WEEK FOUR: DOMINATE (3-0) vs MASTER ROCK (2-1) DOM WINS 4-0
 

AOWL Season X WEEK FOUR

Verse Due: TUESDAY APRIL 19TH @ 11:59PM EST
@Dominate @Master Rock

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:
“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine." - Casablanca, 1942




GOOD LUCK

Good luck MR!

Same Dom!

I told her right at the start – I couldn’t do love if I tried.
We’d have fun for a time, but then there’d be others after her.
A odd kind of bachelor, I was what she’d been hunting to find.
She was younger - an amateur. Beauty unassuming and modest.
I’d been a long time in a dark place. Her touch drew me from it.
She whispered her desire. At first, so tentative and awed.
I brought her fantasies to life. She reveled in my charms.
And in the elementary warmth of a glowing lamp, holding hands
I felt the flicker of possibility… Of hope… Of chance…
But long nights turned to long days, and days became weeks.
She began to rub me the wrong way. I grew impatient to leave.
She wanted more from me. Inevitably, they all did.
She asked and she asked, searching for words I wouldn’t find fault with.
But solitude was my constant. And the bottom of a bottle.
It was time for our story’s third act. The argument was awful.
She couldn’t understand. And as she grasped for an answer
Tearfully she marvelled at my detached, dispassionate manner -


“I wish I was like you.”


“I wish I was like you.” - I’ll never forget how she uttered the line.
Sullen. Resigned. While her eyes accused me of cowardice.
I never felt so acutely as powerless as when that chaos flooded my mind.
It was sudden and violent. She never struggled or cried.
I hit her with a terrible force - never before had I summoned its kind.
In a thunderous silence, her body thrashed and shuddered and writhed,
twisting like a grotesque contortionist in the midst of a stuttering light.
It was… a metamorphosis. A second coming of life.
Mortal to indentured sorceress… No more telling her she wasn’t my type.
And as our physical forms dissolved I saw the horror erupt in her eyes.
And the vessel I was bound to sputtered and sucked us inside.
And she raged and she howled and screamed curses up to the skies,
til her voice grew raw and rasping and she said that she wanted to die.
But I couldn’t indulge a death wish, or grant her another besides,
and like I told her right at the start – I couldn’t do love if I tried.
So we exist in uncomfortable silence, passing nothing but time.
Ethereal, our fates entwined. Waiting for someone to find.
It could have been another. I lose days to wondering why -
of all the Djinn joints in all the world, she had to come into mine.

This was a cool battle, pretty easily the BOTW imo. The character development and depth of the verse goes to dom. Good writing tells you more than the sum of its nouns, adjectives and verbs - it paints a picture that gives you layers of implied nuance by giving you information that begs for you to play detective and imagine. Dom did that, I liked the first part more than the second…not to say it wasn’t good, it’s just some shit that happens when you write. Being the astute alcoholic undergrad college dropout student that I am, I googled djinn to refresh and deepen my understanding, I thought it was a dope flip since djinn are supposedly spirits that accept or deny god and can be either evil or good (wikipedia). Your verse read closer to something like a banshee imo, but whatever. I’m not nitpicking like, the etymology of middle eastern spirit myths used for an off the cuff topical battle. Master Rock I liked the verse. I see a trend of alliteration for alliteration’s sake which is kind of a detriment to your otherwise solid opening. Using multiple D words is cool if you do it smooth and create meaning and add mysterious effect, I just wasn’t feeling your seemingly haphazard adjective-adverb-adverb combo. There were some great concepts in there (shadows consuming the compliance of your disdain), it’s just worded somewhat awkwardly, but I assume you are alluding to your schadenfreude and your conflict with it. Man chiseled cracks chip line was cool but not like original cool, more like blase cool. I feel like I’m being a dick here but I really did see potential in your verse which is why I’m sort of, I guess egging you on to tighten shit up so you can make a run for the title. Hellfire vixen was a cool descriptor but you could’ve followed it up better like more than just biting her lip and her eyes wide with excitement. Tell us why. Develop the characters more. Create more complexity brother…you have talent it’s just time to take it to the next level.

V/ Dominate

Gotta love Adverse dropping a Casablanca quote lol.

Aussie Osborne:

I was thrown off at the start with the rhyme scheme because it's not what I'm used to seeing from you, but once I got what you intended I was cool with it... but like, just a little bit.

Okay back to normal lol. Thank god. You're building something up here and I'm not sure what, but I like it.

"I never felt so acutely as powerless as when that chaos flooded my mind.
It was sudden and violent. She never struggled or cried.
I hit her with a terrible force - never before had I summoned its kind.
In a thunderous silence, her body thrashed and shuddered and writhed,
twisting like a grotesque contortionist in the midst of a stuttering light.
It was… a metamorphosis. A second coming of life."

Yikes. This whole metamorphosis section is dope af... I could literally picture this scene in my mind as it played out before me. Mark of a great writer.

And then you kept the rhyme scheme going to the conclusion, ending with the Djinn reveal. Wow. So good man. I love this wordplay connection and how you just ran with it. Cleverrrr...

Another great piece my dude.


Master Rock:

Starts out long-winded and kind of stays there... Weird. Imagery is cool but some more editing was needed. Missing some cohesiveness in your lines... just general word choices were off at crucial points... like ending a bar.

"hoping they won't detect the clues
from the rage of this passion that erupted by the lit of a fuse"

- lit of a fuse? Sorry bud, I always detect the clues... I know what you were going for though but I shouldn't have to interpret during the flow of a verse.

Yeahhh... It feels like you're trying to be deep instead of actually, you know... BEING it. AND this is getting even more long-winded as we go... it's becoming tornado-ish.

"the blackness of the clouds covers the night as it storms I listen for the thunder to commend I'm scorned
a flash rumbles I hear the crack as I wander into darknesses descend worn"

- You've been spending too much time with Candy bud...

A better effort was definitely needed here against Dominate. You are capable of competing but it takes a commitment from you that you're not always willing to take on. (Time constraints don't sway me - We all have those)

Dom asserts his dominance once again.

Vote: Dominate

Overall: Both writers had emotional stories that were solid as far as the content is concerned. It's engaging and kept me interested, the pace is good and I wanted to know how it all played out from the get go while reading both pieces. The execution of the writing was kind of meh, the use of the topic as a closure kind of lazy but the stories show a lot of promise for what's to come if they keep working and perfecting their craft further.

Master Rock had a good story going of love, passion, cheating, deceit and heartfelt motions throughout. The execution of certain lines/sections and so on were a bit jumbled to me, but lines like "I reap grimly as an executioner delivering a soul to send" got me wondering where tf this sudden form of excellence to paint an emotional picture came from. That was great.

Dominate had a pretty great showing as well but I think removing filler words here and there, adding a bit more creativity in the wording of certain lines to reduce repetition and perhaps the adding of names to his characters would have benefitted his verse further by a lot. In the end I was entertained by what was presented and will look forward to see him grow further.

Vote: Dominate for a cleaner and solid verse overall. Could have went to Master Rock with a bit more punctuation and polishing some lines that either came off a bit jumbled, or stretched. Enjoyed the read and the battle as a whole, cool stuff with some inspiring lines here and there.

Stay at it and keep the pen flowing.

Had a long, drawn out response to this battle but it got deleted. Here’s the gist of it though

Dom continues to surprise, every week he has something new for us, and it’s not so much of a evolution as much as it is an unveiling of a little bit more of the arsenal every week. The whole djinn/gin flip was so obvious that it was really surprising you know? Like it’s right there but I don’t think many people would have went in that direction and I liked the way you dialed up the imagery and descriptiveness here. It all felt like your average love lost story and then BAM the whole body horror scene happens and you’re left as the reader like uhh wtf is going on?! But it works so well and I was just impressed through and through with your piece. It was told so technically sound and had such a great flow to it. Dope stuff Dom you’re a formidable matchup for anyone here.

Rock:
You did your thing as well and the first half of your verse was much in the vein as Dominates but the second half seemed like things started to slow down, the rushed MR started to show up as he has so many times, I understand under the circumstances definitely but to beat a verse like your opponent’s you need to come with something out of this world. I think you took the path most traveled topic wise and didn’t really take any chances. The writing talent is there but you were out sparred here. Hope you can find some more time to flesh it out next week, you’ll definitely be in talks for championship bouts.

V/Dom