Netcees - WEEK SIX CONTENDER MATCH: OBJECTIVE 2-2 vs SCAR 2-0 SCAR WINS

Netcees (http://netcees.org/index.php)

- AOWL Season 9 archives (http://netcees.org/forumdisplay.php?f=302)

- - WEEK SIX CONTENDER MATCH: OBJECTIVE 2-2 vs SCAR 2-0 SCAR WINS (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=146623)

WEEK SIX CONTENDER MATCH: OBJECTIVE 2-2 vs SCAR 2-0 SCAR WINS

AOWL Season IX WEEK SIX

@Objective @Scar

Verse Due: THURSDAY JANUARY 7TH @ 11:59PM

Line min: 10

Max: 60

Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:
https://i.ibb.co/c2xJW73/02-D362-DF-...-ED0-D6-D5.jpg

GOOD LUCK

I will show but personally I don't think I would count it as such, I'm writing just for the sake of writing. Auto-pilot with no real direction, wherever the almost broken down Tesla tells me to go. I'll get back in it soon enough though, this slump ain't forever

Edit: @Scar Good thing you ain't me then. I never intend to be a no-showing bitch for no reason. I don't got it in me, Scar. We're different when it comes to this.

Auto extension boys, drop by Friday night please @Scar @Objective

Yes sir. I will drop 8 mins to midnight. @Objective if I was you I’d just no show pal

What resides within "survive"
besides body, flesh and meat?

I try to BE.
Try to see, reflect and speak to Self's hipocrisy honestly.
Logic over emotion, such artistry crave moves moved cautiously.
Unlearn language, that's when being real is truthful,
true to you's you, just turn, then you can use "U".
Yet,
to let myself strip naked is what thinking has stooped to.
Glued to this notion of leaving consciousness open.
So much
That my heart has been broken by erosion of being as anxiousness' token,
my joke has been stolen; the anti-thesis to why God hasn't spoken.
Feel like escaping to Poland
for finding meaning in movies by Nolan.
I rip conclusions to pieces, solutions decieving
confused with believing there's hope within dope cus a moment to cope is so freeing.
Actions turn smoke into seeing the clouds in my eyes,
if this hits on a personal level I won't exhale a heartfelt surprise.
We're just in the process of dealing with no answers to life.
Yo...
I need reality's touch to set the scene before entering,
cus it's pestering and feels threatening to take account of everything.
So,
I tell myself this when it's settling:
Who said life isn't wary, clearly unfair and endearing,
so why are you fearing the depths that you're nearing?
I dare you to mute the blindfolded sneering.
Then seek out the clearing and thinking of which,
where you turn off your wimping and flip on the switch.

“Scorpio”

Brain surveyed the terrain. It was a flat land with few vantage points.
In the distance were plateaus possibly two-hundred feet high and conjoined
At the base. “Over there, men, he pointed
A Calvary of armored men. With swords, charging the land, victory or death is the mission
The basic rule of war: secure the best position.

Heart and his band of merry men, rummaged the jungle.
Some of death some stumbled
Clad in rainbow armors they stood out like ultimate warrior in a royal rumble
Long hair draped their shoulders as much hair flip was done
Among this troop was Scorpio
A rather short fellow but his strength was elsewhere
His belch of war was legendary. He once rescued 30 fallens while weak and weary
He always had this pouch with him. Nobody knows whats in it
The protected it. Never left it behind, still untouched

Brain spotted the enemy. They laid death traps around the plateau
Clad in gold, to reflect the sun’s ray to blind the heart troops
They were quite clever. Plusthe vantage offered them the luxury
To survey the peaks and valleys of the terrain. The spotted bumbling team
All colorful, trying to hind behind the dust and trees.

Brain, grinned a presupposed victory as his men dug ditches
Sticking out of the ground were sharpened sticks
While the troops atop collected rocks and stones
Much were known about the enemy.
Brain did his research. They often initiated with the bullhorn formation
As they stormed and raid the side with the heavy guns
But that only leaves the middle vulnerable to deadly stunts

From his vantage point its impossible for the archaic formation to work
Below, he observed as his men collected muds and dirt
Once the battle commence, the will dust up the area to disrupt visibility
It was all well calculated, he’s ready to take the hills and trees

Heart, battled mosquitos and snakes of the harsh landscape
A plan’s made. “Men, we’ll start with the bull horn!
But Scorpio objected. “Sir, how will we surround a plateau full of kilelr thorns?
“Your job is to listent to me soldier. Not think.”
“Yes sir”, said Scorpio as he relented
His hands gripped tightly his little sack-a-dos
“Left team your job is to exhaust all artillery and bait them to that side.
Right team, your job is to use stealth and climb while the right team handle business
I need all the best shooters on left team and all the agiles on the right, you sons of bitches
The middle, we shall survey the plateau edges for any entrance point!
With that, the made their way towards the plateau.
Along the base were large cloud of dirt obstructing the view.
Meanwhile, Scorpio, took it upon himself and rushed the troops.
His hand gripping tightly the sack, he solemn left and right
While bullets flew by him, clipping his fatigue in midflight
“Scorpio, what the fuck are you doing you little shit?!”
But that was how he moved. Relenting to the will of God.
He was lost int he cloud. As the troops moved in formation.
The left squad gathered their ammos while the right moved towards the basin

The first shot was fired, just as Brain suspected it.
But what he didn’t expect was the increasing dark stain on his chest.
He fell, revealing a lone soldier standing behind him.
It was scorpio, some how he climbed in
Took a perfect aim and won them the war.
But quite the phhyric victory as he was riddled with shots
His eyes to the sky, and his finger tightly clasping the priceless sack
He dropped to his knee as his head bobbled to the momentum.
Scorpio was dead.

Brain, still fuming from Scorpio’s action, took it upon himself to blast the left side.
The battlefield smelled of apocalypse now. Death resides as flesh slides
Off the face of many soldiers. But they continue to fight on.
Meanwhile the right crew are being bombarded with rocks and stones
When suddenly the brain army halted, their attack slowed
Allowing the brains to resume the siege. They made their way to the top
Only to see the soldiers standing around to observe their commander in chief
Laid dead, his chest bleeding. Near him another figure was slumped on his knees,
Being shot at and kicked. The brain army continued the assault only to find one of their comrade
Dead as they picked him up. “Ah you little fuck! Why’d you rush on your own?”
Commander brain took his dog tag and belongings, along with the sack-a-dos
He slowly opened it up, curious and excited, with small texture of fear
This was his strength all along. He pulled out a photo and lifted in the air
God be damn it, men! You see! AS they all scrambled to see
He didnt fight for you or me, he fought for his family.
The son of a bitch blocked out the pain and focused on the warmth of his family
Thats why he was able to continue when we couldn’t all those days
Rest well soldier. The credits roll as Flight of the Valkyries plays.

Objective:

Another heart-type topic for Objective... I feel bad. Mix it up, Adverse! Anyway, cool beginning. Liked this line:

"Unlearn language, that's when being real is truthful"

So dope. Wished you expanded on this a little more. You seem to drop gems and move on quicker than a jittery diamond thief lol. KNOW when you have something worthwhile like the above line and expand... the concept about forgetting language to be real with yourself about how you feel is a concept worth exploring.

You definitely have some nice lines man. I'm feeling a lot that you have to say. But I'm going to use your own words against you here...

"Who said life isn't wary, clearly unfair and endearing,
so why are you fearing the depths that you're nearing?"

- Love this bar but it sums you up perfectly. You skip over concepts too quickly... Give them time to breathe. Expand your lines into SCHEMES - it gives them life; And lets us truly appreciate what you're saying. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy finding the gems you sprinkle around in your verses, bur I find myself getting use to your style and wanting more from you...

And you know what? You're capable of it. This was a good piece of writing this week Objective and you're getting better and more consistent as you go. I know you flirt with the idea of quitting a lot but stick with it because you are growing as a writer before our eyes. Good stuff.

Scar:

When you told Objective to just no-show earlier I was instantly psyched to read your verse. I love when you get cocky lol... It means a full effort is on the way. Let's check it out...

Okay, first impression is you have set up a literal WAR between the heart and brain - that's fucking dope lol. Intro set the tone nicely, felt a little too wooden though at points, like reading an instruction manual... but it's tough to set the stage for an epic concept like this... Overall I'm feeling it. And LOL @ The Ultimate Warrior reference. I'm already cheering for heart... and actually if you're true to the topic heart should win haha.

Man... This is fun to read. I'm really into it. I kind of wish it was just a book though... I feel the rhyming is just sort of an afterthought here... and you can tell because of the loose connections. What you REALLY want to say is BETWEEN the rhymes here. But the detail is vast enough for me to not really be bothered by what's lacking in the technical department... At least for now.

Cool little ending with Scorpio being powered by love and killing the brain. A touching ending amidst the chaos. Again, this was rather weak technically (you rhymed family with family at one point ) but the story was so damn entertaining and original it made up for it.

I think if you had some more time with this you could really nail down the shortcomings and make this everything it could've been, but even in it's current state, I love it. Just so epic, and in terms of unique storytelling - It doesn't get much better.

Good battle guys. Objective did his thing but should've expanded on his brilliant concepts. He wins in a few categories here but Scar's story and originality really stood out for me. I enjoyed reading his take on this topic and found myself wanting it to be longer. Much longer, actually. Always a compliment when you can accomplish that.

Vote - Scar

Objective, fire verse my man...it got better the second time I read it. It has a lot of depth, especially upon your opener. It had a lot of steam building up but then you lost a bit of my interest with the "U" line...I get it but felt a little forced and uninspired ( I don't know perhaps it's just me). As the Nolan line, you must still be thinking about Universe's verse the other day ( it got a chuckle out of me, Poland has the answers???..Lolz!!!). Those are the only 2 areas which I had my gripes with but to each their own. The rest of the verse was just inspiring throughout especially this part:

"Actions turn smoke into seeing the clouds in my eyes,
if this hits on a personal level I won't exhale a heartfelt surprise."

^^Bro!!! This got me feeling a certain kind way...pretty nice.
Pretty dope verse overall my man.

Scar your last verse madd on point. But this verse left a lot to be desired..I read it twice and it really wasn't my cup of tea. On the other hand, the story was there but it seemed to be a bit too bland at times (the excitement I got from last time was gone). I keep looking for metaphorical meaning and clues and I wasn't sure if there was much on that...I tried to relate to parts of the story to the heart being on and the brain being off but it didn't become apparent until the crescendo. Also, where's the rhyme scheme? I don't know this became the author's society of book writing... (I'm confused and neither amused).

This is Netcees,
most of us are online text MC's,
Poets that flow with cinematic expertise
therefore please picture pumping the brakes with these non-rhythmatic scribblees.

Bring it back...
Overall our story was dope, I feel that it may have been rushed and perhaps you didn't have enough time...If you took this concept and completed it to its whole entirety with more rhythm you would have taken this based on the depth of your story, especially with an ending like that... you ending was the best part and it made me wish that vast majority of your piece reflected that climax.

Based on these verses I am giving it to Objective based on complexity, vocab, style, and the ability to sustain my interest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Objective (Post 797721)

What resides within "survive"
besides body, flesh and meat?

I try to BE.
Try to see, reflect and speak to Self's hipocrisy honestly.
Logic over emotion, such artistry crave moves moved cautiously.
[b]cool start. don't know what 'artistry crave moves moved' means[b]
Unlearn language, that's when being real is truthful,
true to you's you, just turn, then you can use "U".
this is ok. might have worked better with the "U" in a diff place
Yet,
to let myself strip naked is what thinking has stooped to.
Glued to this notion of leaving consciousness open.
So much
That my heart has been broken by erosion of being as anxiousness' token,
my joke has been stolen; the anti-thesis to why God hasn't spoken.
Feel like escaping to Poland
for finding meaning in movies by Nolan.
like the flow in the first part of this section. poland/nolan feels random
I rip conclusions to pieces, solutions decieving
confused with believing there's hope within dope cus a moment to cope is so freeing.
Actions turn smoke into seeing the clouds in my eyes,
if this hits on a personal level I won't exhale a heartfelt surprise.
We're just in the process of dealing with no answers to life.
nice rhymes here. ended this section well.
Yo...
I need reality's touch to set the scene before entering,
cus it's pestering and feels threatening to take account of everything.
So,
I tell myself this when it's settling:
don't like this slant rhyme
Who said life isn't wary, clearly unfair and endearing,
so why are you fearing the depths that you're nearing?
I dare you to mute the blindfolded sneering.
Then seek out the clearing and thinking of which,
where you turn off your wimping and flip on the switch.
strong rhymes to close. ending is ok

This seems fairly stream of consciousness but not in a bad way. I liked the use of rhymes and the changes of pacing through the verse. An enjoyable read but I would have liked to see you do more with the pic. You had a couple tie ins through the verse, but I would have liked to see a stronger theme connecting the different sections of your piece. Could be narrative, visual, structural, repetition based, whatever, you clearly have a deep bag of tricks to draw from. But give the verse a framework so it isn't just you flexing your rhyming skill (which is good, I will give you credit for that).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scar (Post 797735)

“Scorpio”

Brain surveyed the terrain. It was a flat land with few vantage points.
In the distance were plateaus possibly two-hundred feet high and conjoined
At the base. “Over there, men, he pointed
A Calvary of armored men. With swords, charging the land, victory or death is the mission
The basic rule of war: secure the best position.
like the opening. great job of setting up scene. a little light on rhymes but i'm still with you

Heart and his band of merry men, rummaged the jungle.
Some of death some stumbled
Clad in rainbow armors they stood out like ultimate warrior in a royal rumble
Long hair draped their shoulders as much hair flip was done
cool setup work. we can see both sides of the war
Among this troop was Scorpio
A rather short fellow but his strength was elsewhere
His belch of war was legendary. He once rescued 30 fallens while weak and weary
He always had this pouch with him. Nobody knows whats in it
The protected it. Never left it behind, still untouched
character intro. rhyming has gotten a little more inconsistent

Brain spotted the enemy. They laid death traps around the plateau
Clad in gold, to reflect the sun’s ray to blind the heart troops
They were quite clever. Plus the vantage offered them the luxury
To survey the peaks and valleys of the terrain. The spotted bumbling team
All colorful, trying to hind behind the dust and trees.
plot development. we have some conflict

Brain, grinned a presupposed victory as his men dug ditches
Sticking out of the ground were sharpened sticks
While the troops atop collected rocks and stones
Much were known about the enemy.
Brain did his research. They often initiated with the bullhorn formation
As they stormed and raid the side with the heavy guns
But that only leaves the middle vulnerable to deadly stunts
like this section. setting up the misdirection

From his vantage point its impossible for the archaic formation to work
Below, he observed as his men collected muds and dirt
Once the battle commence, the will dust up the area to disrupt visibility
It was all well calculated, he’s ready to take the hills and trees
rhyming is better. good multies keep the story rolling

Heart, battled mosquitos and snakes of the harsh landscape
A plan’s made. “Men, we’ll start with the bull horn!
But Scorpio objected. “Sir, how will we surround a plateau full of kilelr thorns?
“Your job is to listent to me soldier. Not think.”
“Yes sir”, said Scorpio as he relented
His hands gripped tightly his little sack-a-dos
rhyming got sloppy again but continuing character work/setup
“Left team your job is to exhaust all artillery and bait them to that side.
Right team, your job is to use stealth and climb while the right team handle business
I need all the best shooters on left team and all the agiles on the right, you sons of bitches
The middle, we shall survey the plateau edges for any entrance point!
setting up the scene.
With that, the made their way towards the plateau.
Along the base were large cloud of dirt obstructing the view.
Meanwhile, Scorpio, took it upon himself and rushed the troops.
His hand gripping tightly the sack, he solemn left and right
While bullets flew by him, clipping his fatigue in midflight
“Scorpio, what the fuck are you doing you little shit?!”
But that was how he moved. Relenting to the will of God.
He was lost int he cloud. As the troops moved in formation.
The left squad gathered their ammos while the right moved towards the basin
stuff is happening

The first shot was fired, just as Brain suspected it.
But what he didn’t expect was the increasing dark stain on his chest.
He fell, revealing a lone soldier standing behind him.
It was scorpio, some how he climbed in
Took a perfect aim and won them the war.
But quite the phhyric victory as he was riddled with shots
His eyes to the sky, and his finger tightly clasping the priceless sack
He dropped to his knee as his head bobbled to the momentum.
Scorpio was dead.
surprise twist. you kinda stopped rhyming tho

Brain, still fuming from Scorpio’s action, took it upon himself to blast the left side.
The battlefield smelled of apocalypse now. Death resides as flesh slides
Off the face of many soldiers. But they continue to fight on.
Meanwhile the right crew are being bombarded with rocks and stones
picked back up the rhymes
When suddenly the brain army halted, their attack slowed
Allowing the brains to resume the siege. They made their way to the top
Only to see the soldiers standing around to observe their commander in chief
Laid dead, his chest bleeding. Near him another figure was slumped on his knees,
Being shot at and kicked. The brain army continued the assault only to find one of their comrade
kind sad
Dead as they picked him up. “Ah you little fuck! Why’d you rush on your own?”
Commander brain took his dog tag and belongings, along with the sack-a-dos
He slowly opened it up, curious and excited, with small texture of fear
This was his strength all along. He pulled out a photo and lifted in the air
cool setup. this is what the whole piece has been building towards
God be damn it, men! You see! AS they all scrambled to see
He didnt fight for you or me, he fought for his family.
The son of a bitch blocked out the pain and focused on the warmth of his family
Thats why he was able to continue when we couldn’t all those days
Rest well soldier. The credits roll as Flight of the Valkyries plays.
this ending feels a little cliche, for such a creative take on the pic. but still a solid close

Dude you're a dope writer. Liked the concept and the story. But in places this felt more like a short story than a topical b/c rhyming was turned on and off. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme but as a reader its a little confusing if there isn't a consistent approach to whether you do it or not. It might have been cool to have the hearts rhyme and the brains no or something like that, but it didn't seem like there was a reason when the rhymes stopped, and that kinda throws me off reading it. Still a dope piece, but it makes it harder for me to give you full marks, whatever that means.

Vote: Scar Both of you guys are good writers so in some ways this comes down to style. Objective had strong rhymes but his piece felt disconnected. Scar had a very cohesive narrative with the brain vs heart war, but stopped rhyming in random places. At the end of the day tho, I think I enjoyed Scars piece a little bit more and he did enough poetically for me to give him a little leeway on the rhymes. Objective also a good read, but I think Scar made stronger use of the pic.

Object – the pacing and flow of this is great imo, its too short no doubt and lacks impact in certain moments. but I enjoyed reading this. few rhymes put in for rhyming sake which I can’t ignore but were all guilty of that so I aint mad haha
it speaks with the picture more than scars piece imo, bit grim and self-loathing but I agree the pic may of forced that issue, overall tho there wasn't enough to compete with scar, he went all out didn't he? his piece felt colossus in comparison.

Scar – I get huge Rap Royalty vibes from you man lol, I could be wrong
your problem…… I hate RR and their style but content and substance always wins in my book so Ill continue reading with an open mind, just throwing that out there haha
this piece is drawing me in but technically its really off from what I prefer

Clad in rainbow armors they stood out like ultimate warrior in a royal rumble – that line is niiiice

I see what you’ve done with the thinking with your head n the heart aspects, it’s a separate (inner) battle within a battle isn’t it, I was lost in some moments but I like to be challenged as a reader as long as there’s logic to it and its plausible.

It shows in the pieces that Scar showed more desire to win here and almost went above and beyond, pretty much the only reason he won tbh

@Adverse u wanna throw me in vs objective next week so he can get his revenge on me lol, ill stay one more week
bit of friendly competition never hurt anyone
or throw diablo in hahahaha