Originally Posted by Sinacog (Post 792758)

I'm putting together harp songs and jubilee sprees; shooting the breeze/
The future's serene; a Byzantine king; pristine as fling; shooting the king/
Ok so the setup is ok I can maybe even get behind the jubilee sprees because I get it, you’re happy. But when I get to “pristine as fling” I feel like you’re just forcing the rhyme there. I’m not sure what the connection between the idea of pristine, or unworn form has to do with fling the verb, or the noun. Then you come with “shooting the king” right after you just used the word king which to me, just sinks the whole bar. Plus, if everything is so serene, why are you shooting anybody? It just doesn’t make sense.
I'm pouring sake and wine; for the anguish of time/
Lavish as rhyme; packing the nine; like arachnid and fly's/
Ok, again, setup, pretty solid. You’re drinking to pass away the dull days. I get it. That makes a lot of sense actually. Where you lose me is again in the punch line. Like, ok, “lavish as rhyme.” I mean, sure rhyme can be lavish. But it can also be dull or off, or just plain wrong. It can be trite, and it can be objectively terrible. It’s not by definition lavish at all. So, you lose me there. Packing the nine like arachnid and flies, I didn’t get either. Like, at all. At first I thought it was a math problem. But spiders have 8 legs and flies have 6. 8x6=48. If you divide 48 by 9 you get 5 with a remainder of three. But three, well you only have two insects there, arachnids and flies. So, again, the math doesn’t add up for me dog.
Who are you; bleak is nothing more than a w(r)ap of rhyme/
Zap in time; the w(r)ap of rhyme -- salvage a nine than pack a nine/
n(o)
I'm the conquering of king's; arch bishop's and lord's of kings/
Pouring rings of dinosaur's and fling..tore the sheethe like forks and rings/
Ok setup is pretty much just big upping yourself here. And again, you used king twice which just really lessens the effect man. I mean, listen to this “I’m the conquering of kings, archbishops and royal things.” See how much better that sounds just because I’m not using king twice right in a row? It also still carries your same multi rhyme and overall message. Again though, that punch line... it really needs something more. Pouring rings of dinosaur’s and fling? Is that one individual dinosaur’s ring? Who’s this dinosaur? Is it the same fling from your first bar? Tore the sheethe (I assume you mean sheath) like forks and rings. Forks again. What’s the deal with you and forks? Very little to none of this makes sense to me to try and work out further
For I am king; a sistine king; pristine fling/
Sistine king -- I am the king of the world; beautiful sea pearls/
King king fling king king oh fuck off