WEEK TWELVE CONTENDERS: NYCSPTIZ (5-2) vs BROKENHAL0 (6-4) SPITZ WINS 3-0
 

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

AOWL Season X WEEK TWELVE

@NYCSPITZ @brokenhal0


Verse Due: THURSDAY JULY 7TH @ 11:59 PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:

https://i.ibb.co/QKWcFX4/E41401-E5-1...89-D9-C486.jpg





GOOD LUCK

Fire topic

Check

I’ll take an ext

Hear-RA-Kiri

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsyxKmSuI74

...may she rest in peace...

As she stares with one eye behind bangs listening to a spirits silent words
she touched it gently feeling the shapes and lines and curves
whispering softly about the faces how they look wild and disturbed
she was a ninja pagan with training from an ancient line of serbs
she was the proverbial artist who escapes in her times of work
with her pet raven she enters her chambers painting tigers and flying birds
I heard you was the disturb neighbor who snuck inside her apartment
I heard you was the panty sniffer who was obsessed with her vital heart stench
painting pain in orange im the guy who smiles while his wife suffers to pay the mortgage
im the doctor in the mask operating her latest abortion she had a few lost one
the adult child in denial of change because it comes way to often
engaged to the spirits knowing shes to weak to create divorces or face their forces
you're just like her but you couldn't repay the losses
naked in a silken gown she paints as the voices make her nauseous
she appeared sullen and dysphoric her meticulous study of nature
is refined in palettes of uninspired portraits
it was a year to the day her sister got raped in august
for a second I seen the silhouette of a samurai standing behind her corsets
for generations her people hid in caves in an ancient malaysian forest
until the mongolian crusades arrived and incinerated there makeshift fortress
now her family hides the secrets in jade figurines underneath the office
secretly portrayed in mask who seem to watch you as you walk past the ponds edge
secretly she hates her past using any substance to escape just like her mom did.


She's beginning to lose her mind and there's no way to ignore it
behind the shinto shrine a statue of buddah telepathically ask to read her fortune
she gets up out her chair and starts walking toward the garden
the mask on the wall seem to frown shamefully knowing she created all of them
the calm of early autumn faint hints of manure and larkspur lemongrass and primrose
At the alter was a large stagnant pond of koi fish & luminescent minnows
gasping for air shes staring at the surface speechless
the devil whispers in her ear to leave this place in the name of jesus
just then buddahs statue begins to shake and he breaks to pieces
so the painting is completed so the wasting and the shame is defeated
images flood her thoughts and she couldn't believe it
she was looking through the eyes of her dead sister
who hung herself by the trees where the bees live
hidden again another face another pain-thing another suffering priestess
wearing the mask of her family's secrets reveling a very wholesome grasp for weakness
buddah stones start reaching out like little arms connecting to the tree limbs
squeezing at it's roots creating the shape of a phoenix holding a silhouette with a noose
a new excuse for a genius.

She gives spirits a face a taste of love with aborted faith
radiating her love her creations constraint mutating ukraine
where she earned a degree teaching eunuchs to paint
her freedom muted by her soothing two face
doubt she'll change but today shes even
remembering her sisters mistakes she gave the spirits her body
and she was left to rot by the hill near yamanashi lake
"I am a spirit witch."
The woman whispered softly like a mosquito drinking blood
taking from you without knowing your the prey but this time the thinking's done
inkling came upon to reach for the kitana blade
the main thing to do was cut the scars away
she swung with a vengeance as if no contact was made
reality ripped apart now all that's left shall die in vain
a master of her art but in the end every mask wants a face
and in the end the sword entered her heart seppuku sign away....

https://i.ibb.co/QKWcFX4/E41401-E5-1...89-D9-C486.jpg

Yeah I’ll post once you read the rules and get to the 60 limit otherwise it’s a DQ @Adverse

@brokenhal0 cut down to 60 lines or it’s a DQ

Even 60 was a mistype as the limit outside of championship and contenders matches are supposed to be 40 but I let it ride this week. Dont mistake my kindness for WEAKNESS

fixed...i counted 59... if its over just dq me

I vote we let the battle roll.

Coined rosaries adorn the wall behind this unflappable veteran
sutra scrolls ripe for brushstrokes - the kanji of her magical lettering
Shinto code cold, watch her heart dance on a precipice:
masking a genesis; triple checking spells, pages flashing; she checks the pieces
Asako combing tomes - THOUSANDS of grimoires til she grasped their exegesis…
Her assembled thesis: a mix of dark shinto, bedouin lore and zen’s completeness
She spent hours in old mountain shrines that were wrecked into pieces
Knowing her task could never be left uncompleted…
The spirits guided her. Her powers continued to form
into one of the most powerful mages present in the Shinjuku Ward -
Had conversations w baku the dream eater that were truly astounding
& fought bakemono and oni at the very foot of Fuji mountain…
talked to Shojo the drunken ape; the bastard just laughed
“Best demoness in Japan? You’ve gotta level up faster than that…”
she fought gashadokuro, who was invisible & “indestructible” too
Slayed him quick. Country on notice - she was busting a move
Captured Tengu like evening cicadas, they’d play felicitous roles
Once she contained the essence of their proud, mischievous souls …

Asako trained her Tengu til they became the messengers & forte of her creed
Brought them to life. They whispered secrets over shortcake and tea
The underworld noted Asako may be building an army to brew up violence
Gossip spread from Hokkaido to the penal colony of the ryukyu islands…
She knew they’d talk shit. All of the omens portended this
They didn’t know the glory of her vision: the disowning of wretchedness.
This great island was filled with hikikomori. They’d scour manga or read
“Social anxiety”…pfft, it might as well have been a phantom disease.
One that her army of Tengu and her plans could relieve
With adamant steez, then the country might even manage to breathe…
You see the culture was at a tipping point
Tokyo was an egregore of suppression, hatred & greed. a maze of their dreams
Filled with heroes who never found it in them to say what they mean
So the task was a simple & targeted, yet such a glorious plan
To pour Bushio spirit into these outcasts, & bring back the soul of Japan…
Sitting in rooms playing games, eating delivery food
Their potential was lost, & honestly it was killing the mood
Until the tengu were released one night by Asako, who ordered:
”Fill them with the truth….”

The global zeitgeist shifted that night. They say the sky glowed in lavender hues
As “evil” Asako unveiled her ingenious, magical ruse -
Notice the television uproar - every single major bulletin read:
“EVERY HIKIKOMORI IN JAPAN GOES OUTSIDE -
& THEY’RE ACTING LIKE REAL WOMEN AND MEN”
What a swindle. The word spread of her numinous vision
& Asako was awarded medals at a conclave of druids and witches
The head speaker was an old wizard of brutal precision:


“Asako must be applauded for bravery in executing her luminous mission…
By activating the shadow in pathetic women, and dudes who were bitches
We’ve re-animated hope in the Bushido code, hope in Japan
in our spirit as animals who’d gone hopelessly mad.
Every few centuries a genius arrives to us with positive grace
And seeds of hope grow. Thus The need for magic washes away
We’ll lose our powers, but stay true to your magical vibes
they’ll be lost one full moon after the lavender Sky
But party like it’s 1647. That’s something u maggots have earned
Maybe We’ll be the ghosts the next time that the magic returns…”

First of all, good writing on both ends, especially the climaxes both played out well and I liked how much both of your verses mirrored each other’s in the same way that Dom/Soulé did this week as well. They weren’t exactly carbon copies but they both had the same sort of concept in mind, though I guess there’s not a whole lot of crazy directions you can take this picture in?

Hal0:
One thing I can always count on when you write is that you’re going to have vivid imagery, for better and for worse. Sometimes you use it to describe a beautiful scene, and sometimes you use it to describe - well

“ I heard you was the panty sniffer who was obsessed with her vital heart stench”

This.

But nonetheless I usually enjoy your pieces, my biggest complaint is how discombobulated the transitions seem, like I can tell you have a dope story in mind and you might even have it planned out to the T beforehand but as soon as you start writing it’s kind of like it gets lost in your narrative, almost like you’ve got way too much to say and you’re cramming all of this stuff in there that’s not really relevant, or just doing stuff out of sequence, it’s messy and honestly I felt that way a lot last season when reading your verses but that was the first time I’ve felt that way this year. Perhaps it’s because you had to cut 20 bars of content? I know that probably hurt and it’s definitely hard to get the details correct when you lose that much room. It just felt like this was sort of rushed and there was a lot of filler in it, also the rhyming was off, especially in the beginning “mortgage/lost one, abortion/heart stench” I mean we could attribute it to an accent or something but I’ve never seen you that far off rhyming before, I think that and the instances of bad grammar, the messy narrative just kind of combined together and made the flow of the verse rocky and rough. But when the ending started I think you upped your piece quite a bit and I did enjoy the whole dead sister thing and the visions from Buddah, this but right here I liked

“ images flood her thoughts and she couldn't believe it
she was looking through the eyes of her dead sister
who hung herself by the trees where the bees live
hidden again another face another pain-thing another suffering priestess
wearing the mask of her family's secrets reveling a very wholesome grasp for weakness
buddah stones start reaching out like little arms connecting to the tree limbs
squeezing at it's roots creating the shape of a phoenix holding a silhouette with a noose
a new excuse for a genius.”

Alas the last little segment ended badly IMO, I liked everything up to this point

“ she swung with a vengeance as if no contact was made
reality ripped apart now all that's left shall die in vain
a master of her art but in the end every mask wants a face
and in the end the sword entered her heart seppuku sign away....”

Literally the last three words fucked the ending up for me because this was forced in my opinion, could have found a lot better sounding way to end this. All in all this wasn’t your best attempt

NYC:
In classic Spitz fashion you called your opponent out on something he could have been DQ’d for and then proceeded to not post until way after the deadline lol it’s all good though.

I can tell you kind of conjured this one from thin air, perhaps thinking Hal0 wouldn’t fix his mistakes and you could run away without getting your hands dirty, sadly it didn’t go down that way. But no matter I thought if you came up with this on the fly then your knowledge of Japanese culture must be pretty on point, because the things you were referring to aren’t exactly common knowledge especially for people like us over in the states. So that’s dope to know, I could feel the rushed aspects of your verse as well, compared to your usual stuff this was shaky at best. It just seemed like you were missing the usual story beats you nail most of the time and it seems like as happened with Hal0 you had too little room to work, maybe you would have fleshed this out had you had more time or if had known if your opponent would come through or not. Whatever it may be this was smoother than Hal0’s entry.

The narrative was real anime-ish, a ghost rebellion with a sorceress at the forefront of things. Building an army out of Tengu (supernatural samurai creatures if I’m not mistaken?) felt some of the Kurosawa vibes. Loved the way you described all these different spirits she fought and the dialogue was cool. I liked the end game here as well, though this “war” didn’t go down quite as I expected and instead was more like a spiritual awakening than an actual battle, it was sort of effective? I mean the ending could have been of an engaging one but I guess it worked and everyone lived happily ever after. Japan was reawakened so to speak. The people were once again free until a few centuries go by and they need to be helped again.

Though NYC wasn’t at his top level here I think I enjoyed his approach more and it was hard to really credit Hal0 here even though his ending was pretty decent it was held back by mistakes, and just by the clunkiness of his mechanics this week. Decent battle

V/NYC

Had a rather big vote written and then my internet decided to be a cunt. So. Sorry for this but it'll be much more brief on my phone.

Halo. I was impressed though I'd recommend more multies to maintain pace. It got a bit stale through out. The narrative was really good minus some off spots in the wording. Great story though man. Really.

NYC. I was impressed with this too. Technically, it was much cleaner than your opponent and you managed to keep up on a narrative level. Really no complaints here.

Overall it was an awesome battle between two storytellers. This is what I look for in topical battles. As is, I gotta go with the cleaner read and that was obviously NYC.

Halo,
I think this is my favourite verse from you all season. This was chock full of the fantastic descriptors that are your signature style. Your rhyming has been more of a variable from one verse to another but here you were about as good as I’ve seen you in that regard – you held some cool schemes over quite a number of lines at points. My main complaint against you in the past has been that even when you do a great job with those two things I just mentioned you jump around from descriptor to descriptor too much, painting us some vivid imagery but not really building a story or an emotion or whatever, but here I think you were a lot more focussed. Your imagery was interspersed with lines about the characters actions and thoughts and some exposition about why she was doing what she was doing. Much, much better. There were still some areas where I got a bit lost and some sections where it was obvious that you had relinquished control of the narrative to the rhyme scheme, but for the most part I think you kept yourself tethered to a story that you had planned out. Great job.


NYC,
I had to read this verse flicking back and forth between tabs and googling words I was unfamiliar with. I learned a lot. This verse was a crash course in ancient Japanese folklore and modern Japanese socio-cultural issues. The story was engaging, with some excellent turns of phrase and rhyming. Maybe my only criticism is that things like "pfft", "dudes who were bitches", "need to level up" felt a bit discordant with the tone of other lines/sections. But damn man did you really write this in one morning? Super impressive... I would be happy to have written this as a final product after working on it all week. Yeesh.



Kind of similar verses – story based and revolving around ancient Japanese customs/folklore. I want to vote for Halo bc I really thought this was a level up from what I’m used to seeing from him, but NYC’s verse was just a lot cleaner/more refined/polished. Voting for him.