WEEK FIVE: BROKENHAL0 (2-2) vs OBJECTIVE (1-3) TIE
 

AOWL Season X WEEK FIVE

Verse Due: TUESDAY APRIL 26TH @ 11:59PM EST
@brokenhal0 @Objective

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

This week’s topics are song titles by my favorite band, The Wonder Years.

Topic:
“THE OCEAN GREW HANDS TO HOLD ME”


GOOD LUCK

“THE OCEAN GREW HANDS TO HOLD ME”

Transcending trade winds needles and threads haberdashery
look through your drawers ; while you sleep in your bed
in the fourth dimension the future grows like seedlings in a garden
with no respect I catch and release a 500 pound marlin;
the prophet on the sailboat ; the navy seal that didn't make hell week
for whom the bell toll's wrapped in hotel sheets
flaring your elbows throwing right crosses
the firefighter who lost his life, survived by 5 orphans , light scorching
in the light of more serious events we threw toxic waste off the flank
in the rise fish mutate with giant heads , I will disperse a giant net
see when your a hopeless pirate vet ; who has to dumb it down to dire threats
and the drums of rum run low and supplies are less
with one eye I see inside instead I get seasick for one week
and don't sleep until I find a bed ; drop the anchor the shorelines ahead
the quiet quest I arrived at the dock and walked up spire steps
coconut trees shelter the seagulls lady's with tanned skin walk the beach in Rio
sweating like a poached trout I seen a smoke cloud we got company
With a scimitar the size of a giant skeleton
I cut down bamboo trees and the trunk of a dying elephant
with my scimitar the size of a giant pelican I searched the whole town
for the vial element inherited by lunatics with cyber intelligence
Arabian killers raiding the villa's I let my parrot out the cage he understands
100 languages and can see from miles away 2 hours later he arrived said
in the favela's the dark sage hides in a cave praise the living vial glowing in radium cadence
entombed in a black cube oasis organic spaceships made of petrified silica
I teleported instantly using the magic language of instinctual slang algebra
at the caves entrance I swung at bats flying from hiding places like batting cages
night goggles see in silent spaces tubifex worms feeding in damp river riboflavin
looking like congealed ectoplasm ; stuck in some space place ; in a cave drain call it the waste lake
walls are closing in and I can see my breathe I can feel the chills fingers numb I know it's real
walking through spinning webs I scratch my flesh picking silk translucent like spoiled milk
slipping on bed rock I hit my head getting up I hear running rhythmic steps
then a sudden vile shriek out of nowhere the sage swung his spear and it cut my eye and cheek
just then I shift into monkey pose with a mantis strike I gave him a bloody nose
pulled out my scimitar that's when we froze the black cube exploded
and the vial spoke
'' Thy child I'm the ocean and the sky
Thy child I'm the moment when you die
Thy child I'm everything you loved in life
every element on every plane in the poetry of reality we are all the same
war is fought for better but like those before you behold the splendor''
for that small moment my scimitar disrupted the force field like a iron genie
Rikers island chefs add 10 spice packs to ramen ; A spike in diabetes
I swung at the vial with the force of behemoth ; to my surprise the scimitar exploded into a thousand pieces
like a peacock sparks are flying in brilliant colors; I feel my conscious shift as I slowly recovered discovered
I blacked out on the beach only to wake up next Monday , should have never ate ten 8ths of fungi...

Too much for one guy who will take all your pills ; the one guy who supports oil spills
killed most the coral life now I'm seeing ghost like Coraline ;
my tears taste like sweat ; you're my favorite pet
the parrot on the captains shoulder ;speaks 10,000 words
have him fly ahead and report any enemy ships that's abroad ;
tactics of war , Valiant Thor , cannons shoot from valley to shore
maritime law, gimme a raft ill paddle some more , sovereign sailing
tsunamis represent metaphors for doctored feelings , love wins in the end
darkness has set upon the hearts of men
I'm the eye that seas the sky reflecting the brightest oceans
I'm the tide that keeps a sunfish floating like a giant totem
at a mountain coast land a nomad is getting water boarded
at the moment he shouts 'Allah'' his faith allows him to ignore the choking
the embarrassment of getting beheaded on TV , heaven on earth
the catcher of the rye the timid turning werewolf the twinkle in your eye
Known for shootin' down derelicts while they pumping breaks at yield signs
I still terrorize the homeless shelter,asking random strangers for cigarettes
Drunk off the blood of 60 virgins ; happily swim with crocodiles in Bangladesh
the ocean is lonely and so am I ; so I drown myself slowly ; a gargled goodbye..

@brokenhal0 you wanna give @Objective the extension if he doesn’t show or just take the W? Haven’t heard from him all week

“THE OCEAN GREW HANDS TO HOLD ME”

In full storm I stand alone on the diving board at the pier.
Thinking and sinking in thought with no fear, as if it was the norm:

My body floating in open water, bloated.
Soaked with contempt, if there's a poet;
he wrote it.

Most ignore subsurface souls contorted.
Indoor socialization left my person waterboarded.
Bottled Institutionalized wonder, animosity killed the cat
with self inflicted wounds that spilled the batch.
Alarm clocks slumber, like: I don't need your number.
Correction... "You're", and comma after "need",
and add the sweet underscore.
Forget all that, I tend to blunder "yore".
You:Sea.
I ventured past the aftermath that laughter has
with the see-through deep blue bastards mask.
Surfing waves of real dynamic connections
trying to keep my head above water.
Titanic self-reflection bring such an awkward thing-
ordering empathy while snorkeling society
wondering which pitchforks they'll bring to reality.
Poseidon, your rich words are king.

Gusts catch my navy blue North Face jacket of size,
the hood tightly embrace my dome and halfway cover my eyes.
Strong winds do not deafen the violent waves
as they break their momentum on rocks.
Shocked I see that weather is not my enemy in this.
Trying not to lose balance, I reminisce:

Under clear skies and a scorching sun
I've seen the crystal clear waters of the wonderful Red Sea-
In Dahab where sea life's more colorful than confetti.
Comforting light beige sand and a Lionfish lingering
with its poison touch among mingling seaweed.
My body drifts freely above submerged cliffs
with dark mysteries of what's beneath,
where deepwater fish are practically blind and got razor sharp teeth.
The current shifts-
dragging me down with breathtaking scenery.
A sole clown fish teetering between the gifts
given by coral reefs and underwater greenery.
At last I flounder along the bottom,
and my friends are out of sight.

No more Red Sea,
just the Norwegian ocean of might.
I stand on the edge in full storm. Rain and wind howl.
Scrounging for 2 cents, a strong breeze reply with a growl.
Waves roar with foam towards exposed rock,
soaring powerful thoughts enclosed shut.
Is this death?
I suppose,
not.

On this edge
I see my future.
What it'd look like if I let it float
bloated with contempt.

Fiction, he wrote. Italic for style points.
Convinced life force is a body of water.

I'm home now. Here. Slender and slim.
The deep blue sea kept me afloat,
and taught me how to swim.

This was something else.. I guess this subject is not my cup of tea by any means. It was grueling to go through these verses. I might have to read these a couple more times to actually give a vote. But it seems like objective is edging out broken so far upon my first read. Seems to have a better flow and more engaging narrative than Halo. Let's see if I have more time to come back in here and give her more detail breakdown.

brokenhal0:

This was a trip... but one I enjoyed. Your flow is all over the place and everything you write is like taking some LSD to the reader, but if you can get into the vibe it's actually pretty fun. There's some cool moments in here and your word choices and vocab seem to be getting better. You're a smart dude, but you're also out there and can get easily lost and consumed by your own thoughts. Some more pre-planning about the narrative of your piece and some added focus and you'll continue to improve as a writer.

Good stuff though. Enjoyable.


Objective:

This was a nice return to form. It was a short piece in length, and I wanted more... But the depth to this was something that really stood out. The wording was better, elegant even at times. I connected with this piece more... I think everyone will. hal0's style doesn't really allow for any personal connection, while yours certainty does. WHEN it works.

So although it wasn't long enough, it made up for it by going deeper. It's just, I felt short changed by it after reading hal0's verse, which, although bloated at times, left me feeling full after reading it. In a good way.... Ugh.

So I ask myself, what's more valuable? A piece packed with content but a little lost in narrative? Or a more focused piece, but one that only scratches the surface of its potential?

This is truly a tough call... Ummm...

Vote: Objective

I don't know man, I could've gone either way because it just seemed like Objective's verse was so light compared to hal0's... but I think depth (not length) and narrative HAS to win in a topical.

But it was so close.

Halo,
Man you have such a phenomenal raw talent with vivid imagery that invokes all the senses, an excellent vocabulary, and some good rhymes to boot. Sometimes your writing is too random for me and I start to find it a chore to get through the whole verse but this wasn’t the case so much this week. I think you did much better here than in previous verses in terms of building on what was said from line to line rather than just skipping around from one colorful descriptor to another. I mean it was still a lot of that but it was a bit more tied together than other verses have been. I wish you would use some punctuation though. Most of your lines are screaming out for it and it would help the micro level coherence so much. More than that though I wish you would apply these considerable talents of yours into a writing a narrative or theme that builds from start to finish and be a little less scattered conceptually. Maybe that’s not what you want to do and that’s fine, do you… but that’s what would elevate your verses to from mid to top tier for ME. But anyway, I really enjoyed reading your verse this week. Solid showing.


Objective,
This was the best I’ve read from you. Definitely the most finished/polished feeling piece. A dude contemplating a watery suicide but deciding against it, cool cool. I liked all the water based metaphor in the first italicized section, and the descriptors in the Red Sea section painted a vivid image. This was some good writing on display. The way you structured this made the rhymes a little hard to catch at times but they were there. Thought this was pretty dope.

It’s close but ultimately I’m more impressed with Objective’s writing here. Not as lively and colourful as Halo’s but his lines all worked together to build a narrative and an emotional connection.

V/ Objective

Ahoy Mates!

A true battle, mates! Yeah? What-a-whirlwind clash here, between vastly different poet/pirates: duking it out on the open seas, for a treasurable victory. What it all boiled down to, for me, is, what boat took me for a greater journey? Gilligan or The Skipper? Blackbeard (Broken Halo) or Jack Sparrow (Objective). Because while one Pirate/Poet teeter tottered on the stream of consciousness, the other Pirate/Poet appeared to be manning the deck and scanning the depths! I will have to re-read it again now, to figure out who had the greater correlation to the topic.

Broken Halo

The End. Take a look now @Broken Halo

Objective


Overall, I probably will not breakdown battles, like this, again, unless I feel absolutely compelled to, because I don't want to spend more time critiquing their verses, than they spent writing them. All in all, I could easily come up with a generic, thoughtless vote without explaining (mentioning superficial shit) and I could easily dismiss these guys efforts, as, utter rubbish, but, that wouldn't help anyone, including myself, and especially, and certainly wouldn't help out the league.
After reading some of the votes of my own battle, I could imagine how someone would feel apathetic continuing just to be subjected to mindless shallow minded critique: that doesn't encourage or inspire the writers or voters to continue to get better and elevate. Even on this battle, the voters haven't been constructive or analytical enough. The voters prior to my vote, were just going through the motions, and it didn't do themselves, yourself, or anyone else any justice. Unfortunately, that's the case with 64 plus line epic verses, its usually a case of voters having to enjoy vs endure.
I didn't want to sell you guys short, but this vote has already taking up way too much of my time.
I got broken halo winning by a bar-nacle.

Mods let me know if you need further explanation!

@Objective At first glance I seen that your piece is going to be a more solid piece to read in terms of flow and mechanics, however I kind of left off on your piece wondering the point in all this because the storytelling was lacking it just feels like a more abstract piece, which is cool but there still has to be a point and tie ins, the flow is the strongest point and the ease of read structure wise so much I read this before your opponents.

@Brokenhalo I like to keep my line length somewhere arounnd the same, it's all over the place and throws me off so you lost stylistic points in the beginning before I ever read it, mechanically the rhyming and story telling is on point, and I feel like you had a clear path more than your opponet, which I got from his there was really no path, I think this will depend on the voters mood on who wins this, I liked your multies also and how you weaved them in unpredictable places instead of traditionally having them at the end of the line.

This is a tough one, mechnically speaking objective had a verse that was easier to read, but I can't ignore the writing aspect when it comes to storytelling, and I think that is where broken excelled, this was a good battle, but I'm going to give my vote to brokenhalo.