portray a sense of pride to me. If he was so PROUD: The reader would've saw him beaming from the lighthouse or radiating it with SPF 17 etc. Is the last line jail talk or just what it sounds like? All in all, Rawnold, your conceptual prowess is still on point: you just didn't immerse yourself enough into this Geoff character enough to reel me in.
You're still getting your sea legs.



MASTER ROCK


Wow. Heh. Wishy-Washy: The stream-of-consciousness style was a big hit or miss with this picture. I thought that Master Rock played it really safe and attacked this pic in the most obvious way. The formatting and structuring almost erodes away here. Your avatar really deserves a more aesthetically pleasing verse to go along side it: don't you think? One of the Sharks really ought to PUNCTUATE your verse for you. The structure and formatting looks like an actual dorsal fin. You gotta kinda sentimental/vulnerable with this pic (Depths Of Her Concaves, Those Are Our Babies) I thought that was cool, but risky, all else considering. A lot of the verse sounded like gibberish. I found that to be part of the charm of it. It mirrored the oceanic context and submerged the audience into your Man Poem. Whatever floats your boat. You definitely bled your heart out and left the waves a rose colored mess. It was a very choppy read, to say the least. Honestly, this verse was lovely, really. I enjoyed it, the way maybe a a drunken sailor would. My only real critique here is, ground your verse with more of a solid foundation before venturing out.


Overall

RAWN MD and MASTER ROCK both excelled, where they each faltered. I gotta give it to Master Rock for a much more engaging submission, this round.

This was a good battle, you both had strong points and some lows.

Rawn -
I liked your verse, but I’m really confused with how the character’s past had anything to do with the latter stuff with the sharks and what not, him draining this pond was surely metaphorical so the best that I could make of it was these sharks were metaphorical for the bad people Geoff used to be around and he’s metaphorically “draining the swamp?” That’s what your pieces are lacking for me, they’ve got the whimsical aspect down Pat, you set a scene very well and build your characters good as well but like I said nothing really happened in my opinion, or nothing I could tell because the narrative was kinda loose. I didn’t enjoy several aspects of your verse though

“ depraved.
He could feel the air tense, as they circled round each way
Geof foresaw this, deep in his drawing of drowned seascapes.
They'd smelt his foul stench, his flesh, his thoughts clouded his brain”

Nice

Master Rock:
I already spoke with Rawn about this and he didn’t want the DQ (which is admirable) you’re NOT SUPPOSED TO EDIT YOUR VERSE AFTER BOTH WRITERS DROP, it gives you an unfair advantage if you’re constantly going back tweaking after the deadline. With that being said, this is probably your best verse of the season and definitely the most fleshed out, I liked the metaphorical aspect of everything, relating love to the sea is a pretty old concept but you went about it well here, the shiver me timbers part threw me off a little. Weird to throw pirate lingo into a poem. Anyways, the left turn you took at the end with the sharks attacking kind of jarred me first read, I wasn’t expecting it, you did a great job placing imagery and I guess there’s a lesson to be learned here, as beautiful as memories can be, they also have teeth. The run on sentenceish bars could have been broken up better. Otherwise Great work


Although this should have been a DQ I will hand it to Master Rock he showed up this week with his best verse of the season, awesome work to both

V /MR