Netcees - "A Precious Thing..." by King Soule

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- - "A Precious Thing..." by King Soule (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=149499)

"A Precious Thing..." by King Soule

"Would you like another glass of wine, my dear?"

Her composition, a plush cherry,
and if I listen, her pulse carries.

Her dress barely above her breasts, I'll confess, my soul wanders,
to taste her, like one possessed... my desires repressed no longer.
I grew tired, a cold monster, near a decade without a warm meal,
her Orange heels tap the floor, she asks for more, a glass is poured.
She grasps the stem and tilts it back, licks her lips and grins with class,
"tell me, Count..." she begins a sentence but I admit her hips distract.
My wit, collapsed, I cringe and gasp, she notices and is quick to laugh.
Her hopelessness is sick and sad, if only she knew what I have in store.
She dances her way onto my lap and wraps her arms around me,
I take the strings of her corset as she forfeits her flesh proudly.

My intentions, indulged,
this animalistic impulse...

Her moans, an angelic hymn, vibrating within my brain,
and how she rolls her pelvis sends me into a divine state.
If I could rewind fate, this may have been a romantic night,
but I drive my fangs through her veins, ignoring her frantic cries.
Almost like a tantric high, every sense is amplified,
covering her manic eyes, her fingertips rip at mine.
Though I wish we could thrive, such a myth is a lie,
her tears begin to dry along with every inch of her life.
She whimpers and whines, "please, my lord, I don't wish to die..."
as she begins to wither, I deliver one final surprise.

Remorse? Or mercy?
Her warmth's enduring.

"Tell me, my love, do you wish to see life with angel's wings?
To never suffer from another disease as long as you can feed?
I offer immortality, neither dead nor alive, you'll feel like a dream,
to roam the land a queen of the damned, such a precious thing."
She contemplates her options, coughing through the pain,
this goddess seems mundane, sobbing, confused and drained.
"My lord, if you spare me, I'll walk to the end by your side,
I'll defend your pride and shell you from the men you despise.
Take me as your bride, and I vow to shower you with love,
to empower you enough, my prince of darkness, my Dracula.

You catch the essence of Dracula really well in this one. His poise, seduction and so on. Endearing to read but keeps you at the edge of your seat until he finally has her soul and body in his grasp. I enjoyed the first stanza the best, then third and the mid kinda fell a little bit short at times.

Nitpicking but the repetition of "her" was used quite a lot in the mid section and became a bit redundant to me. Even though it is a basic word I would still be wary of repetition in this regard. Thought you circumvented that really well in this portion of your piece:

I offer immortality, neither dead nor alive, you'll feel like a dream,
to roam the land a queen of the damned, such a precious thing."
She contemplates her options, coughing through the pain,
this goddess seems mundane, sobbing, confused and drained.
^dopeness

Really enjoyed the break up between each stanza, the tone and imagery of the piece as a whole is fresh. Intro quote sets the mood, first lines of the first stanza gets the atmosphere going and keeps it up to the end. Nice use of multies, flows well and you pay close attention to syllable counts in a poetic way. Good stuff for sure, enjoyed the read.

This shit was fuckin gay fuck u

it honestly saddens me a bit that you're still not good at writing.

that ain't right.

Remind me again, exactly how does ones wit “collapse”?

this was the best stuff!!

esp the breast line - i had to stop there - it was getting too good.

better than any @Eŋg verse 100 facts bro

my soul wanders no longer,
no bother the way i flow lava,
this shit a wrap, my wit collapsed,
possibly contest's mismatched,
that quality content intact,
give daps. retract ya fist fast,
you ain't used to the contact,
inhaling some fumes from the cognac,
most rhymes i produce: bombast,
you can't clash with a calm cat
moving in a different dimension,
your claim to fame a twittering mention,
type presence have you quiver in deference
and hushed tones: whisper's sibilant,
-- my quiver infinite,
call me chiron, the icon,
run up on you when the light's gone.

@Pakistani Hand Cannon this is cypher thread now

bloodfiiire

run up on you with the lights on

all you see it flashes
watts the voltage i should strike on?
fuck a warning, iont like mongs
thunder bolting off the right arm - godly!
smote him, oddly bodly summersaulting
buthcyah life gone...now work for it
language invert - how pertinent
the insane sound virtuous
loud, in a crowd, by themselves?
inner hounds, bout of nervousness
odd enough, heart - pussy
but make sure it sound hard enough
walked in gods house with your arms out
armoured up & found tartarus
how turbulent, smoke. the loud - verduous
my style in impervious
layers down i lay it tdown
talk to you layers down
get chalked on sacred grounds
i stoke the flame around hades -
who holds the chains around cerberus
..dont talk on letting canines loose
plus watch who you talkin saline tooo
getchya shape shifted tryna play aku
awwh push me, allah with me its all goody
velour hoody, adidas sweats, palladium boots
some bloodsuckin muhfuckuzzz
looking for a vein on who?
one hellbow knock your muthuckin canines loose
next one gethcya skull bust, wonderous!
pakistani hand cannon speak thunderous
....muthafuckin ebullient!!!!!!!

the clap of thunder fun to us,
close range my zone flame:
hunter tuck the blunderbuss,
wake you from the slumberous
dungeons sunken under us,
you ain't shit - we ancient,
we ain't kin,
you aliens. planetary synapse,
panicking: the mind lapsed,
insanity the typecast,
attacking what you might lack,
get your amygdala hijacked,
you handing me the mic back,
man actually don't like that.
need nothing but my vocal organ,
you call up on your local lawmen,
how you tryna go to war then?
on your doorstep the fervour's spent,
bring light like the so-called fallen,
i'm pulling down the firmament
or is it the earth's ascent?
word to the Earth, i said,
what's your worth? i sense hesitation,
that's cool, there's always work ahead,
i don't have the best of patience,
just a blessed pen and paper,
when i tell expel a quasar.

this nigga king souls got a gaydar
something something feint heart
graveyard...thats the shit!
collapsed his wit! classic shit!
im a muthafuckin maverick!

could've carried on

your first verse though

i did cuzz

you were feeling the presh from the excellence of that gaydar line? lol

nawh i was gonna, but i wouldve been forcing it at the time i read it - so i allowed it

you got it