WEEK SIX: MR. J 3-2 vs FRAZE 1-0 FRAZE WINS
 

AOWL Season IX WEEK SIX

@Mr. J @fraze

Verse Due: THURSDAY JANUARY 7TH @ 11:59PM


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:
https://i.ibb.co/wrz4JTy/45473-E3-C-...91196-B1-A.jpg


GOOD LUCK

check please

@Mr. J you around?

I'm here, I'll drop tonight unless @fraze wants an ext

Yeah I might need the ext.

Mans saddest fate is sealed without a handshake
Trapped without out escape in this desolate landscape
Trail traced through sand then erased as the wind breaks
Whispered secrets encased in the deserts embrace

Path of a nihilist, painted without scenic environment
Retracing steps erased in place, we can’t accept without denying it
Can’t imply I’m going places. Just forward towards no oasis.
Hope’s a hokie joke with devils blowing smoke inside our faces.

Step, trudge. Step, trudge… One foot after the next one.
Then suddenly... step into nothing. Don’t know what I’m on the edge of.
Catching my breath ain’t suggested, less I want my demons to catch up.
Been close to the ledge so long, only thought in my head is just ‘jump’.

Leap of the faithless, unbelieving atheist without a cape
In a single bound, found I was falling down without a break
Seconds ticking til I feel my sense of distance must be broken
This endless ocean giving me the sinking feeling that I’m floating

A solitary ship set adrift in eyes the deepest hue of blue
Waves of emotion cover me when I see you
This strange affliction. In your eyes I see the same addiction.
Don’t have to read your mind. Mine has the same inscription

Falling....
Starlight in your eyes is brighter than Orion is
Falling...
Crossing out of bounds. I don’t where the line is
Falling...
Ravaged by this savage bliss, love is lioness
Open hearts intertwined like gods receiving Mayan gifts

When did I enlist in the fleet your smile commanded?
It isn’t fair, but had me frantic as a child abandoned
Young and dumb in love. Running round with wild abandon
Too smart to listen and too grown to learn it second handed

Went from falling, to crawling, to bawling at home,
Left with melancholic memories haunting my poems.
A distant echo rings, she used to call up my phone,
Love is just a pitfall when you fall in alone.

https://i.ibb.co/wrz4JTy/45473-E3-C-...91196-B1-A.jpg

She said let your lust hang out, we walk the same route
Judgement clouded by cocaine snouts, champagne droughts
Dreams of rain clouds, blueprints that left her face down
Brainstorming, plans laid out on sheets and 8 towels...
Mumblings that made vowels but no sense came around
Guard and her shame sound different from the lay crowd..
Her brain is now advanced in how to change blame, doubt.
She claims ground over anyone who tries to parade proud.
Once the same clown who would make one exchange loud
As shots rang out she would return em quick, bang, pow....
Click, clank, wow...after several years this chick changed now.
From ideal mother, to "I deal" fucker, a once ideal lover...
Now concealing uppers, downers and appealing to cluckers
She might seal you under if ever the deals a blunder.
Get the 9, wield and confront ya, pull the steel and dump ya.
In a ravine, alleyway or ditch, this is what her typical Saturday is
Her manners may have slipped as she grabs and lays bricks
Her grammar, same shit while she plans to say "bitch!"
Bruises and scrapes, cuts and tats that remain with....
But damn man..she stay thick with those years steady calling for her.
Maybe that's why after all these years I'm still falling for her..

https://i.ibb.co/wrz4JTy/45473-E3-C-...91196-B1-A.jpg

fraze:

God. Fucking. Damn. This is the kind of verse that I look for every week. Creative, technically sound and with a good story behind it. I LOVED this, man. Read it twice right away. You sort of remind of a fresh Scar when he wrecked shop in the GWL earlier this year... You have THAT type of potential. I felt your skills were slept on in the NBL but that won't happen here - This is where good writing has a home. And you, my friend, are a terrific writer.

Opening section was decent and set the tone for the piece, although it was probably the weak point of the verse... But it just kept getting better.

"Path of a nihilist, painted without scenic environment
Retracing steps erased in place, we can’t accept without denying it
Can’t imply I’m going places. Just forward towards no oasis.
Hope’s a hokie joke with devils blowing smoke inside our faces."

- This is dope af. My eyes really opened here.

"Step. Trudge. Next one" bar was simple but done well and effective.

"This endless ocean giving me the sinking feeling that I’m floating"

- ^^ This may be LOTB right here.

"Falling" scheme was nice too. And you followed it with...

"Open hearts intertwined like gods receiving Mayan gifts"

- Yikes. So good.

Perfect ending too. This is hands down verse of the week for me and one of my favs overall so far this season. I'm ranting and raving, I know lol... but I loved this piece in every way. Amazing stuff, man. Bravo.


Mr. J:

Flow is nice as always. Multi's are hitting. But unfortunately what is standing out here in the beginning is kind of "forced" multi's, in terms of being true to the syllable count yet sacrificing clearer wording. I fall victim to this all the time bro myself, so I notice it. It's a tough line to walk when you are trying to be technically proficient and yet make sense at the same time.

Loved this part though:

"In a ravine, alleyway or ditch, this is what her typical Saturday is
Her manners may have slipped as she grabs and lays bricks
Her grammar, same shit while she plans to say "bitch!"
Bruises and scrapes, cuts and tats that remain with...."

- This is fucking impressive in a lot of ways, but mostly JUST from a technical standpoint. Wasn't really saying too much but damn if it wasn't nice to read.

I think this was a good verse J, but it wasn't at the level of what fraze did here. You win with this more times than not but you ran into a monster here that you most likely didn't see coming. So, great effort, and a very enjoyable battle but this is fraze's moment.

Vote - fraze

Dope battle, I'm really digging the different takes on the subject.
fraze you painted a lovly picture.The color and imagery really stood out in a powerful way. You took this subject and brought a lot of ideas with it. Dope verse.
Mr.J always rocks it. I also dig the opener coming from left field (the drugged induced journey to open was quite clever). This was wild take on how deep ones heart will go for a wild one that will lead you to your own demise.

Both of these verses were on point either way you look at it. But this is a sleeper hit when you consider Frazes abstract dimension takes you on a journey showing you many things along the way to end it with love's pitfall.


. I am giving it to Fraze.

Fraze
First half and second half of this are wildly different. With the first part being general ennui and the second half relating to a love, or lost love.

So my only critique is that it's not cohesive throughout, but that's not to say it's not a good piece.

Some quotable lines in here. Actually a lot of quotable rhymes. It almost seems like they were written beforehand and sprinkled in. (Not saying they WERE, said it SEEMS like they were).

Thought the "Falling..." stanza was a little cheesy or cliche.
Strong ending stanza though.

Good work.

Mr.J

Good multies, thought the 8 towels was a little forced though

This verse didn't change my life. It was packed with rhymes and developed a character. But I guess I'm looking for something more. Perhaps your past verses and successes have ingrained a high standard in me when I read you.

Closer is a bit of a surprise as you personalize the verse and say you're still falling for her.

Good verse, but I have fraze winning this, mainly by going into more depth.