WEEK ELEVEN CHAMP MATCH: FRANK (5-1) vs MIKE WRECKA (3-1) FRANK WINS
 

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AOWL Season X WEEK ELEVEN

@Frank @Mike Wrecka


Verse Due: SUNDAY JUNE 26TH @ 11:59 PM

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:
https://i.ibb.co/1XxKxw6/DA682-BEC-4...-CD9-BD921.jpg






GOOD LUCK

Check.

EXT

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explored the colony , discovered an amazing place, now I travel to work on a hover train in space,
my job is to harvest specimens, that contain a trace, of the minerals earth needs to be obtained and replaced,
this profession has given me fame and my name is embraced, but on the inside I feel so ashamed and disgraced,
for my actions I should be detained in chains and restraints, sometimes suicide seems to be the only way I can make an escape,
there’s a pain in my face, developed a twitch in my eye, when I signed my contract I was a victim of lies,
I soon tried to quit and was quickly denied, but that’s what happens on the moon when value systems collide ,
I was given a bribe a lavish dwelling that my division provides, but I really want to leave so it feels like a prison inside,
my soul is so deceased but the mission survives, before I took this assignment I should have listened to Clyde,
he wanted to convince me he tried, he knew something was wrong, when they told me none of my associates would be coming along,
instead I have to work with robots that emit a humming so strong, that I often sing songs to prevent from becoming withdrawn,
I was conveniently sworn, to secrecy about my work, it had to raise eyebrows when I ordered a thousand shirts,
here at the lab it’s like I’m always around a nurse, these androids are caring for babies that weigh a pound at birth,
they’re property of the corporation, born for only one purpose, to be fully dissected and have their minerals purchased,
and it’s my job to separate whats nutritionally worthless, from what’s profitable by mining their physical surface ,
this pitiful service , is performed on a daily basis, to maintain the earth lunar economic homeostasis,
this community’s an oasis, thats burgeoning with pilgrims, but the residents don’t know , that it’s funded by murdering children,
this facility produces hundreds of specimens a day, that are then quickly coated with a gelatin spray,
which makes it all the easier to have their skeletons splayed , stripped of nutrients , and sent off to Pelican Bay,
on rocket ships kept cold or the cells will decay, and that’s why I want to leave im living in hell if I stay,
I fell and I prayed , surrounded by god forsaken drones, they use my genetic material to make me into clones,
I was only chosen because it’s easy to duplicate my genome, I wish I could get on a ship that would give me a lift and just take me home ,
every day I kill myself, over and over again, the bodies are disposed of, i get no closure with them ,
so late at night when I’m alone in my den, all I really want is to be back at home with my friends,
they provided me with a female cyborg so I got companionship ,through intercourse she collects my DNA but it’s not compassionate ,
so I lay here and rot in all of this extravagance, and regret ever becoming a molecular analyst,
in an elaborate twist, I’m told my work will continue after my death,
a clone of me will take over and then HE will have these regrets

the more I explore the colony, the more disdain I have for this place, but yet still I travel to work on a hover train in space

Peon
 

https://i.ibb.co/1XxKxw6/DA682-BEC-4...-CD9-BD921.jpg




There was a major delay in the circuitry: The Conductor of the train wasn’t trained commercially to face adversity...
The Conductor radioed in & explained the emergency—while the passengers gazed into the uncertainty, of Outer Space’s resurgency
After they gave him the third degree... The Conductor held down the lever, rotating it vertically: Until the train operated perfectly, automated/recurringly
It is universally known that delayments a certainty. The train is currently traveling at speeds accelerated by currency.
The man on the platform, gazes yearningly: out into the Milky Way, searchingly, as the traversing speed of the train
Came with urgency—
It came in blurringly: Three thousand three hundred and thirty three meters per hour, like a meteor shower. . .
He waited for an eternity, with a non-redeemable voucher.

"The last station is Mercury." With a crease in his trousers: he was suited for Jupiter
The train came to-a-turn: A smoother turn through the universe, than any human was suited for.
Listened to the music of troubadours, as the train appeared, congruent and tubular
Looking for a tune that was groovier: He shuffled the playlist, as the train switched: Rerouted & loopier
The outside of the train could’ve with-stood the boom of a nuclear







explosion







The appearance of the locomotion was translucent & juniper



The inside of the caboose was roomier: With a view of the galaxy, no commuter had seen





Eyes newer and pupilar





Commuting to Jupiter was a farfetched idea: Thought up out of thin-air, by fanatics in spaceships.
The thought of traveling through-the-ages was an idea, too big, for one man’s inter-galactic cogitation
It would take the greatest mind of our last generation, to make that train of thought: a matter of patience
A virtue, the man had: in his bag and his case—as he panned the station—
The train coming faster than the flash of illumination
The light at the end of the tunnel becoming a gamut of radiance: Light shining on the man, as he waited—uninhabited sapient—
The grayness of his slacks was like The AlienPlanning Invasion


To Planet Uranus—metallic and stainless, the train left the yard, ascending the stars
The air pressure in the car was like holding your breath in a jar: twenty four hours
Seconds to start,
Breathing another breath: Doors shuttered and kept their oxygen levels from decompressing their heart
The air was heavy and sparse. He waited on the ledge, for the sparks, from the train to light up his fermented cigar
Smoke rings or just an interstellar mirage? The man wondered? As he checked his watch: heading for Mars
For the seminar: Over the celestial reservoir, Passengers traveled crossed-legged and armed









Red from afar: looking outside of their window at the brightness of Venus
The conductor walking down the aisle to greet us. Punching the ticket & putting it behind—with discreteness.
Yellow line of cement with Converse untied sneakers: The train side winded to reach us: Mesmerizingly Screechless
The conductor looked out, from his window, crusty-eyed and dreamless, towards the man: whose eyes looked wired and speechless
The train glided in seamless, like a fireless phoenix, as he analyzed his thesis with the mind of a genius at the height of his zenith
The breaks grinded, in sequence, tire-less, squeak-less. The environment was life less and tree less.







Millions of miles between us








Everything was riding on his pretest: A man destined to guide us and lead us past the crescent steps of the Moon
To a Higher Power: Divine Intervention. He did as he was directed to, like his mentor was Zeus
The 27th of June June 27th: Time to see what his invention could do. As he stepped to the edge of the roof in his dress suit
—And steadily loomed—
Through electromagnetic loops. They cruised over the remnants of dunes
The guests swooned, at Neptune, over the legroom, looking out of their window, oppressive and cooped
Disinfectant blue: The passengers went to the restroom, the toilet flushed and you could see the excrement of the stool



—Suspended aloof. The pedestrians poo flowed through loop holes like a vacuumed soul
The window muted the rogue: sightings of UFO’S, maneuvered and glowed, too elusive to show—
The spacecrafts are flying too low through the altitude of their zone. The crews don’t have any clue as to who is in those souped up drones!
In cruise control: listening for the cue tone, the man waited for, who knows, how long, in his Converse All-Star shoe soles



The Two Toned Mutant Posed on Its Commute Home from Pluto



Huge and bulged: The Conductor looked into the eyes of the Alien, again, blinking faster
The train was in-sync with the tracks, as it clinked and clattered on the brink of disaster
Headlight: like swinging a lantern, the man looked into the light & his eyes spiraled like the ringlets of Saturn
From Mercury to Jupiter: the trained speeded through matter, from Neptune to Mars, a slinky of half-turns
The train clinged to the rafters, linking the planets, bringing the campers to NASA for their earthling rapture—

The phone ringed until a human being answered: “Come down back to the Xing of the Flat Earth!”
The Dispatcher said there was some-thing on the platform—But, he couldn’t see beyond the cusp. . .
The windshield wiper was lodged with bugs, extraterrestrial pods struck the window like they were spawned to smudge
Donning cuffs and an Armani tux: Waiting on the platform, like The God For Us
Waiting to get on with the rush: He longed for the influx of people for Eons and months
Working above and beyond from dawn till dusk

it was Elon Musk

https://i.ibb.co/1XxKxw6/DA682-BEC-4...-CD9-BD921.jpg

mike:

dude this was cool you def fipped the topic.. you took out of this world i loved the terrain you painted and the dudes job.. i loved how descriptive you were with what your character does and what else is out there for his world.. i was dry and stale but yet so colourful because of how pretty it would be to ive in such a subtle world in anyway.. all in all the rhyme scheme was dope and the all round delivery was cool tight little piece..
prolly one of your best.. thanks

frank:

man what can i say trully beautiful the best piece i read all season.. im not a big fan of reading verses twice but that one was so pretty if im bored and around the way im a def go back over it and check twice.. i loved the story man the jupitor juniper berries thing and the depiction of space the train as its going through space and just how pretty the world look as the dude/conductor keeps going around enjoying his time in outter space.
cool story i think you did really well prolly 8/10.. i loved the structure of it to.. very original..

vote = frank

just an all .round good verses i think both peeps really brought their piece to the table.. gl

I thought Frank’s best moments operated at an upper echelon of Flow, swagger and unique delivery as usual. The multie syllabic rhyme scene back to back to back to back about the conductor being a genius etc was my favorite part of both verses. I’m not sure how a train would go from Uranus to the moon etc that would require rockets but let’s just explain that away as a rocket train. That still doesn’t work because dude is dressed for work today not a 3 month voyage to Pluto. Anyways, weird shit like aliens and flat earth, I feel like you might’ve focused a bit too much on flow and a fireworks display of rhyme scheme that the story itself grew increasingly convoluted and nonsensical. Either way, I enjoyed the verse for what it was.

Mike loved the story and scheme for what it was but let’s be real there’s some loopy shit here. You’re in space…on the moon, presumably with the ability to mine asteroids, Earth is in need of minerals!! So instead of mining trillions of pounds of iron, zinc, platinum, I don’t know moonrocks, gold, whatever the fuck else is out there, let’s… mine hundreds of babies on the moon and lose millions of dollars by sending the minerals of babies back to earth from the moon?? Lol. Ok well that aside, let’s do some suspension of disbelief (like I had to with Frank) and assume these are like, super babies. You know I always dig the neo-noir anti mega corporation vibe, brother. Then you got the dude killing himself everyday, or maybe not everyday, fucking a robot whore, & they’ll just clone him to keep killing babies?

I sound critical bc it’s a champ match & I expect greatness out of u two

As a stand-alone I’d probably prefer franks, but for a more topically relevant piece which hit the topic a little bit more realistically, though both were very unrealistic, mvgt mike wrecka. I get it, sci fi prompts are hard. Next time y’all should focus a bit more on realism in lieu of creativity, I felt like you both were hindered by the “too many options” aspect of sci fi topical prompts

V/ MW

Mike Wrecka

Seems like a literal take on the topic... which is fine, the pic is cool enough to justify it but there's so much potential here it still seems that a literal approach is not doing it justice... Hopefully you veer off course a little.

Cool flow and rhyme scheme to kick things off, but to me, this came at a cost of logical story progression. It's such a thin tightrope to walk I realize, and something I struggle with too... Should we impress lyrically or tell a compelling story? But I think the middle ground is the goal... and this just leaned too far into making words fit the rhyme scheme and not story/character development imo. At least in the beginning sections.

Don't get me wrong, what you're saying is still relevant and pushing the narrative along, and is fairly impressive to read. Technically sound. Although, I'm not entirely fond of this style and Frank's, the whole squeezing 2 bars into one approach... Too many commas and it's cheating the line limit... But this is an issue I will address further with Frank's because he REALLY pushed the limits... possibly to the point of a DQ. But we will get to that...

The ending was cool. Digging the whole clone angle... the 'big business in space' approach and how they make replaceable cyborgs. This dude is literally a cog in the wheel and he knows it, and this idea is capped off nicely by this line:

"in an elaborate twist, I’m told my work will continue after my death,
a clone of me will take over and then HE will have these regrets"

A clone that finds out he is a clone and knows he will never escape his job and will always have the same regrets inherently built into his mainframe because it's who he is... and always will be. It's quite the lost and defeated feeling and its portrayed nicely to the reader.

I said this was a literal take on the topic at the beginning but this ending switches things up nicely for me, creating a suitable narrative that is coupled with the strong technical rhyming on display.

Good stuff here man, you brought your best bars for this champ match and it shows. Kudos.

Frank

So the main issue I have here upon just glancing at this is the obvious length of this piece... Even taking into account your numerous lines crammed into one, trying to stretch out the limit, you are still over. There is just no way around that. I'm not going to sit here and allow someone to just say, "Well that's my style and it's just how I write, so..." No, there's a line limit in place for a reason. If I knew I could just cram four bars into two I never would've signed out and would've continued doing my 120 line pieces and calling it 60. But I'll put all this aside for now and address the piece at face value... because it certainly deserves it.

I've been throwing shots at Frank here left and right for weeks now, and it's for a reason... I HATE his style. I hate the amount of words he repeats and tries to play it off like it's all one fresh rhyme scheme. I hate his jagged presentation and downright stilted flow. He certainly is flashy with his words but it's like reading a robot after it implemented a bunch of connecting words into a rhyming simulator and subsequently spit out a bunch of garbled BS... It's designer wallpaper. Looks great to the untrained eye but it's still... fucking wallpaper. For example:

"Looking for a tune that was groovier: He shuffled the playlist, as the train switched: Rerouted & loopier
The outside of the train could’ve with-stood the boom of a nuclear"

Lines like these, although esthetically pleasing, just come off awkward and forced... and I'm not taking into account the added "explosion" afterward because that's just fixing your problem without a creative a solution to changing your rhyme scheme.

Look Franky, when your style works... it really works. You have immense highs and you are a really good writer with a wide range of impressive vicab, no doubt about it. But your style is stuck inside a box and wanting to get out, but you won't let it. You play it safe. You keep going back to the same well and taking water from it because it's all you know. It's a great well with a proven track record for clean water, but I don't see you progressing to indoor plumbing anytime soon.

"Eyes newer and pupilar"

Lines like this... like fuck off. At this point I was more annoyed than impressed and wanted out...

Aannnddd that's when it all changed for me...

This. Section. Was. FIRE:

"It would take the greatest mind of our last generation, to make that train of thought: a matter of patience
A virtue, the man had: in his bag and his case—as he panned the station—
The train coming faster than the*flash of illumination
The light at the end of the tunnel becoming a gamut of radiance: Light shining on the man, as he waited—uninhabited sapient—
The grayness of his slacks was like The AlienPlanning Invasion"

Dope as fuck BECAUSE you allowed your style to loosen slightly and gave it room to breathe.

Then you followed with...

"To Planet Uranus—metallic and stainless, the train left the yard, ascending the stars
The air pressure in the car was like holding your breath in a jar: twenty four hours
Seconds to start,
Breathing another breath: Doors shuttered and kept their oxygen levels from decompressing their heart
The air was heavy and sparse. He waited on the ledge, for the sparks, from the train to light up his fermented cigar
Smoke rings or just an interstellar mirage? The man wondered? As he checked his watch: heading for Mars
For the seminar: Over the celestial reservoir, Passengers traveled crossed-legged and armed"

This was fucking masterful and painted an amazing picture in our heads. THIS is the shit that floors people. THIS is why you can say, "I built this place" and I'll be okay with it. Just amazing.

You definitely kept the momentum going as the verse goes on but nothing quite reaches the heights of the aforementioned fantastic sections.

At one point your rhyming to "pedestrians poo" so you can see how the lows definitely stand out.

That said, I'm a huge outer space mark obviously so this is definitely scratching my itch. The topics this week were incredible and you've done the pic justice here. The Elon Musk reveal at the end however, felt a little tacked on. I think you thought of this while writing and maybe determined that it would be a nice way to end it and surprise people... which it did. But you really should've built towards this from the beginning to have maximum impact. Overall this was my favorite verse that I've seen from you... probably ever.

Now, the question of the line limit. I want to DQ you - I really do. But I think this piece deserves to win and I'm not going to stand in the way of that with something petty. But for me, I think you gain a huge advantage every week by cramming in multiple lines and calling it one... This wouldn't go down well if we battled and I would obviously want the same amount of time and leeway to tell my story within the style that I write.

But, for now... You wrote a great piece here.

Vote: Franklin

Mike Wrecka:
I don’t know where you’ve been hiding this all season, unsure if you’ve just finally shook the rust or just had a reason to go all out. I knew you had this type of writing in you but was blown away nonetheless. Loved your take on the topic, was a space dystopian tale but the only human character in it was really emotionally driven. Liked feeling his regret from participating in this program, his disdain for his involvement in it. The landscape was very descriptive and there were excellent multis that never felt forced and honestly felt like they tied each bar to the next in spectacular fashion. My favorite bit was here.

“here at the lab it’s like I’m always around a nurse, these androids are caring for babies that weigh a pound at birth,
they’re property of the corporation, born for only one purpose, to be fully dissected and have their minerals purchased,
and it’s my job to separate whats nutritionally worthless, from what’s profitable by mining their physical surface ,
this pitiful service , is performed on a daily basis, to maintain the earth lunar economic homeostasis,
this community’s an oasis, thats burgeoning with pilgrims, but the residents don’t know , that it’s funded by murdering children,
this facility produces hundreds of specimens a day, that are then quickly coated with a gelatin spray,
which makes it all the easier to have their skeletons splayed , stripped of nutrients , and sent off to Pelican Bay,”

To cap it off I loved the humanity of your piece, the story was engaging and isolating. Likes the twist where your character was only there because his genome was easily copied. This was dope man.

Frank:
This was really dope but I feel like you stumbled out of the gates, like Universe had said before me lines like “newer and pupilar” bothered me a lot, kind of took me away from the story you were telling to shake my head. Your style is at its peak when you can keep your rhyme scheme fresh and from repeating and from using ridiculous phrases like the one I mentioned before. I also agree with Uni that when your piece started to turnaround it really hit some sweet spots

“Red from afar: looking outside of their window at the brightness of Venus
The conductor walking down the aisle to greet us. Punching the ticket & putting it behind—with discreteness.
Yellow line of cement with Converse untied sneakers: The train side winded to reach us: Mesmerizingly Screechless
The conductor looked out, from his window, crusty-eyed and dreamless, towards the man: whose eyes looked wired and speechless
The train glided in seamless, like a fireless phoenix, as he analyzed his thesis with the mind of a genius at the height of his zenith
The breaks grinded, in sequence, tire-less, squeak-less. The environment was life less and tree less.”

Really liked this sequence. Liked the detailed journey through Space. I think you took a “straight” approach at this but I still liked the outcome of your story.

I thought Mike took a great approach at this, story was solid, rhyme schemes and Multis were phenomenal and from the jump just thought his flow was fluid. The progression went well and I was really able to follow the whole thing well, I really enjoyed it.

Frank stumbled a bit out of the starting line but once he regained his footing he never really looked back. Awesome story, super detailed descriptions of the environment and the whole thing was bundled together nicely.

I think the big takeaway this week is Frank is definitely human and beatable but I just think it’s hard to overpower him in just sheer skill and writing. I really liked Mikes piece but it may have not been an ambitious enough take to beat Frank IMO. So that being said

V /Frank